Relationship Can some with ptsd have loving relationships

[Healthy1]

Hi everyone new poster. My partner of 12 months was severely beaten and emotionally abused by both parents and also his school. He is 55 years of age and only told me 4 months ago after his behaviour changed so badly once we moved in together. He had never told anyone else in his life up until me, he had 3 failed long term relationships 10 plus years each, all ladies left him for someone else. After research I am understanding that I have Co- Dependency issues myself as both of my parents had Schizophrenia and my mother was also bi polar / alcoholic. Of course that means I want to help him but my own mental health has been struggling due to the constant ticking time bomb and eggshells and neglect and his shutdowns and silent treatment. After he told me about his history he started really breaking down, I took him to the doc who prescribed anti depressants until he can see a specialist , tomorrow actually. I ask the question about a loving relationship because my divorced husband had Aspergers and after years of trying had to understand that he could not love the way I can or do. Is this the same for PTSD sufferers? My partner never says sorry for the horrible way he speaks, yells etc and there seems to be no care for me only about him. He says I am the only person in his life that has shown him love, attention etc yet he can treat me and look at me with such hate. He is only taking the medication he says to keep me as I had stated that if he didn't take it we would have to end as I couldn't take anymore of the horrible meltdowns. However he still has them , I just now walk away. I work in a very stressful environment and after my previous failed marriage caused so much pain swore I would never allow someone to hurt me this way again. However most nights now I cry myself to sleep alone as we can't even share a bed now as he cannot sleep even after 3 different prescribed meds, however he sleeps throughout the day at different times to catch up. Am I just hanging in there and suffering again for no end result except disaster or is there possibilities for a loving relationship in balance ? Thankyou for reading

 

[Sweetpea76]

It's hard to say... untreated PTSD is different from treated PTSD. You're getting the brunt of the beast right now.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Hi everyone new poster. My partner of 12 months was severely beaten and emotionally abused by both parents and also h...

IMO those sound like to classic signs of the illness. I’ve experienced everything you mentioned with my ex. We started off so wonderful a year ago; he was so loving and kind, he was so giving, charming, karsmatic and sweet. I just knew back then that I had met the love of my life. A little history, I’m 16 years older and I’ve supported his illness since learning about it although I didn’t know much about it at all. I made him a promise back then of being there whenever he needed me for as long as he needed me. I still love him with all my heart however, I love me just as much and I’m still gonna be there but I’m now gonna back off a little until I see and feel that he’s improved. He’s currently not speaking to me because of my violating his trust mistakenly. That’s another area to be concerned with; be mindful of how you say, what you say, where you say, and to who you say, easy lessons, learned the hard way. Kudos to you for being who you are and supporting the best way you know how and welcome.

 

[Healthy1]

Thankyou I am deliberately avoiding going straight home tonight after work as I think he will be on overdrive due to the Physc appointment tomorrow. I just can't be another carer, my life has been riddled with it and at 52 I get off the roundabout. I love him dearly but love me more :)

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it’s important to know that when we are doing everything we can to regulate ourselves, we don’t really have much energy for working on a relationship.

The truth is that when someone enters therapy for the first time, things usually get worse before they get better. How long they are worse is anybody’s guess.

People with ptsd can have healthy relationships, but it takes a lot of hard work.

 

[Freida]

@EveHarrington is right....it can be done but there is a lot of hard work involved. And things can get really ugly for the first year of so if therapy. He might be the right fit for you....but the ptsd may not be. And that's ok.

 

[Deuce Bigelow]

Hi everyone new poster. My partner of 12 months was severely beaten and emotionally abused by both parents and also h...

As a person who has had PTSD for a long term (10+ years) I completely understand where you are coming from. I have been married 17+ years and amazingly my wife has stuck with me through it all. When your loved one is stabilize things will improve. My relationship with my wife has never been better! But if I slip on my meds or the self care that allows me to function as a loving husband and father, then the beast is very quick to rear its ugly head again ...

For me, medication helps. Exercise helps. Having a place to “hide” when I am having a hard day helps. But what helps me the most is communicating with my family and letting them know what is going on with me, especially when I am have a rough patch like around the holidays.

Several have said that once therapy starts, it will probably get worse before it gets better. A very high percentage of the time this is true. Things get stirred up. Our emotions get raw and our “bandwidth” is completely taken up with the pain that we are trying to deal with. For instance, my family knows that after I have to go to the VA for an appointment to give me a bit of space while I process what the appointment was about.

Something that has really helped me is a form of therapy called EMDR. It helped to give me my life back... and saved my relationships with my wife and kids.

First and foremost, you have to ensure that you are physically and emotionally safe at all times. My wife had to leave and take the kids to her parents and stay with them overnight a couple of times before I stabilized.

 

[Healthy 1]

Thank you I really appreciate your honesty I've also had to look at myself for my Co dependency issues which I will address he went to the psychiatrist today for the first time and texted that it was horrible and he cried a lot has come home medicated with pain meds going to bed with a migraine definitely letting him be and hoping that he will at least sleep and hoping that he will return to work on what he needs to and continues with a therapy I am praying he will for his own sake

 

[Deuce Bigelow]

Thank you I really appreciate your honesty I've also had to look at myself for my Co dependency issues which I will...

Time and space does wonders when someone is starting the journey to better mental health, especially with PTSD. Love 'em where they are at and they will become the best of what you see in them :)

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Time and space does wonders when someone is starting the journey to better mental health, especia...

@Deuce Bigelow. I love what you said here! You said it with positivity and being direct. Love ‘em where they’re at. (How they are at this point). Any they’ll become the best of what you see in them. (Things can definitely improve). So well said; one of the reasons I’m not walking out; at least not yet.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I am now so very lost. I reached out to my ex last evening to try and speak about repairing our friendship. He was very cold and negative which is not usually him. He also told me about some of my personal business dealings with someone else. Needless to say, I was floored. My question is, could he be symptomatic? Why so mean and negative? I haven’t done anything to him to cause him to behave this way towards me. I know I shouldn’t take things personally, but it’s so hard not to when you’re spoken to in such an uncaring and callus manner. He protected the person that I introduced him to a while back, from me? There I go again, speaking from a personal view; I really need to stop it! I know he’s not well and I know he can’t necessarily explain what he going through either, but as mentioned in several posts, it takes a very strong and grounded person to be involved with someone sufferering with ptsd. You can be constantly pushed out of a sufferer’s life, they can speak to you sometimes in a very nasty and malicious manner, they can treat you like a total stranger. It’s can be a lot to endure, but if you can, keep up the good work. That’s what a sufferer needs, someone who won’t bail on them. Just give them time. I have to keep telling myself that.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

(I’m a sufferer) First and foremost he lied about having PTSD before you moved in. That’s a dick move I think you deserved the right to know exactly what you’re getting yourself into. You cannot stay with someone through a false sense of responsibility. He’s 52 and wasn’t in treatment! You can’t force someone to get help.

My second point you can’t ultimatum someone into taking meds that’s kinda shitty. Absolutely set a boundary that unless he gets treated you’re a goner.

If it were me I’d leave. He lied and forced you to become invested in a relationship you’d ordinarily try to stay clear of. Of course people with PTSD are capable of love. That’s not really the question. Is love enough to be spoken to and treated badly until they get there symptoms under control. For some people going in eyes open and maybe at a different point in there lives it is. And for some people it’s not and that’s ok.

I’d rather be with someone who doesn’t resent me and my never ending daily battle. Although that being said male suffers seem to get away with a shit tonne more than females. And I’d never ever in a million years speak to my supporter the way some of the supporters are spoken to.