Relationship Boundaries

[RRT13]

Been thinking a lot about this and as a "new boot" or "rookie" as we call it in law enforcement, when did you set up boundaries with your sufferer or supporter when they shut down or isolate.
I've made some recent posts about my combat vet. He actually ghosted on me out of nowhere last Friday. He finally came around and talked to me yesterday on a few texts. We've had a long distance relationship since Christmas. Together 5 months. He seemed very fragile and wants to get off the grid. He says he doesnt feel right around his family or around normal people. And he misses the military. Hes been out 2 yrs. I havent brought up the ghosting yet. I dont feel were ready to talk that yet. But usually when hes shutdown on me in the past i knew to give him space and the next day we start kinda fresh.
I havent heard from him since about noon yesterday but I know now what's going on and giving him his space.
So any advice is greatly appreciated! Boundaries have always been an issue for me growing up and something I need to work on.

 

[EveHarrington]

What boundaries are you setting?

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I completely understand your plight. My ex broke up with me and ghosted a month later. I’ve read where break ups and ghosting could be the sufferers character in general, or it could be symptomatic behavior, we just don’t know. I’ve also read that sufferers can make decisions as clearly as non-sufferers can, so all we can do is give space and stand by. I haven’t really spoken with my ex since November and I’ve recently started giving space and not contacting him at all. His mom called me last Sunday to check on me and to tell me that she loved me which I found very bizarre, so I’m not sure how to handle this new situation. I hope things are different for you and you can help your partner to get the therapy he needs.

 

[RRT13]

@EveHarrington I know me and him need to discuss the ghosting. How to prepare more on the bad days and isolation and shutdowns. Im very supportive but I also fight abandonment issues from my childhood. So maybe thats something I need to work on when the isolations happen.Hes never ghosted me and what do I do if he does again. What are we as supporters willing to put up with and not. I dont want to get ran over but I do want to support and love him.

 

[EveHarrington]

I ask about the specific boundaries as sometimes supporters think they are creating boundaries but they end up creating rules or ultimatums.

 

[Freida]

talk to him BEFORE it happens. talk about how the two of you as a team will balance his need for space and your need for reassurance. Both can exist in the same space - you just need to set the ground rules of what you both expect it to look like. If he is happy with how isolation is working he many never completely ghost. That's a pretty extreme reaction that not all sufferers have and it can come and go.

I still take off but now it comes with boundaries of telling hubby where I'm going and it has to be planned out ahead of time so it's not truly ghosting. But that is because we have found a way to communicate that lets me escape without him worrying. In fact I'm doing it today. I've had some really bad therapy sessions and I'm overwhelmed - so I'm headed to denver in a couple hours. I planned it a while ago when the pressure started to get to much. He knows where I'll be and that I'll be safe. Which is all he really wants to know.

IMPORTANT!
Me: I need to escape. I'm going to denver to see bestie. I know we can't afford it. I don't care. I'm leaving on the 15th because I can't handle anything else
Him: Ok, I'll drop you off at the airport.

No questions about why I'm going. No drama that I don't love him. No issues that I'm running off to besties instead of staying with him.
It's simple I'm leaving. He has to be ok with that. Which means he has to trust me to come back. Can I promise I will? Nope. But I probably will because I got my space...

 

[Sweetpea76]

sometimes supporters think they are creating boundaries but they end up creating rules or ultimatums.

They are rules. Rules for yourself.

You cannot control other people but you are allowed to draw a line in the sand regarding the way you're willing to be treated. "If x happens (i.e. Ghosting) I will not stay in this relationship."

Setting boundaries should be done immediately. Make sure you are firm and final on what you will or will not tolerate, because if you waffle or do not enforce your boundaries they are worthless. I will not tolerate cheating. I will not tolerate abuse. I will not tolerate ghosting. I will not tolerate whatevz. If you say it you have to mean it.

Now compromise and negotiations are something that happens AFTER you lay down your firm boundaries. Kind of like @Freida is talking about. She and her husband have a protocol in place that works. They have discussed it and can mutually respect each other's needs. She needs space, he needs to know she is safe. This is where there is compromise and wiggle room. There's no wiggle room with boundaries. Either they're respected or they are not.

 

[EveHarrington]

They are rules. Rules for yourself.

You cannot control other people but you are allowed to draw a...

Sorry, I should have clarified.

You are right in that they are rules for yourself.

I recently came out of a relationship where my partner was horrible at setting boundaries and instead tried to make rules for how I behave. This obviously did not work.

 

[Sweetpea76]

That's where a lot of people have problems... trying to use "boundaries" as a method of control.

 

[Hojay]

Already really good advice above. I think what's important to understand about boundaries is how little they have to do with other people really. As in, they're all about you and your standards, values, and beliefs. The only way to really become firm and healthy about boundaries is to be very clear about why they are there. It has a lot to do with self-worth and self-respect, i.e. if you respect yourself and know your value, boundaries come naturally.

If your fuzzy on that front (e.g. used to abuse or bad treatment from childhood, thinking your not worth better treatment for whatever reason, or inclined to use boundaries as a means of controlling someone) keeping up boundaries will be hard to sustain. Which is alright for now, everything's a work in progress, but being aware of 1. what boundaries are, 2. where they are, and 2. why one's limits are either non-existent or fuzzy, are great first steps to building a healthy self-image that ultimately leads to healthy, natural boundaries.

My partner and I have pretty strict protocols in place as well. I use a safeword when I can see his mood shifting into trigger talk (which often sounds and feels abusive,) which immediately ends the conversation. I will not engage further, leave the room, or hang up the phone. My boundary is screaming, gaslighting, or aggressive verbal behavior, all of which happens when he's symptomatic. I used to think that enforcing my boundary meant to argue and defend myself. Eventually I learned it's the opposite: Complete disengagement.

When it comes to isolation, it was a long, arduous road to really communicate and set boundaries. But now, it's 1 text a day (to know he's still alive) and a clear understanding that it's a temporary situation. What I can't do are days on end without knowing he's alright, ghosting, or no communication with our relationship status in limbo. So that's required a lot of conversation beforehand. My boundary here, clear commitment. If he can't give me that, I can't be in the relationship.

It's always, always difficult to communicate a boundary without it sounding like an ultimatum. No matter how I phrase it, my partner will always interpret it like I'm trying to tell him how to act. It takes time, patience, and firmness to clarify that he is allowed to act however he wants to, just as I am allowed to make my own choices based on his behavior.

 

[Buttercup]

but I also fight abandonment issues from my childhood. So maybe thats something I need to work on when the isolations happen.

I think this is key. This is something that I do routinely and not at all consciously the first six or so episodes. But over the last six months this is exactly what I have been doing. When these breaks or isolation periods happen, I have come to realize it brings up huge issues from my past for me. So many things.

My abandonment issues are HUGE!! I didn't realize how bad it is but through this experience. So, while I have thought in the past that it's all about him and his healing, I have started to think these times have been a blessing in disguise for me because without them, I never would have taken such a hard, and painful, look at myself and my past issues. I have grown and learned (still growing and learning at this very moment) so much in this past year. I really owe it all to him. This whole experience with him is making me a better person. But it has been kinda painful, that is true.

All that to say is, yes, take these times to look at what is coming up for you and what you need to do for you to heal. I think doing that is key for finding boundaries and what you need for you. I think that self work will make it easier and more natural for you to find and place those boundaries.

 

[Justmehere]

what do I do if he does again. What are we as supporters willing to put up with and not. I dont want to get ran over but I do want to support and love him.

It’s up to you to decide what you let into your life and not.