Starting a diary for myself

[LilyRose]

i was thinking about starting a diary, but i am scared of putting my whole story online. so i started writing it down on my laptop just for myself. at least it is a start. i hope it will help me.
I started from the beginning. I've been through a lot of shit but had no problems writing most of it down (skipped a few incidents). until i got to the incident 4 yrs ago which caused my tbi and started my ptsd symptoms... i can't write it down. i can't think about it, or the effects afterwards. no words appear on the screen... i start feeling anxious and my mind goes blank. I try again but something is holding me back. like i am not aloud to think about it. a headache is coming up.
why does this happen? why does it stop there? how do i finish my story?

 

[littleoc]

Hello :)

Don't be so eager to get it all done immediately. Do it in parts. Stop when you get too anxious. It's okay if you get anxious, though. Do what you can.

These guidelines have helped a lot of members:
Link Removed

Good luck :)

 

[LilyRose]

Hello :)

Don't be so eager to get it all done immediately. Do it in parts. Stop when you get too anx...

Tnx. I feel like i am stuck in that moment now. Don't know how to get through it.

 

[littleoc]

Tnx. I feel like i am stuck in that moment now. Don't know how to get through it.

I can't remember -- are you in therapy?

 

[LilyRose]

No i am not in therapy now. Have been reassessed last week but don't know yet what will happen next

 

[Still Standing]

Hi LilyRose,

Starting a trauma diary is a different animal, altogether, in my book. It was a HARD decision, for me, to start one here on the forum so that all could read it. It makes me feel very vulnerable. Yet, it feels good to have others know the secrets validating my pain and struggles while trying to wrap my head around them. They see things that I do not see. Perhaps this is what would be good for you, too? IF you want to start one here, do it in pieces. I, too, am an eager beaver and simply want to get it all on "paper". But, this is work, not a race. PTSD therapy is a process. You need time to digest your traumas. It is easy to dash through them but, what happens is that you miss or ignore the finer points and these may be ones that are really important to look at and understand. It would be better to have someone walking through this with you. If you write, here, on the forum, you will get support and encouragement and understanding. But, I would suggest that you wait until you are in the care of a therapist or counselor...someone who will support you and help give you tools to deal with your traumas. You may not be emotionally ready to face your BIG one, yet. Take your time. Already you are getting upset and questioning yourself. This says to me you are trying too hard and are not ready to take on your whole story, yet. Don't force yourself. When it is time to write the next account, you will know. It will not have to be forced. It will come, but not now. Pull back and let you mind rest. You have recorded enough for the moment. Time for a break! :)

 

[LilyRose]

Hi LilyRose,

Starting a trauma diary is a different animal, altogether, in my book. It was a [...

Thank you for this. It makes sense.
I do want to start one here on the forum but i am scared about putting it online. I have never told my whole story to anyone. So i thought writing it down just for me would be a start.
When i think about it, i've had a few therapy sessions, i had to talk about that one incident, and i did. I forced myself over and over again. my t thought i could talk about it without problems and stopped the sessions. But that was not true. It was very hard and my symptoms are so much worse now that i am having pretty bad si. I am depressed and having trouble getting help, so i was trying to do something to help myself. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. I might have been skipping alot of details just to get to the end.

 

[littleoc]

my t thought i could talk about it without problems and stopped the sessions.

Wow, that's no good.

It might help to get a new therapist. When I get stuck on memories (for more than a few days), EMDR has really helped me. Even if I have to work with "smaller" traumas, first.

Hugs, if accepted.

 

[LilyRose]

Wow, that's no good.

It might help to get a new therapist. When I get stuck on memories (for more th...

Yeah that is why i had to be reassessed last week. They where worried about my mood and gave me an extra test.
They probably want me on meds but i have to wait for them to discuss my file and situation. I can't wait that long so i am trying to find ways on my own again. Well, now with a little help of you all. So tnx.

 

[littleoc]

I can't wait that long so i am trying to find ways on my own again.

That's impressive. It's great that you're trying so hard.

Just remember to give yourself breaks and don't rush too much in the meantime. Do you have an idea for how long it'll take until you can see a new therapist?

 

[LilyRose]

That's impressive. It's great that you're trying so hard.

Just remember to give yourself breaks and...

I'll try. Its just i feel that i need to because i am afraid of my si which is daily now.
Right now i am feeling scared and not safe (not because si) so i can't sleep. Its 3am and have to get up at 5.30..
They told me it would be a few weeks before they would call me, they still might tell me they can't help me.

 

[EveHarrington]

My take is that if you’re not in a stable position right now, it’s not the time to be writing everything down in a diary. This isn’t what you should be doing right now to help yourself. I think it would be best to focus on coping skills, grounding, and self soothing methods.

Writing a diary? A trauma diary? That can open Pandora’s box, and throw you into levels of hell you wish you didn’t know existed.

I’d save the diary writing until you have a bit more of a safety net and support network.