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- #25
D
Deleted member 44240
Thank you.
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Relationship I’m beat up by guilt and not knowing what to do.
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@B.J. I know you are having such a hard time with this now. I see you really struggling and I am so sorry you are going through this. @Hojay's response to you really spoke to me because I do think this could be a break up. He said he needs time and you are forgiven, but I don't think that means that he wants to be in a relationship with you in that way. I definitely could be wrong!
But you asked other supporterss how to deal with this. The best I can offer you is to accept that the relationship you had could very well be over. Detach as much as you can.
In my situation, I have gone through a few actual break ups...like he says to me we are done. I have been blocked several times and also ignored from slights he has felt are so big, he can't deal with it. Several times I had to tell myself and make myself come to terms with it being over and I may never talk to him again. It was super hard!! Having this man in my life is like one of my top five priorities, so it has been difficult, for sure.
But once I detached and came to terms with this, even if it made no sense to me at all, I started to feel better and gain some peace of mind for myself.
Accepting this could be a break up is very hard, but I think a necessary pain you need to go through.
But you asked other supporterss how to deal with this. The best I can offer you is to accept that the relationship you had could very well be over. Detach as much as you can.
In my situation, I have gone through a few actual break ups...like he says to me we are done. I have been blocked several times and also ignored from slights he has felt are so big, he can't deal with it. Several times I had to tell myself and make myself come to terms with it being over and I may never talk to him again. It was super hard!! Having this man in my life is like one of my top five priorities, so it has been difficult, for sure.
But once I detached and came to terms with this, even if it made no sense to me at all, I started to feel better and gain some peace of mind for myself.
Accepting this could be a break up is very hard, but I think a necessary pain you need to go through.
- Post starter
- #27
D
Deleted member 44240
You haven’t a clue as to how bad I really feel. It’s been a bitch trying to wrap my head around this whole thing. I guess I was dating a real jerk. I never allowed for the red flags to be an issue because I thought it was caused by his illness, but I’m slowly starting to see that a lot of it could be related to him as a person. Now looking back, understanding all of the (what seemed crazy at that time) ridiculous accusations his ex was screaming about might have been true. I turned a blind eye to obvious reasons to say good bye ie, him moving out and running to his ex after I lost my job, him getting upset with me after not being able to win legalities against his ex, him always needing to go at the end of spending the evening together. He always told me he loved me, he bought me things, he was affectionate, he was always interested in my well-being. So, it’s so very hard to accept that he sounds more like a jerk than a decent person who happened to have a mental illness.
Dear @B.J. , not sure if this will be helpful, but maybe it's somewhere in between, or neither. Idk if he's a jerk or what he chooses.
I only know it's normal to make mistakes, and if trust, or triggering factors etc are involved it can be too much, or very grave. And it's important to understand the difference, but you do.
That being said, love has to be a gift freely given (and cherished, and protected); sometimes any of us can 'forget' gratitude for one another. Or mistake similar packaging for containing the same contents. But if someone has done that to you, it's not good for you- you deserve someone who recognizes you are different. Ideally partners shouldn't feel in doubt of the other's fidelity or love or cherishing of one another. But no one owns another; I think at best we're given the opportunity to love, protect and share.
Yes, forgiveness is possible. But we don't know where his head's at, if he recognizes fidelity as a priority, or where he is at in his healing.
JMHO though.
Sending hugs your way. Be kind to yourself. :hug:
I only know it's normal to make mistakes, and if trust, or triggering factors etc are involved it can be too much, or very grave. And it's important to understand the difference, but you do.
That being said, love has to be a gift freely given (and cherished, and protected); sometimes any of us can 'forget' gratitude for one another. Or mistake similar packaging for containing the same contents. But if someone has done that to you, it's not good for you- you deserve someone who recognizes you are different. Ideally partners shouldn't feel in doubt of the other's fidelity or love or cherishing of one another. But no one owns another; I think at best we're given the opportunity to love, protect and share.
Yes, forgiveness is possible. But we don't know where his head's at, if he recognizes fidelity as a priority, or where he is at in his healing.
JMHO though.
Sending hugs your way. Be kind to yourself. :hug:
- Post starter
- #29
D
Deleted member 44240
I want to thank you @Junebug for speaking so eloquently and allowing me to see things from both perspectives. I’m not sure of where we’re at right now. I’ve been told over and over again my part in this matter, but no one has explained things the way you have.
Hugs to you if you don’t mind
LuckiLee
VIP Member
Hi there. You ask how do we deal with anxiety, depression, isolation and arguments?? We deal with it together. If J wasn't able to work through these issues with me it would be pointless. We're a couple. If we want to be together that's what you do.
We're all trying to give you our perspective and you're not wanting to hear it.
He probably does forgive you. But I think he doesn't trust you anymore. I'm so sorry but once trust is broken there is usually nothing to change that. You wanted him to forgive you and he says he has. He doesn't have to do anything beyond that.
You should consider this to be a breakup. Since September. If it was isolation I don't think he would answer anyone's calls.
Accept that you broke his confidence and move on. You're putting yourself through hell and there's no need. He's answered all your questions. He's trying to move forward and you're not letting him.
If this hurts your feelings I'm sorry but you really need to focus on yourself now and leave him be. Let him heal.
We're all trying to give you our perspective and you're not wanting to hear it.
He probably does forgive you. But I think he doesn't trust you anymore. I'm so sorry but once trust is broken there is usually nothing to change that. You wanted him to forgive you and he says he has. He doesn't have to do anything beyond that.
You should consider this to be a breakup. Since September. If it was isolation I don't think he would answer anyone's calls.
Accept that you broke his confidence and move on. You're putting yourself through hell and there's no need. He's answered all your questions. He's trying to move forward and you're not letting him.
If this hurts your feelings I'm sorry but you really need to focus on yourself now and leave him be. Let him heal.
Justmehere
Sponsor
You keep mentioning cheating. Do you mean he’s seeing someone else now and it’s cheating because he’s not broken up with you but isolating? Or did this happen before the breakup?
Either way, it seems really clear you don’t trust him and he doesn’t trust you. You are clearly upset with many of the things he does. You can’t change him. You can only give him tim and/or move on. This may be a case that it’s just simply not a good fit and there is someone else out there who is a better fit for what you want and need in a relationship.
Either way, it seems really clear you don’t trust him and he doesn’t trust you. You are clearly upset with many of the things he does. You can’t change him. You can only give him tim and/or move on. This may be a case that it’s just simply not a good fit and there is someone else out there who is a better fit for what you want and need in a relationship.
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- Post starter
- #32
D
Deleted member 44240
Thank you. I don’t need anymore post explaining what he needs or what I should see. You don’t have the complete picture, therefore you don’t really know what you’re talking about.
TwilightDream
Bronze Member
Hi @B.J. Just wanted to check in with you. I'm sorry you're still going through such a hard time. I am too. Just wanted to put it out there, that only you know the intricacy's of your own relationship. We come to these forums because we're hurting, and we're searching for understanding. With that being said, we have to also know that the other's can only guess at what may or may not be, behind our computer screens. The interesting thing about it, is often we ourselves are only guessing about what may or may not be, in our own personal relationships. I think that's one of the things that can make this so hard. The lack of communication, the mystery, no straight answers, no working through problems. It goes against everything we as humans desire, to meet our needs for certainty.
I think what some folks may be trying to get you to see, is that a PTSD relationship is different than what our brains are honed in to thinking as "normal". For it to work, it requires adjustment, willingness, trial and error, up's and down's, back and forth's. But this has to come from both parties involved. Sometimes we as "supporters", get in to a mindset that our shit don't stank. But it does, like on a hot sunny day lol. I'm not riding on you. I'm just speaking on myself.
This can be a beautiful thing. But I think sometimes we may come across as self righteous, like in a way, "you oughtta be lucky we deal with you". We need to be careful of that. I can only imagine, that even if it is unspoken to them, it still comes across. Sometimes I concentrate too much on "her disorder". Shoot, I have my own disorders. I'm coming from a sincere place with this @B.J. These forums sometimes help us in ways we don't expect. We come here looking for ways to fix them, to fix our relationship. But may walk away with the greatest insight of all... the ability to self reflect. Trust me, I know how hard it is.
As far as violating trust, early on, I did violate hers. We didn't know PTSD was in play. Nobody I knew thought what I did was a big deal. But to her, I knew it was, and to me it was as well. I didn't keep my word to her on something I promised I wouldn't do. Sure there were extenuating circumstances that she contributed to. But in my dealings with trying to make amends, I only briefly skirted on that. I cried by myself. I took her anger and distrust. I accepted it. I fully acknowledged what I did and how it impacted her. I didn't keep my word, and this caused her great pain, and me as well. I did everything in my power to rectify the situation. I asked her to give me one more chance, to prove that it will not happen again. She came back.
Today though, is a different day. Many many things I made excuses for with what's happened as of late. I got so caught up in the idea of supporting her, as her issues deepened, that I lost perspective on what is acceptable and what is not. I've read many stories here, and have gone to my own therapy, along with DBT, to help me understand. Sometimes I backslide and act an ass. Sometimes, I accept more of the unacceptable. But mostly, what I'm trying to do, is get on to the road of my own healing. We always hear the words, "focus on yourself". Can sometimes be the hardest thing in the world, when we are so enmeshed. Shoot, we're heartbroken. But what is our alternative? What will the alternative do to our emotional, spiritual, and physical well being? I thank @Freida @Supervixn and @EveHarrington to name a few, for putting it to me straight. But for really telling me with kindness, that my ex SO is responsible for her own behaviors. I was so hell bent on accepting damn near anything, in the name of mental illness.
Now, I've read so many stories from so many folks on this site. But when you look at the stories of the long haulers, @leehalf , @Snowflakes , @Sweetpea76 , amongst many others, you'll notice that they have a formula. What's mixed in to this formula is their own healing, their own ability to detach, and their SO's willingness to do the very best they can. This includes an unspoken understanding, that the SO treasures and places significance on the relationship as well. Now... here comes the words that will hurt, and believe me that's not my intention... but at this very moment, we don't have that, my friend. It hurts like hell, yes indeed. But we have to work with what we have. This is not the past, this is not the future. This is just... what is.
Truly, from my heart, I wish you peace. As we both navigate through the unknown.
I think what some folks may be trying to get you to see, is that a PTSD relationship is different than what our brains are honed in to thinking as "normal". For it to work, it requires adjustment, willingness, trial and error, up's and down's, back and forth's. But this has to come from both parties involved. Sometimes we as "supporters", get in to a mindset that our shit don't stank. But it does, like on a hot sunny day lol. I'm not riding on you. I'm just speaking on myself.
This can be a beautiful thing. But I think sometimes we may come across as self righteous, like in a way, "you oughtta be lucky we deal with you". We need to be careful of that. I can only imagine, that even if it is unspoken to them, it still comes across. Sometimes I concentrate too much on "her disorder". Shoot, I have my own disorders. I'm coming from a sincere place with this @B.J. These forums sometimes help us in ways we don't expect. We come here looking for ways to fix them, to fix our relationship. But may walk away with the greatest insight of all... the ability to self reflect. Trust me, I know how hard it is.
As far as violating trust, early on, I did violate hers. We didn't know PTSD was in play. Nobody I knew thought what I did was a big deal. But to her, I knew it was, and to me it was as well. I didn't keep my word to her on something I promised I wouldn't do. Sure there were extenuating circumstances that she contributed to. But in my dealings with trying to make amends, I only briefly skirted on that. I cried by myself. I took her anger and distrust. I accepted it. I fully acknowledged what I did and how it impacted her. I didn't keep my word, and this caused her great pain, and me as well. I did everything in my power to rectify the situation. I asked her to give me one more chance, to prove that it will not happen again. She came back.
Today though, is a different day. Many many things I made excuses for with what's happened as of late. I got so caught up in the idea of supporting her, as her issues deepened, that I lost perspective on what is acceptable and what is not. I've read many stories here, and have gone to my own therapy, along with DBT, to help me understand. Sometimes I backslide and act an ass. Sometimes, I accept more of the unacceptable. But mostly, what I'm trying to do, is get on to the road of my own healing. We always hear the words, "focus on yourself". Can sometimes be the hardest thing in the world, when we are so enmeshed. Shoot, we're heartbroken. But what is our alternative? What will the alternative do to our emotional, spiritual, and physical well being? I thank @Freida @Supervixn and @EveHarrington to name a few, for putting it to me straight. But for really telling me with kindness, that my ex SO is responsible for her own behaviors. I was so hell bent on accepting damn near anything, in the name of mental illness.
Now, I've read so many stories from so many folks on this site. But when you look at the stories of the long haulers, @leehalf , @Snowflakes , @Sweetpea76 , amongst many others, you'll notice that they have a formula. What's mixed in to this formula is their own healing, their own ability to detach, and their SO's willingness to do the very best they can. This includes an unspoken understanding, that the SO treasures and places significance on the relationship as well. Now... here comes the words that will hurt, and believe me that's not my intention... but at this very moment, we don't have that, my friend. It hurts like hell, yes indeed. But we have to work with what we have. This is not the past, this is not the future. This is just... what is.
Truly, from my heart, I wish you peace. As we both navigate through the unknown.
TwilightDream
Bronze Member
Hello @Buttercup , nice to meet ya!
This intrigues me. Please tell me how you did this. If I were to say that I have a goal, this is it. I want to be able to come to terms with just as you said, I may never speak to her again. That this relationship just may very well be over. Notice I say "just may" lol, still so hard to fully accept. I've read in another one of your posts, that you said when this would happen, you would come to terms that the relationship was over, if even just meaning, "the relationship you had". How did you do this???
- Post starter
- #35
D
Deleted member 44240
Thank you @TwilightDream i truly do own what’s happened, but as you said, everyone’s guessing on what’s happened and how I should feel, when no one really knows what’s going on here except for the little bit I shared. I own my mistakes and possibilities. I really don’t need further guidance on how I should feel about what’s happened. I appreciate when someone approaches with kind words of experience to share about their stories. Thank you again for being so nice with your words.
TwilightDream
Bronze Member
@B.J. , Aww sweety, don't worry, you will find your way through this. We both will...
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