What the hell is wrong with me?

[LilyRose]

Need to rant sorry.
I don't know what is happening to me..
I am worthless. I can't do my job, i can't manage at home...
At work, even an email or a question is raising my heartrate, my hands shake and i start to hyperventilate. Jump up from unexpected sounds, looking behind me every 5 seconds..
Can't listen to coworkers talk for the same reason... i scared my coworkers twice this week... i don't even know why or how. A few days ago i went home early and they called my boss who called me in panic to check if i wasn't going to hurt myself... today, a coworker was talking to another, i wasn't listening, but then all of a sudden she asked me "are you ok"? She looked worried, i was like "what? Yes" . are you sure? didn't know what she was talking about... but all the others almost jumped up from behind their desks checking what was wrong. What the hell did i do?
At home i am a mess too.. can't stand any sounds or lights.. headaches are killing me. I trew up yesterday... bad anger issues, afraid to close my eyes because something might happen... agressive when driving, i don't care if i get hurt or someone else.. like every truck is asking me to drive my car into them to end it... i don't care about anything or anyone.
I have never been like this, this bad. I asked for a week off work because i am useless and can't stand my coworkers and work in general right now. My boss tried to call me today but i didn't answer. I was afraid of her questions and i wasn't able to talk about it. She will call me again next monday. What is wrong with me? What do i do? Do i need to tell them about this? About my si? I don't know if i am able to.

 

[Still Standing]

LilyRose,

I am so sorry that you are being torn apart from what sounds like a raging episode of PTSD symptoms. Have you called your therapist? This would be my suggestion. As my therapist says to me, "Are you just going to sit and white knuckle it?" in response to me not practicing my calming skills. White knuckling just seems to be the more "natural" way to cope, but it is not healthy and it does nothing to learn alternative ways to deal with my emotions. Perhaps you need a bit more help right now in calming yourself. If it feels like things are so intense and unpredictable, or weird, I would put in an emergency call to my psych doc or go to the hospital. Both options will be able to assist you. I if being home and you are not improving, says, you need to intervene for yourself. This is part of taking care of you. There is no shame in calling for help in a situation as you are experiencing right now. Hugs, hugs, hugs, coming your way!

 

[LilyRose]

LilyRose,

I am so sorry that you are being torn apart from what sounds like a raging episode...

I don't have a therapist at the moment. Work in progress. My company doc is on holiday so have to wait for his return to get an appointment. I didn't learn calming skills, apart from what i learned here about the icepack.
I don't know how to get through the day anymore. My coworkers are very nice, they check in with me everyday, if i got home ok and how i am doing, but i just can't talk about it now, so i am afraid ill mess it up with my boss or a doc too. I also don't like people being worried about me. I can't stand them watching me or their pity...

 

[Still Standing]

If you have no therapist right now then I would gently but firmly suggest that you go to your E.R. Or call a mental health crisis line. The denial and excuse demons talk to us loud and clear, trying to prevent what is best for us when we are in need of medical intervention. Don't give in to them. No one wants to be pitied or worried over. These are some of the oldest excuses in the book. But the concern you will receive from bona-fide mental health or medical folk with be truly and legitimately caring toward you...not pity. If you had a slash wound or a broken leg, you would seek help. Why not seek help for your brain that is crying out for some calming help? What is the difference? For me, it is usually pride that keeps me from getting help until it so bad I can't stand the pain any longer. You don't want to wait until you are in such a panic that you lose control and are forced into help. Be kind to yourself and call a support line or seek some E.R. care. The white knuckling :banghead: self care is not going to cut it. :hug:

 

[LilyRose]

If you have no therapist right now then I would gently but firmly suggest that you go to your E....

I wanted to ask for help at work this morning. But i am scared. I really don't want to talk about it irl, and explain them what and how.. i am to tired of that.
Everyday i think, tomorrow will be better, i just have to get over myself, there is no reason to be like this, i am exagerating...

I think i have to talk to my boss monday when she calls... i wil think about it this weekend.
Thank you

 

[Friday]

I wanted to ask for help at work this morning.

But i am scared. I really don't want to talk about it irl, and explain them what and how..

I think i have to talk to my boss monday when she calls

Your coworkers are familiar to you, so it makes sense that you’re turning to the familiar in seeking help.

However... unless you work with a team of trauma therapists or suicide intervention specialists... they’re not trained or equipped to help you.

The place to turn for help with trauma & suicidal ideation are people who are. Therapists, ER, trauma units, mental health crisis lines. And you don’t have to wait until Monday. You can start calling right now.

Use the “I’ll be okay” that’s in your head to reach out for help. Because once you reach the point where you’re not “okay”, reaching out for help beyond calling 911 is usually beyond people. USE the okay to get help, make appointments, follow direction.

The ER is better than nothing, and if you’re not okay? Call 911.

But if you’re okay enough to research trauma units and get in touch with them? Do that. Okay enough to look into intensive out patient? Do that. Okay enough to call suicide prevention specialists? Do that. Link Removed

I’ll be okay is a reason to ACT, not to wait.

 

[digger]

@LilyRose

I can't remember which country you're in but it sounds like you need more urgent support than waiting and seeing what work can offer you.
Do you know of any helplines you could try calling? Or if you are feeling so very out of control and in danger of hurting yourself or others

agressive when driving, i don't care if i get hurt or someone else..

do you think you maybe need to go to the hospital?

 

[LilyRose]

I don't have to drive the next few days so that will be ok.
Actually my coworkers, my boss, they are cops, so they kind of know what to do. Maybe she can help me with finding the right help.
I know the helpline numbers (not in the us) but they will only tell me to find a therapist or something. They don't know me or my story so i m really not into talking about all that. Thats why i want to wait for someone who does know. What i am feeling and whats happening now, It hurts so much it triggers me just talking about it. So i want avoid people.
I went to bed right now so i am not doing anything stupid.

Am i really that bad right now?
One part of me thinks i really can't get through the next week without help, and one part tells me to shut up and stop freaking out over nothing and just get back to work. I don't know anymore.

 

[EveHarrington]

So you’re spiraling out of control and think it’s ok to wait until the company doc comes back from vacation?

Your behavior is out of control and could result in your death or someone else’s death.

And I’m not trying to be rude, but cops don’t know how to treat trauma. Nope, nope, nope. Only trained therapists and doctors know how to treat trauma.

I think you’re in denial up to here...

I really hope you go to the ER or call a crisis hotline.

I mean take it from us, those who have been there....you are NOT well, this can NOT wait. Please reach out for help locally.

 

[LilyRose]

i'm sorry. i am trying.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I really don't want to talk about it irl,

I can't speak when I am suicidal. So don't speak. Here's a chat crisis line: Dead Link Removed and a text crisis line: Home

 

[Nessa7]

Additionally, you can write something to bring with you to the emergency room, so you will not have the barrier of feeling like you are unable to vocalize how you are feeling.