Feeling Inconsistent Is Normal In PTSD?

[Pixie]

I've been thinking a lot about this lately and was really wanting to ask the question of others here about whether or not they feel inconsistent within themselves and if this normal within PTSD...

Let me give you a few examples of the ways in which I feel very inconsistent:

• Not being able to remember a bad feeling or alternatively a good feeling (depending on which side of the feeling I'm on at the time)... such as having an awful flashback or bad experience and then later (minutes or hours), looking back and not having any connection to it as if it wasn't yourself that experienced it. Or a sudden and immediate change from feeling extreme emotional pain to extreme calm/happy.
• Sudden and dramatic changes in a belief system (such as alternating between believing one thing or another or the opposite)
• Not being able to give an accurate list of my likes & dislikes because they frequently change (such as reading, playing music, music styles, other activities - arts/crafts etc)
• Regular changes in attitude/feeling toward regular (as in weekly) activities such as TV shows, sports, music, food choices etc and difficulty when these activities often involve other people who expect that I like something consistently when it changes so often that I have to hide how I actually feel because it may and usually does switch from loving it to hating it and back etc.

I've been like this all my life and because of this, I always felt... different from others and I was just wondering if this is a normal PTSD symptom or whether this is more closely related to the dissociative spectrum... :dontknow:

Any input at all would be greatly appreciated!

Pixie

 

[Hemels]

Hi Pixie, :hello:

I sometimes experiance inconsitences with my moods/ reactions to certain things as you have kindly explained. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you whether this is related to PTSD or not as I suffer from BPD also and I try not to seperate them as I am a single person I don't want to feel like 2 different things (if that makes sense?)

Sorry I couldn't be much help

Hemmy xXx

 

[onebravegirl]

Maybe because you are opening the doors to your little people, lots of new thoughts are starting. All those little ones might a questions, and differences of opinion. You, the "Biggie", get to decide for yourself what you want to choose as your own thoughts too. Again, I think you are doing so much self exploration that no wonder you feel a little overwhelmed or numb at times. All that brain activity gets tiring!
O

 

[MarkHutt]

Exactly.

One thing to add - amazing variations in performance that require skill. Depending on mood.

Say billiard. It's not my hobby, I play perhaps only perhaps once or twice a year. But it's been intruguing me - one time nothing works, I loose every game. Then another time and mood - one semi professional got really mad at me because I won him while being really, I mean really drunk. He boasted being a third best player in a whole country.

Since childhood I'v have had similar experiences in various sports - suddenly in one day everything just clicks on right places - and I play so amazingly well people get upset. The next day I might not beat a 5 year old. Poker, curling, bowling...you name it.

 

[TLight]

I've always been one not to settle on anything. For instance, I'll get really into a hobby for about 3 weeks, feel extremely fulfilled by it and think, 'Wow, this is really a good thing!' Then all of the sudden, I don't want anything to do with it.

Also, seems for many years I didn't have an identity, so I'd take on other people's. Gestures, sayings, looks, everything. Whoever happened to be around me the most, I'd take on their persona. I'm not much like this anymore, hopefully.

Likes and dislikes? Again, they seem to change a lot depending on who I'm around.......I never really was able to 'check in' with myself to know whether or not I liked something. I'm better with this now to.

Can't relate to your 'feeling' stuff. And my belief system only changes when I get extremely negative and don't believe there is any good on the planet at all.

 

[Pixie]

One thing to add - amazing variations in performance that require skill. Depending on mood.

Mark, I get something similar to this but with academics. At some point in my schooling, I excelled in maths, even at one time doing year 12 Pythagoras in year 9... but a week later, I had no idea how to do it at all! Same with creative writing, and being able to intelligently discuss philosophy etc.

Sometimes I can add and subtract with little difficulty and at other times, I simply have no idea how to begin.

I've always been one not to settle on anything. For instance, I'll get really into a hobby for about 3 weeks, feel extremely fulfilled by it and think, 'Wow, this is really a good thing!' Then all of the sudden, I don't want anything to do with it.

Yes! Exactly! Wow... yeah I do that all the time! Unfortunately, this usually translates into spending lots of money on the hobby of choice at the time...

I am very thankful for all your input everyone. I did some hard soul searching and listening inside last night and I think I have the answer that I was looking for or trying to confirm. But I'd still be very interested if anyone else would like to pop in with an experience or thought...

Pixie

 

[rjtransient]

Oh sweet god, yes.

I've been called (not unkindly) a person of opposites and a person of extremes. Someone once tried to use "patchwork" in an insult.

It's not the same pattern I've seen in bipolar or borderline personality.

I can be peversely happy in a seriously screwed up situation. I can switch between extremes of anger and love or euphoria like that. Something snaps. And I don't think anyone even notices the change.

I can hold two or more conflicting opinions on a given subject without feeling cognitive dissonance. It's just a matter of deciding which viewpoint to argue for.

I'll hijack a new interest, run it into the ground, and walk away bored.

"So what did you think of the new album by [X band, which RJ has been a big fan of for months]"?
"Uh, not sure. I've kinda stopped listening to them."

Do you ever find that it messes with your social life? Not only in the sense of having to appear consistent, but in terms of who you associate with? I was deeply, deeply involved in a certain subculture for awhile, and we all knew or knew of one another, and it colored my attitudes, interests, lifestyle... and then I up and disappeared. Lost interest, I guess, as if it had meant nothing. Rinse, repeat.

The changing personal values are something I'll have to hold myself responsible for, and it's one of the few things I regret. Hang out with sketchy people, come to realize that these friends of mine are kind of sketchy, do the high-minded thing and abandon them, determine that the other "nice, sane, well behaved" people are even more hypocritical than me, and end up feeling like an ass for abandoning the sketchy friends.

Repeat.

Some nights I stare at my music playlist and wonder why on earth I'd be listening to any of this. One night, I nearly deleted 27, 000 mp3s.

Speaking of "fragmented". . . .

Here's the consistency, I guess. I am a product of my environment.

 

[rjtransient]

I identify with most of what TLight wrote.

Sometimes I can add and subtract with little difficulty and at other times, I simply have no idea how to begin.

I won the Gauss math award in eighth grade without trying. Everybody in our grade had to participate. I got first prize. I aced high school trigonometry and ended up with 96% in geometry when most students were failing, or barely keeping up. 66% fail rate, heh.

Then I started blanking out on tests.

I was sitting there blinking at my grade 12 calculus exam. I couldn't remember the sine law. I couldn't remember how to do long division. Basic math, which used to be a matter of common sense, started to become inaccessible. Some days it all comes back. Academic tests are hit-or-miss. WTH.

 

[Pixie]

Do you ever find that it messes with your social life? Not only in the sense of having to appear consistent, but in terms of who you associate with?

Oh RJ! You sound exactly like me! I could relate to most of what you wrote, unfortunately I don't remember what it was like to have a group of friends. I'm sure I did... wait a sec... yes... I did, but I couldn't tell you the interaction etc as I simply don't know/remember.

BUT I do find that NOW it does really mess with my ability to appear consistent with people which I guess is partly the reason why I don't really associate with others much at all in real life (sometimes I even struggle on here too).

In terms of associates, I can think of one person in particular that I really get along with. When together, usually we are like two peas in a pod, like the same shows etc... but at times, I really struggle because all of a sudden, I don't like that show, or I don't want to talk, or I don't like this or that or I have to adjust my opinions and shift my beliefs around to have the "discussions" etc...

I can be peversely happy in a seriously screwed up situation. I can switch between extremes of anger and love or euphoria like that. Something snaps. And I don't think anyone even notices the change.

Oh yes, yes and yes.

I can hold two or more conflicting opinions on a given subject without feeling cognitive dissonance. It's just a matter of deciding which viewpoint to argue for.

I do this BUT at the point of holding one opinion, I don't actually remember that the other opinions exist at all... yet at other times, like right now, I am aware that there are more than 4 conflicting belief systems inside and yet, while uncomfortable, is not a problem. One of them will come to the fore if a particular "button" is pushed and then it is as if someone switched the button from off to on... and at that point, the other belief systems don't exist... weird...

Pixie