I don't know what to do for the best - final sessions & transference

[UnicornSightings]

Hey also I used the talkspace app to deal with the transference near the end of therapy and it was so convenient to have when my t unexpectedly said she was leaving. I don’t know if that’s something you could do. It was pretty inexpensive and so nice to get daily replies to my thoughts and know someone was there.

 

[Friday]

At the moment if I am having a difficult week then I can write my problems down and know the fact that I can go in there and he will help me feel better.

One trick I use to transition -from a lot of different things- is to reserve the time.

Meaning I do similar/related things to what I’m missing during that time slot.

For therapy that could be
- doing homework type activities, for the cognitive emotional side
- driving somewhere equidistant & writing out what I would say in session for the routine
- meeting 1:1 with a friend for the social / interaction
- et cetera

 

[Emotional girl]

Thank you.I will have a look into TalkSpace and see what it has to offer.I was thinking of doing a online psychology course in order to try and distract myself in some way and it will give me something to work towards.
That is also another good idea to do similar things and reserve a time in my week to concentrate on my mental health and to try to carry on with my progress.
Thank you very much everyone for your kindness and support it really does mean alot to me.

 

[Suzetig]

It's a change and you had a bad experience the last time so it makes sense that you'll be anxious this time around. It might be worth thinking about what you've gained from therapy, what has got better, what have you learned, have your ways of coping changed etc? While your T was involved in those changes, you did the work on yourself so maybe celebrate your achievements with him and recognise that you are able to effect change in your own life. You might want your T but you don't need him.

Yes to doing something self care like when you would normally see him - evening it's just nice coffee and cake. And talk to him, if there is something you really want him to know before you end, tell him so you're not left carrying it.

 

[Emotional girl]

Thank you.You are right I found the last time hard and had a really bad experience and I am just scared of history repeating itself.
I am have learnt alot in therapy this time and at last I have got a right diagnosis and I finally understand why I am this deep person who feels everything.
Yes I need to remember to tell him everything and make sure I have no regrets at the end.

 

[Missycat]

I can relate to how you feel. It is extremely hard and it feels like a loss and all the associated feelings that go with that ie grief etc. I talked through exactly how i felt with my t so we could work on the ‘ending’ together. I remember she told me that she was proud of how i had grown and that she had learned from me and got something from our work together - as much as i had. Even though it was painful, hearing those words from her made it so more bearable and i knew i would be okay and continue to grow and get even stronger .... and i have.
To help i also found something else to fill what would have been the session time ... so its good to hear that you plan to do that.
I wish you all the best on your continued healing journey.

 

[Emotional girl]

Thank you.I think you are right hearing something like that from my T would help me feel better in a way.At the moment he is talking to me in quite a clinical way but I just want to hear something from his heart,he seems to be holding back .
I am glad to hear that you have got stronger since and been able to move on with your life.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I wanted something from my therapist’s heart as well. I asked her if she would write a few things for me to remember in low times. I didn’t think it was hard, just find a few lines based on our 2 and a half years of working together. And she had very generic things that I had to beg her to write the last day as she was gonna give me a random worksheet rather that write her own words. I felt very hurt. But I think it was really good, ultimately. It’s not about her inspiring words, it’s not about what she thought of me or my life or my future. It wasn’t ever about her being proud of me as much as I believed that. It was about me. Everything I ever wanted in her I can give myself. She always came up short on her words to me because it was never about her or her opinion.

Think of what you want your t to say to you and PRACTICE (daily!) saying those things to yourself, from the part of you that cares about you. Even if you don’t believe it, practice it. Otherwise you’re gonna be at the mercy of transference forever. It’s been very helpful for me personally and I’m the kind of person that feels transference with anyone in any sort of teacher/mentor capacity. So it happens all the time and I use it to recognize what I want from them and practice giving that to myself. Like I was just at a retreat and every teacher there I wanted them to know me and be impressed with me. And it all seems very normal in my head. And then I sit with my thoughts and I remember “wait a minute, it wasn’t so much that they said inspirational things, it was that they filled that role for a short time. Of a PARENT imparting wisdom and care that I never received. So you notice when that happens for you and you remember “oh yeah, I can give myself attention and care and be impressed with myself” and then see if you feel the same or it lessens a bit. I realize you may not feel transference as often as I do (I don’t think anyone else in the world does as often as I do lol!!!) but if so, this is what helps a lot.

 

[Emotional girl]

You are completely right that it should be about us as the client and not the therapist as after all we are the ones who need the support ect.
I can completely understand why he is being clinical and has boundaries ect but at the moment he is coming across like he doesn't even care that our sessions are coming to a end and that is making me feel like I am a bad person which is one of my core beliefs anyway.On most other subjects we share a interaction of some kind and the boundaries remain very professional but he still shows his very human side but with this it is like has turned into a robot and that is not the image that I want to be left of him in my head when I do say goodbye.
I do need to work through my transference,attachment and abandonment issues so I don't feel the very same way again in the future.
Thank you so much for all your insights @UnicornSightings ,it is so intresting to hear how other people deal with similar problems and I will definitely take your advice on board.

 

[Emotional girl]

Just an update.Today I saw my T for the first time in two weeks which in itself was an achievement of some kind because I came pretty close to not turning up today.
We talked about how I love him and what love means to me and strangely enough it felt quite natural for him to know , not that awkward and it really felt ok that I didn't hear it back from him.
We talked about my abandonment issues and my dependency on him,how this is connected to my past and how over the next few sessions we are going to work on endings.
I think today he realised just how important a good ending is for me and that I need his support to get that.
Today I also realised that he does give me lots of compliments but because of my filter system in my head I never really take them in and maybe I need to do that more.
We both know that finishing therapy ending is going to be difficult for me but it would be the same for me whether it was now or in 5 years time because of the issues I have been through in my life.I need and want for our relationship to end in a positive way so I can look back at my time in therapy with no negative conaltations.