Relationship I’m beat up by guilt and not knowing what to do.

[Deleted member 44240]

I want to start by acknowledging all sufferers for being strong and able to persevere all that life has dealt you. Me being the supporter I’ve been, and still am, have had a lot to learn and I’m still learning. When my ex partner explained that he had ptsd, I actually shrugged it off because I absolutely had no clue to what I was about to encounter. I enjoy rollercoasters, but damn, this one has really beat me up. Started out great, then the downhill spiral into darkness. We both have made mistakes along the way and we definitely got through those times, however I gave until it hurt many times. Where I’m lost is, are sufferers never supposed to be happy with their supporters? This illness actually dictates if a relationship is going to be solid and if it’s going to last. Damn! Too many times I’ve read where sufferers isolate, run off, become erratic, cheat, argumentative and a host of other challenges.

Although many people would probably not entertain being in a relationship with someone who suffers with ptsd or any mental illness for that matter, there are beautiful people out there (myself included) who look past things that can’t be helped. I would welcome any dialogue from those who know what works for them in their relationship with their sufferer or supporter. I need a little guidance on several things ie, how to deal with depressive behavior, how to deal with anxiety, irrational behavior, arguments, needing space (isolation), possible cheating? My ex had ptsd since childhood as he was sexually abused as a child, along with being moved around a lot and emotional abuse as well. He’s a very nice person whom I have an enormous amount of love for, but it’s been challenging as well. Again thank you all both suffers and supporters for being who you are.

 

[EveHarrington]

Cheating?

That’s not a PTSD symptom. We all have the power to choose whether or not we cheat.

How would you deal with cheating in any other relationship?

That’s how you should deal with it here.

 

[Snowflakes]

@B.J. I think what makes it work is knowing PTSD is cyclic. By that, I mean, PTSD is never cured but can be managed with treatment. I, as a supporter, didn’t realize that at first and neither did my sufferer while she was not in therapy.

Yes there are bad days when she is having a bad day and yes, @EveHarrington is absolutely correct, cheating is a choice, not a bad day, but there are good days when my sufferer is happy I’m in her life and we’re together.

Yes, it is challenging for both us because of the illness but the greater challenge, I believe, is learning how to live and love together.

What works for me? Going to my own therapy was the greatest help followed by reading hundreds of stories here from others. Their advice could sometimes be brutal but it forced me to look within myself and change me. Also a lot of self reflection. And sometimes looking for the good in the midst of all the bad.

I think we never stop learning.

 

[Sweetpea76]

This illness actually dictates if a relationship is going to be solid and if it’s going to last.

This^^^

This is the idea that you need to change. It's not the illness. It's the participants. PTSD sufferers are capable of having long term relationships. They have to work hard at their own mental health and be willing to work at maintaining the relationship. This is where the "he's not healthy enough for a relationship" comes into play. If your partner is unwilling or unable to put in this effort it will not work. That's the key to a functioning PTSD relationship... both partners putting in the effort. One person cannot make a relationship work on their own.

Cheating?

That’s not a PTSD symptom. We all have the power to choose whether or not we cheat.

Exactly. Being promiscuous is a coping mechanism, not a symptom. If your partner is cheating they made the choice to cheat.

ie, how to deal with depressive behavior, how to deal with anxiety, irrational behavior, arguments, needing space (isolation), possible cheating?

Here is the rub. You can't deal with any of that. You can't help him with his symptoms. Nothing you do is going to pull him out of a depression or make him more stable. Those are his battles. You can react in healthy ways, but you can't help, fix, manage, or make better. As supporters we're just along for the ride.

Where I’m lost is, are sufferers never supposed to be happy with their supporters?

Yes it is possible to have a healthy long term PTSD relationships. It really is.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Where I’m lost is, are sufferers never supposed to be happy with their supporters?

I had an awesome supporter for thirty six years in marriage and we only had each other for support so through all of our rocky times and yes we did have a lot, we stayed with each other and did depend on each other and I slowly fell in such a strong bond of love until death took him almost five years ago to a very ugly disease and for the time he was sick I became the sole supporter of him. It was one of the really hardest things I ever had to do in my life and my anxiety was at its very worst so my hat is off to all supporters who stick it out with their partners.

We hardly knew each other when we got married and we were the couple that everyone said to us that we were not going to last and we outlasted all of them who later on got divorced.

We became a really great team and worked together so seamlessly. Like I said it was very hard and I left a couple of times. But we had moments of such happiness and love so there is some hope for you.

But each person has to be willing to work on themselves changing into a better person and ulitmately partner.

I will never choose to get married again because I could never find a partner as good as him. He is irreplaceable for me. So I am now supporting myself and I never thought I would survive without him in my life supporting me.

It took time and a lot of hard work learning to know each other and to try to believe in the other. He did not get help for his issues until our kids were almost grown. But even with the disease he kept on trying to be a better person anyways.

I would give anything to see him again to be able to hold his hand. It is very possible to do this. But being committed to a person in a relationship is key. Without that commitment it would be impossible to do I really think.

I think he is healed and whole in heaven now and I will see him again when I am finally healed and whole too. I will be so very happy to be with him again because I still miss him so much.

I want you to know that unless your partner is committed to you and to dealing with his own issues it will be so much harder and I do not think that giving until it hurts is a good thing for you. I have PTSD and although I do have my moments in being a messed up person I have experienced some pretty major joys in my relationship, never perfect but I would do it again with the same guy.

I really hope that this is what you were looking for. I really hope this helps you too.

I think that when we went to a group marriage counseling class we finally learned how to listen to the other and communicate with each other in healthier ways so I am all for getting as much help as possible. Good luck

 

[Friday]

The vast majority of men I’ve dated, and I’ve dated a lot, have had ptsd. Which very effectively takes PTSD completely off the table. It doesn’t matter what the symptom or expression or coping mechanism is... everyone deals with them differently. Personality, character, needs, wants, desires, all change person to person. It was all the same brand of crazy, but the men themselves were all very different.

It’s probably very similar to dating military. If you’ve only dated one military guy, then yah. There’s going to be a ton of culture shock. A ton of things that are normal in that life that aren’t normal for civilians. It would probably be pretty easy to mix up what’s military and what’s the man if your only experience is one person. But if ALL you date are blokes in the military? The military doesn’t even enter into 99% of it. The baseline is the same for everyone. But that doesn’t mean that everyone is the same.

There was a question here recently about how long people have “had” to wait for someone to come out of isolation that I toyed around with answering for a spell and then shrugged, because it’s a very short answer (never) which would require a much longer explanation. Have the men I’ve dated isolated? Damn straight. Have I ever had to wait around for them to come out of it? Nope. Key words there are “had to” & “wait”. Either the time they needed was I was perfectly fine giving, I wasn’t waiting for them, much less obligated to ...no different than dating a hunter, or sports fan, or business traveller, or touring musician... Or I wasn’t. In which case we either fixed that or broke up. Their behavior whilst isolating? Ditto, again. Either it was something I was perfectly fine with, or we broke up. There was none of this “is it PTSD or him“ business cloudying things up. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter if it’s PTSD or him, because he has PTSD. That IS him. Just like being active duty military IS him. Or being a hunter/sports fan/business traveller/etc. IS him. It doesn’t matter to me whether it’s an every day thing, or a seasonal thing, or an intermittent thing. It’s a thing. Either I’m okay with it as it is, or we talk & come to a compromise, or we break up.

I really DGAF why someone is doing something. Whether it’s their job, their passion, or their health. What matters to me is what they’re doing (and am I cool with that) and how they’re doing it (and am I cool with that?).

It's not the illness. It's the participants.

Can’t really underscore this one, enough.

 

[Freida]

Yes!! You can have a great relationship! Hubby and I are going on year 24 and most times are very happy. We have issues just like all married couples so it's not all unicorn farts and roses. Part of the challenge becomes knowing when it's normal relationship stuff and when it's my ptsd messing us up. How do we know? We communicate.

That's the thing. This crap will never go away. It is part of who I am. So it's up to ME..the sufferer..to learn how to control it. And it's up to HIM the supporter to learn how to be ok with it ...for him. To be successful we have to both be willing to do the work to be ok

Perfect example..... I'm in total anniversary freak out more right now. This happens every January and past history has shown I'm going to run. He doesn't try to stop me and I have to meet him halfway. So he knows where I'm going ...that he won't hear from me...and when I think I'll be back. But this year he is also insisting I have a babysitter because I'm much more unstable than usual. So I have a choice to make. Do I let him screw up my isolation or do I suck it up and drag a friend who knows her job is just to make sure I don't end up in Mexico?

I won't lie...it is pissing me off. But I know it upsets him that he can't help and allowing this will make him feel better when I bail. So I agree

living with PTSD is hard, miserable and frustrating and I have no idea how the supporters do it. If you are going to put yourself thru it you need someone who will work just as hard as you do to make it successful. Someone who is doing the work on himself to show you he is willing to get better and be part of a team...rather than blaming you for his issues

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I’ve been hoping for him to open his heart and allow for resolution. He can be quite stubborn at times and when he gets stuck on something it’s hard for him to let go. If and when your supporter makes a innocent mistake (however, BIG) do you go into no contact shut/out? I guess I’m lost on how to handle my current situation. He doesn’t respond to texts, does answer calls however, he doesn’t tell me not to reach out to him when I do. Very confusing.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Does he contact you at all?

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Does he contact you at all?

Only for business. I got him a phone a while back on my account, so he contacts me to ask what he owes for his part of the bill. That’s it. I send him quotes, positive texts and emails. Absolutely no responses.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I had an awesome supporter for thirty six years in marriage and we only had each other for support so thro...

Giving until it hurts meant that I was there for him when needed (finanacially, physically, emotionally and mentally). He gave to me as well, but I knew I had to be the stronger of the two. He really did, and I believe still does, love me. We are just going through a tough time right now, but I want to believe things will work out soon.

 

[Hojay]

We are just going through a tough time right now, but I want to believe things will work out soon.

I'm just trying to gather info, no undertone intended: you say he doesn't reach out other than for practicalities, he doesn't respond to positive texts, but he picks up when you call him. Where does your estimation that you're "going through a tough" time come from, rather than viewing this as an actual breakup that needs to be accepted? Has he left like this before but come back? Or did he ask you to wait for him, or keeping your hopes up in some other way? You said somewhere else that you think he may have gone back to his previous girlfriend?

I think it's also important that you're very honest with yourself about whether you really just want to be able to maintain a friendship, or if you want him back. I've fooled myself many times telling myself I just want to keep in touch and be friends. I always wanted them back. But that's just me. This stuff is complicated, I know.

I'm asking because it's hard to give you advice not knowing if he is currently isolating (within your relationship) or has broken up and would like to keep it that way. The first would mean, hang in there, he needs to cool off. The latter would be more along the lines of figuring out how to not torture yourself about what happened, your part in it, and the consequences of it all, and find some way to let go. (I know, that's freakin' impossibly hard.)

It sounds like you need closure, maybe some more answers, and perhaps forgiveness? It's tough to feel forgiven when the consequences of the action still stand (break up,) maybe that's the hard part to piece together?