How do i let go of the past? i'm i crazy for thinking there should be some universal justice?

[Mikeisnotmyname]

I'm not sure how to start this.... I have always had a problem with not letting shitting events go and overannalize them in hopes that I can come up with a solution or reason they happened in the first place. There is a solid and rational part of my thinking process that says life is not fair and getting up after being knocked down so you can keep moving forward is part of learning and growing as an individual. But after years of therapy I am still convinced that the bad guys/ people out there deserve to be punished. Am I crazy for thinking that it is wrong for murders, rapists, and womanizers should have more working against them then bad karma? Some advice other than living my life at present to the fullest, basically as a big F U I'm a bigger person than the petty problems that arise?

In short, and without being overly specific as to the exact situations (for now, till Im more comfortable with releasing those details anyway), I feel that excepting the shit from the past without seeing punishment dealt out is like saying it's ok to break the rules. This broad and encompassing theme stems from childhood issues, military/ deployment issues, and my marriage. My spouse is the only real person I can confide in and they seem to have much better control over letting the past not bother them, in the mean time I regularly regress to beating myself up about a past I can not change. It's hurting my marriage and my family, but I literally can't get control over when I think about past negative issues.

So far I've been in PTSD therapy, am on an array of mood altering meds, work aolt and excerise for distractions, and recently went through a group anger management class. From all the "advice" I've received the most helpful seems to be when someone with a similar issue figured out how to solve their problem. Does anyone else out there know a different angle of approach to deal with this?... and anything along the lines of "Suck it up buttercup!" has already been regurgitated back to me by my kids. Go figure, I apparently can't practice what I preach and I finally know that they are listening to me... That kind of scares me as I do want them to be tough, but I don't want them to end up with the same issues I have. It's about 3am my time so its time to put the CPAP face strangler on and get my 2-3hours of rest I think. Help if you can, criticize if you will, I will take even bad advise at this point with a grain of salt in an attempt to learn an alternate way to except the things I can not change.

 

[Mee]

I think letting things go is really difficult. Unresolved things that weren’t fair.
Sometimes I try and consider situations in which people might have felt I got away with things so that I can see that maybe my perspective is skewed

Our first line of defence has to be the justice system and that fails many. I think another way is to help each other WHILE we fight for what's right. Not major things necessarily, Bending over to pick up something someone else dropped and retuning in with a smile, speaking up if someone is being intimidated or spoken to badly in a public space.just being kind.

It cannot undo the wrongs to us.... But it can help redress a bigger balance.

I hope your cpap helps you have a good night sleep.

 

[frogthroat]

I am still convinced that the bad guys/ people out there deserve to be punished. Am I crazy for thinking that it is wrong for murders, rapists, and womanizers should have more working against them then bad karma?

I don't know if anyone ever gets to where they can fully let this go. I can't tell you how many times I've cried because I feel stuck with a seemingly impossible problem that I didn't cause and there's absolutely no justice to be found. I've ruminated too long on this and now I'm at a stagnant place in my life. I literally have to rebuild myself from the ground up.
My therapist keeps telling me "the past is the past" and it's so infuriating because I just feel so dismissed. I think, at least in my case, that's a part of the reason why I currently can't let go. I feel like how can people take my dignity from me and nothing happen? Now I'm supposed to magically retract and continue living when I was never taught how to. To try to rebuild social relationships when everyone seems warped is exceedingly difficult.
This is the point I'm at so please don't get upset. I can tell you're really upset and I don't know anything about you personally. I'm just going to give you my findings so far.
I think the point my therapist is trying to make is that you can't let the horrible things that people did to you or the horrible things people do to each other affect you in such a way to where you stop living and moving forward. You sound like you've accomplished quite a bit despite having PTSD issues including your military history you mentioned you have a spouse. You've already moved on quite a bit you probably just don't see it.
There's literally nothing you can do about the monsters of the world besides just be the best person you can be to you. There are things I feel I have a moral responsibility to stop. For example, if I walked in upon someone being attacked I would intervene or at the very least call the police. I know I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do anything. I wouldn't be like the people in my life who knew the horrors I was facing and yet turned a blind eye.
Just so you know, I think you're very commendable for having such a strong sense of morality. I think this means you're not doing as bad you might think. You're not so depressed that you don't even care about it anymore.
Rebuilding hope is really hard. I'm struggling to try to leave it behind. Every suggestion to leave things in the past feels like someone pouring salt into my open wounds. I'm at a point to where I have to find community and purpose again. I haven't even lived yet really. I've never dated, never done anything spontaneous(except drink too much) so I'm having a hard time. It's like I'm being asked to ignore the first 18 years of my life and start over but I'm just out of options. I have to reinvent myself or I'll die and a find a way to make peace with the hideousness of the disgusting things that I went through and I know other people went through. I'm not doing the best with the task.
Good luck to you. I'm not blowing you off. Trying to see the good in life and in people now is really, really hard.

 

[Mee]

After responding to your post this morning I learned someone I used to know is having an affair. My reaction was, I an told, disproportionate and it's not reasonable to wang to tell the spouse as I do not have all the facts. I am not the morality police, and so on.

I totally accept my reaction is more dramatic than others’. I have agreed not to do anything but my mind is churning. I am a bystander to betrayal and it's making me extremely unsettled and weepy.

I think partly our attitude to justice and morality is not confused . I think its other peoples that is. I totally know that's what mad people say so....

 

[TruthSeeker]

As a child I was taught rules. If you follow the rules, you will be a good person and people will like you and you will have a good life. This is basic values 101. I tried so very hard to follow them. I learned the basic 10 commandments...plus the few extras parents throw in to make their life easier in the parenting department. Do what I say-not what I do, it is best to be seen and not heard, but remember to be a good person. SoI did, but the rules have changed! Rules can be reinterpreted or blatently bent by others.I didn't change.....even my perception didn't change......the people around me didn't follow the same rules = unfair! As an adult, in a workplace, I still see injustice where favoritism and discrimination exist. It isn't fair that those people who follow the rules don't get the same benefits and advances as people who "are in the know....and are rubbing elbows with the right people.....or those who clearly manipulate the system." This is unfair. When others know you are a rule follower, and not someone to make waves, they will break or bend them to get control....and know you won't go against them. I have a hard time with some rules for these folks and these rules for those folks. Grinds my ax.....

 

[EveHarrington]

One day I just decided to let it go, and so I did.

I know I’m in the minority here, but I believe in karma. It’s not my job to seek revenge, so I let the universe take care of it.

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, this used to be a thing of mine in a big way. I call it the 'Too Many Walt Disney Movies Syndrome'. I think I was lulled into and perhaps even brainwashed into believing that as long as you are a good person that things will work out. lol. Nope. Hasn't been my experience.

 

[Neverthesame]

I think that not only is the world unfair, whatever created it is an asshole.

 

[TruthSeeker]

As a child I was taught rules. If you follow the rules, you will be a good person and people will like...

For me it is the old adage...Life isn't always fair...get use to it. I'm doing better with this...but sometimes I backslide.

 

[Mach123]

Yes, and it's very funny the way you wrote it. IDK how long you're doing it but not that long I'm guessing. I stopped working so, I get the thing about the kids. My cPTSD was caused by CSA and I wanted my kids to be tough. They were/are actually (the boys anyway) I don't think I did them any good with that? Who knows. I was not tough, I was submissive. I tried not to let that get put on them. My daughter is having problems, they all are in a way. That's just another thing you have to let go. I got better. Everything came down all over. (meaning the pain level, like the tide) All the stuff you mentioned. 3 - 5 years ago I would have written that pretty much exactly. I still write stuff like that but, it's not the same. So, I'd never say 'suck it up snowflake' to anyone that has what I have? But I will say 'it takes way to fu*king long.' It gets better though. Or, it gets 'different.' I'm not depressed. I was depressed mostly all my life I guess. It felt like walking through mud. Everything was so hard. I'm not on any meds. I see a trauma therapist. I have a lot of problems. I'm not saying I never feel like 'oh well, it can't go on forever.' I do. It's not that bad though. There's good stuff too. I hope you feel better.

 

[Rani G2]

@ Mikeisnotmyname

point with a grain of salt in an attempt to learn an alternate way to except the things I can not change.

@Mikeisnotmymode I can relate with this thinking mode. This is not useful advice because I must still get through that jungle of emotional fields. Cutting off useless, sometimes distorted world views, adjusting them not only rationally BUT also learning to get to that very source emotionally. Meaning loads of emotional volcanos erupting and letting them resurface finding just the right dose.

Purely cognitive focus hasnt been helpful for me so far. Understanding that humans have a very strong need to compensate experiences of powerlesness by searching intesively to get that power they once lost. This is almost not bearable for a human mind (I believe this...)so we ( Not saying everyone does this...)Do everything to get some kind of control by fantasizing and creating ideas how things should be.

 

[TruthSeeker]

@ Mikeisnotmyname

@Mikeisnotmymode I can relate with this thinking mode. This is not useful advice be...

Yea, but when I create shoulds….I set my self up for continued frustration....and more shoulds…..and anger....lots of anger. I have a kiddo at school who struggles because she is so different and lives in "Shouldland" -that's what I call it....I still go there occasionally but I'm always frustrated. I think I spent 45 min. today offering options to this kiddo the dangers and frustration of having to judge others by my own standards.(and they don't do that)...that's the path I take to end up in Shouldland. It has caused me less conflict to just admit and not fight the fact that the world is unfair...life is often unfair....walk away rather than engage.