Relationship Can we talk about cognitive distortion?

[Freida]

what about approaching it this way... he agrees to go and you agree he can walk out of the appointment at any time. That way he has an out if it gets too uncomfortable. And - he can set the ground rules for the therapist at the very beginning -- these topics are allowed - these are not. I get that he is scared -- maybe this gives him a chance to just put a toe in the water without jumping in.

 

[Tinyflame]

It's about keeping him safe. And it's a very primal, physical part of the brain that's running it. Not his rational frontal lobe reasoning brain.
So maybe, save those "reasonable" parts of the argument for later, when you worked hard at creating an emotional environment that feels safe for him.
This takes a lot of humility, patience, commitment and a matured ago.
If you feel unsafe in the emotional environment that he's creating?
Then it sounds like, either your own cognitive distortions are at play, boundaries need tightening, as there is an abuse dynamic going on, or it's not a position you are suited or skilled enough for.

I think that is very true and wise @mumstheword

I will just say ... as a sufferer myself, also living with as my SO, another sufferer ...that I find by dealing with my own cognitive distortions, first, I am in a far stronger position to support my man through his.

Yes, that is right. ^^ :notworthy: First, and vigilantly.

No, I don't feel unsafe because I think he's cheating. I feel unsafe because my emotions, thoughts, and feelings are nothing but cannon fodder for his cognitive distortions. There's only so many times you can be shot down like that before you recognize it's unsafe to speak your mind and shut down to a certain degree. Part of me has learned the great lesson of self-soothing and self-validation through this experience, but another part feels like it's retreating and drying up.

^ This is how I think he needs to hear you are feeling.

There might be more than just cognitive distortions involved. If he says he thinks he heard you say something you didn't actually say, that might be a cognitive distortion. But, it sounds like it's pretty hard to have any kind of a disagreement that feels safe, to him. That's a little different. That seems like it might be more him being triggered by conflict, or something like that.

This is exactly what I meant. ^^

Finally, I literally went to my knees and BEGGED her to stop. I'm sure she thought I was nuts.

Aw @scout86 . :( :cry: :hug: All she should have realized was you were breaking down, at the end of your rope, worried to death and exhausted- and BECAUSE you cared so much. :(

To this day, I have no idea what it would have taken to handle that situation better

^ -Her offering to help, not criticize or condemn you. Aka, 'I know you work long hours, can I help you with the colt?'

Thanks to all. Oddly, one thing I realize about myself trying to find words for this thread is I'm triggered- a lot. I thought it was rarely.

And when I said, 'to see a figure (not there)', I should have added, ~in my mind's eye: the movie, or clips of it, playing much of the time I am thinking- seeing- feeling- that intrudes, and that I'm trying to ignore.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Is that a thing, being triggered by conflict? Or is it common?

Conflict is my major trigger. I expect that's the same for many sufferers whose traumas began with abusive parents.

 

[Freida]

If it helps him.... I was so terrified of talking to someone I sat in the waiting room and shook - like having a seizure shook - EVERY single time for about the first year. Its not about not being afraid. It's about facing the fear and going forward anyway.

 

[Tinyflame]

Conflict, lies, not being heard, deceit, reaching out, anger, raging, etc, all some for me.

Yes @Freida I feel like that, if asking for myself or for me.

 

[grimalkin]

Yes, conflict is a huge trigger for a lot of folks, I imagine. Even for me, a non-PTSD sufferer (but who did have an emotionally abusive childhood, even if it wasn't entirely intentional), conflict is a trigger, and part of my OWN issues is that I tend to back down and try to appease at the first whiff of conflict. I'm getting better, but it's taken 40 years and a year of good therapy to even start to get there.

My own sufferer, who was abused emotionally and physically, as well as abandoned, growing up? He sometimes starts to dissociate if he has to make any sort of decision that involves compromise with someone else.

Ironically, I don't mind a good debate. It's just when it gets personal that it's a problem.:rolleyes:

 

[Buttercup]

Conflict is my major trigger. I expect that's the same for many sufferers whose traumas began with...

So if I were your friend or in some type of relationship with you, and some conflict arose between us and i felt that I needed to talk to you about it, are you able to tell me the best way to do that with you without you getting triggered or so you won't fly away? Also, what do you do to deal with these triggers in your relationship?

I like the ideas already written here about realizing they are getting triggered and walk away or end the convo. Do you see these things as the best way to handle these times?

 

[Deleted member 33052]

So if I were your friend or in some type of relationship with you, and some conflict arose between us...

Something I've learned from conflicts with my daughter is that I need space. She gets right in front of me, basically cutting off my access to escape, which is emotional, of course, rather than intellectual. She also causes me to feel attacked, which triggers my flight mode.

My husband, otoh, triggers my fight mode. I suppose that's because he doesn't assume an aggressive posture. In both cases, I need to resolve conflicts without accusatory language. Tell me how you're feeling and I'll do anything I can to help. Tell me how I'm making you feel and I will shut down. Does this make sense?

 

[Buttercup]

It does make a lot of sense, thank you.

 

[Hojay]

he agrees to go and you agree he can walk out of the appointment at any time. That way he has an out if it gets too uncomfortable. And - he can set the ground rules for the therapist at the very beginning

Yes, that's a really good point. I need to make clear to him that it would be completely under his control. I do get his point though. I'm involved in another thread right now where someone is stressing how important it is for sufferers to have control over who does and doesn't know about their diagnosis. I very much get that, and I can't see how we could be in couples counseling without at least disclosing his disorder (or else the therapist would just think he's nuts...) But either way, yes. There's got to be a way. Even though just the thought of talking to someone about anything emotional triggers him right now, there's got to be.

In both cases, I need to resolve conflicts without accusatory language.

Makes total sense! What I run into a lot with my partner is that it's not so much language or tone that gets him, it's the content. So no matter how lovingly and neutrally I say something, he will sift through it until he finds the accusation...which triggers him.

I'm starting to think...what may also trigger him in those moments is that he feels (though it's not true) that he may have to talk about things he doesn't want to talk about, i.e. his past, abuse, and other things that have happened to him. Though I can see why he'd think that, it comes close to another cognitive distortion: everything is pushing him to talk about the abuse. Believe me, I don't even come close to asking him about it.

On the other hand, I get it. I think he knows that to adequately address what we're talking about he'd have to give me more information about what happened to him. He doesn't really, but I see why he'd think that.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm starting to think...what may also trigger him in those moments is that he feels (though it's not true) that he may have to talk about things he doesn't want to talk about, i.e. his past, abuse, and other things that have happened to him

Maybe ask him (what he's thinking or feeling)..?

 

[Hojay]

Maybe ask him (what he's thinking or feeling)..?

I do often :) Goes well sometimes, other times it doesn't. The above I'm just piecing together from some things he's said himself. I'm mainly just trying to figure out how to react when his thoughts and feelings seem to be cognitive distortions that I have to interpret like tarot cards :)