ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

Man it is a gong show sometimes.
Anger is one that often led to food for me. I struggle with figuring out how to let anger be. It's a process.

It certainly is!

It sounds like @Disco Dancing Queen you have made some challenging choices recently. Massive hats off. Nothing about healing an ED is easy or simple. Sending support.

Thanks!

 

[ms spock]

I ate three bowls of grapes and yoghurt as comfort eating last night. I did keep inside my Weight Watchers points. I am struggling to do the basics - or even anything.I did go to a meditation class yesterday morning and Saturday, but mostly I am checking out. I just went and slept most of yesterday. Then I went to bed early last night. We went to see Papa Bear last night. I didn't want to go, despite sleeping most of the day then watching comedians I was tired.

The anger things is really hard @NinjaWolf I am struggling with this a lot.

I just don't want to have to work so hard anymore.

I Love the music on this one Radical Acceptance.

 

[mumstheword]

I have gained even more weight since my friend took himself out. I am now 87.6kg:arghh;.

I just went to an intensive yoga weekend though and did pretty well. I managed to do just about everything and sweated bucket loads.
I have decided coffee is out since I managed without it at the retreat, because I like it sweet and milky.
Also going to make a big effort to make all my exercise classes and avoid sweets in general.

I cut out the out of control binging, but I still wolf my food down too fast and have had too many sweet coffee's and desserts that I usually don't since my buddy passed away.

Also lots of cafe meals,with my kids because it's the only place I get time with most of them them.
Also, I've been hitting the red wine and beer, so that's gotta go too.

 

[ms spock]

I am not going for big changes most of the time @mumstheword I am going for small incremental changes. I don't have chocolate in the house and I take my tea black now. I try to keep trigger foods out of the house, or I buy just enough for the day - so a small pot of yoghurt in order to assist myself in food regulation.

That is so great that you went to your yoga weekend! It is so tough to do self care, so wonderful that you did it!

 

[ninja]

I know disco dancing queen. I am still trying to sort out the anger thing. Part of it is that I can recognize it sooner now, before I turn to food.

Part of it seemed to be anger at myself for taking away my one greatest distraction and coping mechanism. And then the anger at feeling powerless to know what to do.

I’ve learned after spending time in my body and letting myself eat too much, I so do not like the way I feel or the spot it puts me in. That is now my biggest tool and deterrent. I think I had to get to a particular place of okayness with my feelings and trust in my body, and trust that eventually, it will work itself out and be okay. Having one ‘no restriction day’ is working well for me.

Having yoga as a regular outlet to get in touch with me has helped a lot. And when I am angry I tend to either need to ferociously walk it off and let my thoughts run, or scream into a pillow. I’ve found movement has been instrumental to moving through, particularly anger. A fair bit of my processing has happened at yoga. And regular movement reminds me how I want to feel lighter and agile.
Creative expression I need, and I need to tell myself over and over that I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. As is. I am doing the best I can and that is enough.
Thoughts to take or leave.

Awesome mumstheword! I am glad the weekend was inspiring(?) and nice. It happens gradually, I tend to think. Set yourself up for success with changes that are for sure doable. You’ve had a rough time lately, and been processing a lot. The sweet coffees are delicious, and the caffeine. . .
Sometimes when I wolf down food it’s because the whole experience is overwhelming and if I can simplify and eat a smoothie or something that is less complex I can pay more attention.
Again, thoughts to take or leave.

Sending support @Disco Dancing Queen @mumstheword

 

[ninja]

One no restriction day every few days*

 

[ms spock]

I knew I wasn't hungry but I had a sandwich and a couple of bananas anyway! I was having emotions. Then I totally got lost in the maladaptive daydreaming. Egads!

This was so unnecessarily harsh as I needed to have lunch and that was the only time that I could have had it!

I have gained even more weight since my friend took himself out.

I am so, so, so sorry for your loss!

 

[mumstheword]

I am not going for big changes most of the time @mumstheword I am going f...

Small changes sound doable.
I've decided on coffee with a small amount of milk, just one, with some xylotol, which is lower in calories and good for teeth today.

I am soooo sore from yogaing all weekend! And seriously wiped! So I'll go easy on myself.

I like to eat healthy food, as a rule, but my weaknesses are oily food, not awesome portion control, and yes, good quality chocolate and red wine, especially when I'm really struggling with low moods or triggers.

Also I get stuck in hide/freeze/collapse mode in my unsafe and overwhelming-feeling house at the moment and I'm trying to move to address that.

I notice if I focus on a frightening or stressful things, I will go straight back for seconds as comfort eating, regardless of whether I'm actually satisfied or not.

That shit has to stop.

I know my food issues were a result of having a hostile, rejecting, volatile mother who was incapable of comforting me, who frightened me. I had ambivalent attachment at best and avoidant attachment also, with her. Also the CSA.

Mother dumped me on others, was very emotionally neglectful and abusive.

I started overeating at 13, when she boarded me out to a family of Scottish people, who ate bad (Scottish, very greasy) food. I had been vegetarian before that, but was a non-lunch-and-breakfast eater for years before that.
I also had no friends at a small town private Catholic school and I started starving and then binging when I gained some "puppy fat" that year.
This was after childhood sexual abuse and violence.
I went on to become very thin and malnourished and was knocked up at 17 by (who was to become) a long-term abuser.
(This was after more rapes and violence perpetuated upon myself)
Luckily I had my babies but I would quickly starve myself thin after each birth.
I stopped the severe malnourishment after my last child and have struggled with ballooning ever since. Losing at times and being a healthy weight when I've been able to binge on exercise.
Since I hit 40 and had to move back to my long-term abusers area, my weight has just sky-rocketed. Oh, that also coincided with one of my children becoming psychotically unwell.

I feel like it's been sabotaged by my fertility and then lack of it, too.

My hormones and this being a reckless, too maternal and in love female have caused me to conceive every time I've embarked on a weight loss regime,in the last two years, and then I lost them all anyway.

Post miscarriage weight gain is another thing I've had to contend with.

I'm not going to go too hard with the weight loss this time though, as the last three times I lost a shit-tonne of weight really quickly and then conceived. Now I think my body is extra hung up on the dangers of weight loss after losing three pregnancies.

So I'll have to go slow and steady and keep building muscle as it quickens the metabolism and just cut things out and down in a manageable way.
Thank you for this thread @Disco Dancing Queen :) and for your peer support:hug:. I really appreciate it.

I know disco dancing queen. I am still trying to sort out the anger thing. Part of it is that I can r...

Thanks for the feedback and encouragement @NinjaWolf :p.
Yes, a whole weekend of yoga was a good intensive conditioner after everything this year and the severe unwellness and freezing of last year.:happy:.
I did cry a bit in the last session. I can't do the back bends that I revelled in as a child:x3:, and it took me back to that yoga child and I grieved losing her and everything that took me away from her, that happened since then.

I know losing the weight will enable the return of being able to do the headstands and backbends that I used to do with ease.

I'm determined to get back to backbending:rolleyes:.

 

[ms spock]

I notice if I focus on a frightening or stressful things, I will go straight back for seconds as comfort eating, regardless of whether I'm actually satisfied or not.

This is what I do as well. I just eat and eat to numb myself. I am doing it a lot less but it is a challenge.

Thank you for this thread @Disco Dancing Queen :) and for your peer support:hug:. I really appreciate it.

I think I would never have made it this far without the peer support that I get from this and other threads @mumstheword.

I would not have gotten as far as I have with the disordered eating stuff if I hadn't had the people give me feedback and participate in this thread, I would never have managed to get where I am now. I work hard at it, but you need people who understand.

 

[ninja]

You will absolutely get back to backbending @mumstheword . No doubt in my mind. And then you can think back to this and say to yourself: I've done it. I dealt with sh*t and now I get to honor that little girl with a backbend or several. We can celebrate "the little things" all along the way, whenever it feels right to do so.

I am also working on a particular skill that I've always wanted to do, never thought I could do or have the strength and flexibility for. . . and am closer than I would have thought possible. Odd to be human. :hug::hug:

 

[mumstheword]

I am so, so, so sorry for your loss!

Thank you @Disco Dancing Queen , yes one of my singing buddies who also happened to be my besties bf.
So so sad, another one lost to cptsd. He couldn't get himself out of a toxic enmeshment with his older sister/pseudo mum/ weird pseudo wife relationship and he took himself out instead of cut ties.

My bestie is devastated. She loved him. He was a beautiful man. I'm very cut up about it too, I can.hardly believe it. It's so so sad.

I tried to support him and share resources and peer support but he was in so deep and admitted to my bestie he "didn't trust anyone" , anyway, I'm hijacking this thread, sorry.

 

[Beans]

Bleh. Lost 50lbs, need to lose more, but have been stuck since November. It's no coincidence i started looking for work in earnest at that point. I'm working and super stressed but eating is my only coping mechanism... I try different ways but i can't seem to stick to anything. Sigh. I'm just so tired. Feels like most of my energy and resources get sapped by work. I have barely anything left to focus on recovery. Bleh. I've just felt a bit dejected these last few weeks. All this stuff is so hard.