Relationship Dissociation question

[Hayland]

Hi everyone. Looking for some advice.
I have been with my boyfriend a year and a half and we have lived together for a year. He has ptsd from his service 10 years ago. He sees a therapist and deals pretty well most of the time.
A few months ago I found reponses to Craigslist personals in his email. He swore up and down it wasnt him and even though I didn' believe him I let it go. A couple of weeks ago he sits me down and tells me that it was him but he doesn' remember doing it because he was dissociating at the time. He said him and his therapist have been working on ways to prevent dissociation and hes wanted to tell me for awhile. This is the first time dissociation has come up so I don' know much about it. Is that a thing? Cheating while dissociating or is it a way for him to try to get out of it?
We have planned for me to come to a couple sessions with his therapist. He says that he has the dissociation is under control so it won' happen again. He even offered to put a tracking app on his phone so that I can monitor what he does. I' not quite sold on that. While the peace of mind would be good if feel like I was violating his privacy. I'm completely at a loss for what to do. I want to support him but I also don't want to be played for a fool.
Any advice would be great. Tia

 

[Sweetpea76]

I call bullshit.

In my experience, when my vet dissociates he is not functional enough to cheat, much less navigate a website trolling for women.

 

[glass frog]

From my personal experiences, I'm not sure dissociation would necessarily explain that behavior. I think you are still in control of your actions while dissociating and need to take responsibility for what you do in that state. And although there are ties between dissociation and memory loss/forgetfulness, I don't think it's typical to completely lose entire events/chunks of time (unless whatever happened during that chunk of time was traumatic, and your brain blocked it out in order to cope). I think going to the therapy session is a very good idea, and you should take it from there and ask his therapist for further explanation. Best wishes to both of you.

 

[Rumors]

Yeah I agree with bullshit... I do that sometimes when I get too close to a topic but in no way could I create a craigslist account and send emails while dissociating and not remember anything. Sorry.. I would be apprehensive as well...

 

[Gs172003]

Yeah he's lying because he got caught. Sorry

 

[Snowflakes]

A couple of weeks ago he sits me down and tells me that it was him but he doesn' remember doing it because he was dissociating at the time.

also don't want to be played for a fool.

Cheating is not a symptom of PTSD. He made a conscious choice to cheat. Whether you forgive him and rebuild your relationship is a decision you have to make. If he did not have PTSD, what would you do? PTSD is not an excuse to cheat.

 

[digger]

Are there instances of people dissociating to the point of having no recollection of what they did while they were dissociated? Yes. It's not common, but it can happen.

Does this sound like someone using dissociation as a convenient excuse because he got caught cheating? I think it's certainly high up there in probability stakes.

I think seeing his therapist to get their take on how much of a factor they think dissociation is and what level they think he is dissociating too could be useful.

Whatever the outcome, ultimately, he is still responsible for his actions when he is dissociated and you need to decide where you put your boundaries with him and what you are prepared to put up with.

 

[EveHarrington]

Let’s say he was dissociating to the point where he doesn’t remember his actions.

This is SERIOUS dissociation.....to a point where it may take him years to get it under control....and it most definitely won’t be fixed in a few months.

So when he says he has the dissociation under control?

Bullshit.

That is, it’s either bullshit that his dissociation is under control and he won’t do it again, or it’s bullshit that he was cheating while dissociative.

Pick your poison. Either way, he’s lying to you IMHO.

 

[Gs172003]

Are there instances of people dissociating to the point of having no recollection of what they did while...

Honey if he's willing to use this as an excuse to get by with what he's doing what else will he use it for? Be careful.

 

[Nessa7]

My opinion is also that he's most likely lying, but I also wanted to add that it would be terrifying if he was dissociating to that extent. It's definitely not something that you would want to just accept if you do try to believe him. As presumably his main supporter, he should have told you about this much sooner because it isn't safe for him to be dissociating to this extent without the person that lives with him knowing. It's an emergency.

 

[Hayland]

Thank you all for you responses.
You all pretty much just validated what I was thinking. Now I need to figure out what to do about it. Ugh this sucks. I may be able to forgive him once but the trust is gone. I'l start with seeing what his therapist has to say.

If I'm going to stay and try to forgive him. Do you think seeing his therapist for relationship stuff is good or should I find a couples councillor?

Honey if he's willing to use this as an excuse to get by with what he's doing what else will he use it f...

Yup this scares the shit out of me

 

[EveHarrington]

No, do not go and see his therapist for relationship issues. She already has a relationship with him and will be biased in his favor. You need a neutral party.