Distortion and disturbance life trauma

[Pauline]

Hi guys this is quite a tricky post but I really needed to get it off my chest as I have not been in therapy for a year and I am spiriling a bit now

First of all I have had a lot of trauma happen to me I was born with a complex heart condition I have a hole in my heart no pulmonary artery and another condition and I have been a lot in the medical world as a child and teen I am now 25 and it seems to be impacting me more in my daily life.

My original trauma happened as a teenager when one day in class I couldn't breathe for three hours straight and lost my memory after a black out when I woke up I could only recognise faces but not know who my friends and family were I also suffered from child regression there was no cause found for why my memory loss happened except that because I have low oxygen levels due to my heart that doesn't seem to help my memory recovered but my child regression is still there but even though partly it may be due to my heart condition I feel there is something more to it.

I don't remember much of my life before the memory loss although when I recovered I went back to school but got severely emotionally bullied I have also suffered heaps of intense panic attacks and been in three life and death accidents since from drowning to just collapsing to being sick in hospital and watching my nan die in front of my eyes.

I have no physically or romantic relationship due to a lot of my trauma issues but lately I feel as though I was sexually abused and my memory loss was just a way of coping with it I am not sure if it is true or not but I have had images in my mind of my dad hurting me even though my family is the best thing in the world that has happened to me

I know there is this thing of false memory but every time the thought comes into my head it makes me feel sick but I feel like my mind is trying to reveal something to me and if it was not my dad I feel as though I was still hurt physically in some way either by a man or when I was in hospital with doctors

I have had heaps of depression fear flashbacks from emotional bullying at school and I can remember not being able to remember ( if that make sense) I have tried to overdose once and suffer from self harm issues and I am getting nightmares again I am scared of men and being near men and sex I haven't had sex yet and the thought makes me shrivel or cry like I need to protect myself otherwise I am jumpy and feel a lot like a child I have also suffered bouts of chronic pain.

I have a psychiatrist who tried to get me a therapist but apparently no one wanted to take my case as I was too complicated for them which makes me feel even more of a freak with my medical condition I still live with my family and have a part time job but my social life has plummeted and my sleep is awful I wake up scared that someone might come into my room and do something to me

I am sorry if this sounds a bit intense and a lot but I feel like some of what I could be suffering may be distorted thinking or there could be more to it I know no one is professional on here but I feel like this is the place I go to when I'm at a complete loss with myself

Overall I have a very stable family life and love my father to pieces so these thoughts are just disturbing me and I wish they would leave but I know my trauma is unsolved so I feel like my body will just tell me when it is ready but if anyone has any sort of inSight or advice or just to tell me I'm not mad it would be really helpful X

 

[KwanYingirl]

#1-co back into therapy. Your life story is ripe with traumatic experiences. Memory is a tricky thing. It is my belief that women don’t have false memories about sexual abuse. What you need are some skills to even you out and when it’s time and you feel safe, you can put that memory on stage and see what is revealed. Doctors are not above sexually abusing young children. That’s a fact. 1 out of 5 girls is sexually abused. That’s a fact. You have no reason to be ashamed. As a child you should be nurtured, not overstressed to the point of self harm. You deserve loving kindness. I’m sorry you were bullied. I was treated like a leper when I was out of school for 3 months. All my friends ignored me. That manifested into several years of drugs and isolation. You need someone to guide you safely through your trauma symptoms.these stresses are held in every part of you.

 

[Pauline]

Thank you so much for your reply back it means a lot just to try and put the pieces together I was shunned as well what you say makes sense I really appreciate it X

 

[Freida]

oh Hun -- you've been thru so much! No wonder you are hurting....

Here's a couple thoughts that might help...

I know there is this thing of false memory but every time the thought comes into my head it makes me feel sick

I\

if it was not my dad I feel as though I was still hurt physically in some way either by a man or when I was in hospital with doctors

False memory is a really common question. My T explained that if a body reaction comes with the memory, it's not false. But. The memory may not be complete. You may be remembering a situation with a man -- but don't remember who it is. So your mind may be latching on the the most well known "male" in your life and using that as a bookmark. As you go thru therapy those memories become more distinct and you should get the real story

but apparently no one wanted to take my case as I was too complicated for them

Then he needs to keep looking. Don't think of as they didn't "want" your case. Think of it as they were self-aware to know that you need a skill level they don't have. That's not good or bad. It just is. You will find many people here who have gone thru a range of therapists before they found one whose training met their need. My T says she loves people like us because we give her a challenge she doesn't' usually get. I'm really not sure if that's a compliment or not!

and @KwanYingirl is so very correct -- you deserved better than that. You deserved help and kindness - not bullying