Can't cope anymore.

[LilyRose]

Sorry for being so negative!
Just need to get it out. Sorry if it doesn't make sense.

I am really struggling.
Nobody irl seems to be listening. I am trying to tell them i am not ok. But they seem to be ignoring me. They only see the positive things. Or just what they want to see. Everytime i ask for help, it gets shut down. They are messing with me and just want to get rid of me because i am to much trouble.
I am messing up at work, can't do anything without getting anxiety and stress, it takes so much energy i am just sitting there, doing nothing. I feel useless. I have been pushed for months without the right help, felt it comming for weeks, finally i was on the edge of breaking down, and then i got triggered. It pushed me over and now i am crashing hard. Never felt like this before.
I don't want to do anything anymore, i am so very sick of it all, of my life like this i just want it to end. And i don't care how. Don't care about anything right now. Don't want that job that is triggering me, there are pushing me into. Don't want to keep going to tests and doctors only to hear bs or sorry can't help you, you need to go to this or that. Everyone is sending me to someone else. Just STOP please.
Can't sleep right now, my mind is going crazy. There is no help out there.
Wish i could end it all.

 

[Angelwings]

Sorry for being so negative!
Just need to get it out. Sorry if it doesn't make sense.

I am really str...

I really understand where you are right now. I've been there myself. I've tried to commit suicide 8 times. I am SO glad I never succeeded. I know right now that is what feels like the only way to relieve the pain, but believe me, it is the wrong choice. Feelings are fluid. Hang on. Feel the feelings. Scream, cry. do whatever it makes you feel like doing, just don't take your life. You are worth so much more than that.

 

[Hopeforlife]

I can relate @LilyRose can you take some leave from work at the moment? We are here if you need to get some stuff out. Huge hugs if you will accept.

 

[LilyRose]

I really understand where you are right now. I've been there myself. I've tried to commit suicide...

I am trying but just can't see any positive things. I am not doing anything stupid right now but just can't deal with it. Nothing is working.

 

[LilyRose]

I can relate @LilyRose can you take some leave from work at the moment? We are h...

I already did a week ago. Took a week of but it didn't help much.
Tnx

 

[Angelwings]

I am trying but just can't see any positive things. I am not doing anything stupid right now but just...

It's okay that you can't see positive things. Right now you need to process your intense feelings. They will pass. Things will get better. Last week I felt the same way and this week I have hope.

 

[LilyRose]

It's okay that you can't see positive things. Right now you need to process your intense feelings....

Glad you are a bit better.
I don't see it happening soon. Feeling so worthless and strong si my hands are shaking.

 

[Angelwings]

Glad you are a bit better.
I don't see it happening soon. Feeling so worthless and strong si my hands...

It might take time. You've already survived the worst. You can do this. It will pass.

 

[Hopeforlife]

Take some more time if you can. Are you doing anything ‘For you’ at the moment. Sport, yoga, classes, meditation, self care? Are you in therapy?

Sometimes just letting the feelings be is good. Maybe there will be some light for a little bit for you to regain your strength. Sending you some of mine too .

 

[LilyRose]

Tnx.
No none of that. Just working and crashing after. Everyday. No therapy either.
My light went out the last few weeks.

 

[Angelwings]

Take some more time if you can. Are you doing anything ‘For you’ at the moment. Sport, yoga, cl...

I'm also keeping you in my thoughts. If I could wave a magic wand and have it disappear I would.

 

[Lena Mae]

Sorry for being so negative!
Just need to get it out. Sorry if it doesn't make sense.

I am really str...

Dear LilyRose, I hear you, and I understand. I was there. I had a very specific plan to end my life. Nothing mattered. I was organizing my finances so I'd not leave my daughter with a financial mess. I am so sorry you are in pain. Depression/PTSD have a strong grip, you are lost in darkness, and need relief from your distress. I get it.

When mired in depression, it is difficult to think clearly or do anything. Thoughts are clouded and slow, like swimming in mud. Those who have not experienced depression do not understand and tend to blame the person with depression by idiotic advice, "Count your blessings, cheer up, everyone gets the blues," etc., which is hurtful, not helpful.

You are not being negative! You found the strength to write on MYPTSD which shows you have inner strength and want help.

If you have not tried this yet, please look up a telephone number for a Suicide Crisis Center. Or if possible ask a friend or family member to find this resource for you. The police or local hospital will have this telephone number. This is your first step. You CAN do this.

I don't know where you live or what resources are available to you, but I'm in Minnesota, USA and I'll tell you my experience. I was at the end ready to leave the world, and my plans seemed logical and pragmatic to me. I remember thinking I had lived long enough, and it is time to go. This was depression talking. Depression is incredibly insidious and powerful, twisting thoughts into desperate actions.

Each morning I'd wake either screaming or crying with panic attacks. I'd get up and go to the phone and call the Suicide Crisis Center. The people at the crisis center understood, listened, and connected me to resources that helped me. A social worker came to my home and interviewed me. I went to a residential crisis center for 10 days. It was scary but the best thing I've ever done. There were others there similar to me - everyone was lost in depression and thoughts of suicide. Counselors talked with me each day. I was only responsible to take my medication and take a shower - that was literally all I could do. But I was safe and those 10 days got me to the next step, which was to go back home where a nurse visited me once a week and helped me with the next steps. I could not drive, I was unemployed, I was terrified. The nurse drove me to resources (doctor, day help center). And it all started with my first call to the crisis center. I know what PTSD does, what depression does. I still have PTSD and depression but I'm SO MUCH BETTER and I no longer want to kill myself. I drive, I work, I do things that are enjoyable. There is hope.

You can do it. Find the number and call. One call. Don't worry about the big picture or other tasks or solving it all now. One call. Please post again. I care about you. I am sending strength into the universe for you. Love and strength to you.