Dom Violence I want to attempt leaving

[blackemerald1]

I feel like I just want to be out and done, but that I have to go through motions. I'm so scared.

What things do you feel you must do before you will give yourself permission to leave?

I am concerned for you. Being scared is not a normal emotional place to be.

What can you do to make yourself feel safe that is actually safer?

 

[courelly]

Well, my fear is twofold - first, it's the standard stuff that goes along with a breakup, i.e. moving on and being without someone who's been your focus for years. The second part is that I don't know how he's going to act. I am terrible about sticking to my safety plan, i.e. not telling him or giving him details. The guilt keeps taking over and I worry that he'll be mad at me for springing it on him, or that he'll suffer.

He already knows that my brother is coming next week. He's asked me to give him ten thousand dollars before I leave, or else he'll go after me with lawyers etc. Obviously this part is a bluff, he has no case as we aren't married and it's my income, no shared accounts. What I'm worried about is retaliation or him coming to find me. I feel like if I don't give him money then he won't leave me in peace.

What things do you feel you must do before you will give yourself permission to leave?

I am conce...

 

[EveHarrington]

News flash.

Even if you gave him money, he would STILL come after you. If anything, giving him money is just more of an excuse for him to stay in contact.

 

[scout86]

@EveHarrington is right. Forget giving him anything.

You don't owe him a thing. He can take care of himself, he's been doing that all along. He'll be mad, he'll claim to be hurt, he'll make you out to be the villain. Let him. Get away from him and get on with your life.

 

[mumstheword]

No way. Don't enable his bullying, I say, by rewarding it, it'll encourage him to keep being a manipulative bully, but then It's easy for me to say. Personally I think if you give in to the fear and let him manipulate you, that empowers him, gives him more power. You are giving him your power and it will cost you a lot more than the ten grand. That's just my two cents, take it or leave it. I'd be getting services involved to keep him in check myself.
I get you are still investing in protecting him, I'm the same with my sociopathic ex, but really that's part of the number they've done on us. I'm scared of not protecting mine and I keep pacifying him with what he wants, too, but I think this is part of the sick hold they have on us

 

[blackemerald1]

moving on and being without someone who's been your focus for years

@courelly - this is a real fear. You are used to your current situation. It is very, very hard to extricate oneself out of a situation into the unknown. The unknown has all sorts of possibilities and I am sure there is an insecure part of you that competes with the other thoughts..saying; but can I make it on my own; will anyone else love me if I leave him; I might feel lonely on my own. (or similar..I can't read minds.
Yes it's ok to wonder about these things.
How would you answer these questions?
What is more likely to hurt you or disable you permanently @courelly?

I don't know how he's going to act

You are right - you cannot totally predict how he may behave but I think you can guess:-
Try to physically harm you; (relying on past experiences)
Right now he's trying out blackmail before you leave.
He may simply leave you alone. Best outcome
So how could you avoid the physical and financial abuse?

I am terrible about sticking to my safety plan,

Yes you have a history of returning. Many, many women have done this before they have finally and absolutely left. Unfortunately some do not make it out alive. I am not being dramatic, it is a fact.
Work out what comes unstuck usually and work on making that part better.
You do not have to have a whole life plan worked out before you go. Just a exit strategy that moves you out and into a safe place.
In your case, yes he may be unpredictable however go with what you know and work on everything else once you are safe.

guilt keeps taking over

Is your partner ill, disabled or unable to take care of himself? He seems to have enough strength to grab you around the neck and the intelligence to emotionally manipulate you. He will cope. There are lots of services that will help him find a job, get a meal, wash his clothes. He will cope without you. You are not his responsibility.
Maybe this guilt stems from his manipulation of you? Idk.

he'll be mad at me

For sure he most likely will. However his feelings are not your responsibility are they? From what you have described he is angry at you a lot of the time anyway. I don't mean you should antagonise him deliberately ever, but I think leaving him is your prerogative and he will have to deal with that.

give him ten thousand dollars before I leave, or else he'll go after me

This is just outright blackmail - totally unacceptable. It is a threat. Go to your local Police station and report this. Do not threaten him with getting the Order. This could lead to violence. Just go and get that Intervention Order and leave the relationship.

If he believes he has a right to your money he can consult his lawyers. You cannot stop him doing that anyway.

I'm worried about is retaliation or him coming to find me.

If you fear this then Obtain that Order and call the Police.
Yes, if you give him money, highly likely he will chase you for a long time for more money or to harm you or try and sucker you back.
He will probably spend it very quickly and come back for more. When you cannot or will not give it to him yes, I can see him wanting to retaliate. He is not allowed to do this to you @courelly It is wrong.

If you were to leave successfully and he stalked you and you had not taken out an Order already time to go to the Police, lawyer or local Court where you are then located and report him.

Please go and see a lawyer or women's DV advocate who can refer you for some legal counselling in this regard. You may need to obtain an intervention order before you leave.

Remember abuse is unacceptable. You are no exception. This includes emotional, physical and financial abuse.

he won't leave me in peace.

Court Order's are just a scrap of paper but disobeying them have real consequences for him.

Returning to the possibilities of the unknown:-
If you do successfully leave him, imagine what might be possible? A period of time to heal. A time to focus on yourself and really find out what you want to do. Possibly finding someone whom you love and who can give you healthy love back? Have children - you wrote about this earlier in the thread? Possibilities are endless..

So many really wonderful opportunities sit out there in the unknown. You are still definitely young enough to do all of this and much much more. I sense a feeling of helplessness in your fears. Are you feeling helpless?

 

[courelly]

@courelly - this is a real fear. You are used to your current sit...

Wow, I opened the computer today to check on this forum, and you essentially quoted everything that's going through my brain. I woke up before him this morning and had a moment in the living room alone, and asked myself, can I do this every morning? Wake up alone and make it through the morning? Am I making the right decision? Maybe he's not that bad etc etc. Gives you some idea of how far he has wormed his way into my brain, since just yesterday he threatened to sue me if I don't give him ten thousand dollars. I will always be astounded at his ability to say or do horrible things and have me chatting casually with him the next day.

Thank you for identifying that I feel helpless. I completely do. I don't know if this is true of all people in abusive relationships, but I've found some false guidance in his controlling nature. I started this relationship during a time that I was feeling guilty about cheating on a former partner. My current partner seemed like someone who "tells it like it is" and he wasn't afraid to call me out on wrong things I did. Unfortunately that evolved very quickly into calling me out on things I'm not even doing wrong. Am I a good or ok person without him yelling at me over losing socks in the wash cycle or not speeding up to pass a slow driver? And he often tells me I'm not perfect either, so maybe I'm demonizing him? He says no one's Jesus and wouldn't put up with my crap either, and I always believe him.

I told my brother that I need help to move because my brother is a smart, emotionally intelligent, no-nonsense nurse practitioner who gets things done. I knew that if I finally confided my situation to him, it was the equivalent of committing to getting out. My biggest fear is that he's going to get back into my head before then and I'll try to cancel my brother's trip.

 

[courelly]

Update: my brother is holding me accountable. He wanted to come as soon as today because he is worried about my safety, but I was overwhelmed by this idea and he agreed to come next Monday instead. There's an actual official date, and I'm doing this.

I'm sure I will chicken out many times between now and Monday, but again, the fact that I've gotten my brother involved means I'm very serious about doing this. Any advice you can give me on how to act/what to do between now and Monday would be great. If my partner gets out of line during that time, I will not hesitate to go to a hotel or call the cops. I've already packed mostly everything I need to leave while he was still at his therapy appointment.

 

[blackemerald1]

@courelly above all else keep yourself safe!
This means:- keep your keys, wallet, meds & phone in your bag at all times. Ready to go.

If you can, without raising his heckles hide your jewellery & anything extremely precious at a friends place or another secure place.
Get your essential documents into one of those collapsible files & away to a secure place too.

Notify your bank to stop payments on everything you pay for the house, utilities etc., (This includes the internet at the premises).
You must do this. I know it probably makes you feel bad however you cannot subsidise his lifestyle anymore.

Any financial things must be wound up. Get all the necessary doc's to do this. You can fill them in and either email or fax them when you are safe & away.

If you know where you are going for the short term get a redirection form for any mail that you usually get, post date it. So you get your mail where you are going. There may be a 24 hr to 48 hr turn around time for this so be aware of mail that might get missed in the change.

Everything else can be collected with the help of Police supervising. (later)

If he jacks you up, don't let it escalate just go.
Go to a motel or a safe friends place and then call the Police and your brother. If he follows you go directly to your Police Station or a place of safety.

Physical safety over all else.

Please be aware that things may become very tense before your brother's 'official' visit. So, without dumping your entire routine, try to maintain boundaries with this partner. Do not provoke him deliberately but do not allow him to rant you into submission either. If he starts doing that - make an excuse like you need to go and get milk or something extremely ordinary and get in your car and leave. Call the Police when you are out and I thoroughly recommend obtaining a Intervention Order.

I am sure you are an ok person. You know what sort of person you are. Do not be defined by your abusive partner and as for him using Jesus's name in relation to anything...that's a laugh. Wonder what he thinks Jesus would think of him grabbing you around the neck, threatening you and trying to blackmail you?

Cheating on a partner - yes it has it's fall out. Mistakes well we learn from our mistakes so we don't make them again.
I am not here to judge you on your mistakes but it sounds like your partner has become rather expert at doing this. Is this how he keeps your 'in line'? So he hooked you in with his apparent 'straight talking' and now he's got an opinion on everything you do or do not do?

Things are getting out of hand when the washing machine eats a sock and he's got to set you straight! Maybe when you are safe we can have a discussion about my conspiracy theory regarding washing machines and socks.:alien: Yes they disappear on me too!

I am well aware that you are not perfect @courelly bc I have been alive long enough to know that nobody is.

Good robust discussions are healthy in a relationship. Learning to compromise or agree to disagree...all good. Your history - good, bad or ugly belongs to you. Not him. You do not need a 'guidance guru' anymore than you need a abusive partner! I think your moral compass is very much intact. I think your confidence has been smacked around for far too long.

so maybe I'm demonizing him

Well does it matter? You do not love him. He is abusive physically, emotionally and financially. He is a control freak and you want to leave. You don't live with a person because you have to. I don't think it matter's whether you are demonising him. He is certainly doing that in real life to you. I'm sure when he's good he is good. But you now know when he's bad he is dangerous to you.

You have a simple & undeniable right for yourself - to be safe & respected. If this ends up being your only reason for leaving him then let it be so. It is enough.

wouldn't put up with my crap either, and I always believe him.

Turn the tables (not out aloud to him) Who do you know, knowing how abusive he truly is - would put up with his crap?

Someone said they were trying to protect me once and then went ahead to try to kill me. Don't believe him...he isn't doing you any favours by putting up with you. He is trying to control you.

he's going to get back into my head before then and I'll try to cancel my brother's trip.

I cannot stop you cancelling anything. Your brother is coming to help you. This is a real world person who probably knows a lot about DV and it's emotional hooks and cycles too. Let him know that you do feel helpless and need help taking this step. He will then know that you need support to follow through.

This is the most dangerous time for you physically and emotionally.

Self-doubt and being 'put-straight' and all of his tactics that have worked in the past - will be put into over-drive from here on in. This includes physical and emotional abuse.

When in doubt - get out!

Come back and vent out your self-doubts whilst you await your brother. It will do no harm here and we can support you too.

:hug:
b1

 

[blackemerald1]

@courelly

I am terrible about sticking to my safety plan, i.e. not telling him or giving him details.

Please! Do not tell him details of when, where etc., you are going.

 

[littleoc]

Please! Do not tell him details of when, where etc., you are going.

Fully agree. It's none of his business at all -- this is your life and it doesn't include him, so let him be himself and get over it. Don't give him even an inch.

 

[Happyplace76]

First, make sure you have all your essential items - which literally are your keys, purse, wallet, important documents, kids, if you have them and it's safe enough to get them out too. Give the documents to someone else for self keeping. I've done this twice - the most recent a month ago. Tell him you are going grocery shopping and leave. Upon leaving, call your local Women's DV shelter or trusted family member (your brother?) to get someone to go with you to the police station to file an emergency order of protection. Your only priority right now is YOUR safety. Once you are removed from his presence you will feel an odd sense of relief - yes, relief. Then you go from there, local DV center and your family will help you with all the rest. Do not think about him right now. If you must, (this is how I did it because I understand where you're at), label him the POS "Abuser" that he is. Nothing more, nothing less - only time black and white thinking is ok. It IS the ONLY way I emotionally detached from him. It helped in depersonifying him. For me, I had to make him less than human in order to just leave because I was so scared and exhausted. Right now it is about your physical and emotional safety. And being emotionally safe is almost as important as physical safety. I've left with little to my name with a 2 month old son before - and I had to do it again when he was 12 just a month ago. It is hard, it is scary, it sucks, it is necessary. It is better to be alive and hurt someone's feelings than to be dead. You owe it to yourself you sweet thing, and to those who love you. The rest of the strength will come. God bless...