Sweetleaf
MyPTSD Pro
I am having a really hard time talking about how hard of a time I'm having going to work - or even going in f*cking public - to my pdoc and my t. Some people have suggested I try getting on disability. I'm so afraid of even approaching the subject with anyone. I'm even afraid of making this thread.
I work as a substitute teacher, so while I'm still employed, I don't take any assignments. Basically I could instantly return to work, the moment I feel like I can do it. But, for the present time, I feel way too unstable, unpredictable, and easy to trigger. There are times that -kids- (and loads more of adults) in public have violated my personal space bubble and it initiated my "run away!!" response. I had to leave a checkout line in a store once, and just bolted out of the store and went to my car and was like "f*ckING DAMMIT!!!" - as a teacher, kids do shit like that -all the time- it is like something that is a 100% guarantee every single day at work. Some kid at some point is going to violate your personal space bubble (if you have PTSD like mine your bubble is also huge). That's just one example of the shit that makes me think I'm going to royally f*ck up if I try working.
I am so f*cking easy to overload and overstress (oh god just imagining the stress cup filling at work in the first 5 minutes - the first 15 is often super stressful for me) and sometimes I have a really hard time controlling myself, when I start feeling anxious and panicky enough, and it's times like that that I bolt. It even happens in my own home - I have to run away from the place I live sometimes because I get too scared feeling. It even happened yesterday, randomly in the middle of the day. My cats started fighting, the sudden outburst of noise, of their quickly running feet and hissing and all that, startled me, and then that rolled up into me feeling super unsafe, and I had to get out, I just felt too in danger even though I knew the only thing that happened was my cats made noise and it spooked me.
I'm not just worried about bolting, either. There are so many other things that make me feel like I will really f*ck up badly if I work - general "stress cup" stuff for example, along with other things - and all of those same things are the sort of thing that gets in the way of me even going outside and doing shit that I want. I want to ride my bike, and I've even inflated the tires and gotten it all ready, and I -can't- because I feel so exposed outside and riding around with all those people out and about and doing stuff, looking at me, etc. So, I wait for night time, when nobody will be around, but then it's dark and that just makes me feel too unsafe being out there. There was a point in my life, years ago, when I was living on my own, before I ever met my abuser, where I'd ride my bike at night, for hours, 'till like 3 or 4 AM sometimes, and I'd be doing it downtown and in some rather shitty areas of town. I'd call myself an agoraphobe but I'm pretty sure they don't get afraid of being -inside- on top of being afraid of going outside.
When I talk about it with my therapist, she never really says anything about it - never anything like what I fear, but at the same time, it's like a non-response to it, where she just listens to me talking about why I'm afraid of returning to work. She doesn't tell me I'm lazy and need to just go suck it up and work - which is pretty much my fear (judgement, rejection). But, she also doesn't really tell me anything about it. Last time we talked about it, we just talked about triggers and stuff, trying to identify specific ones - which is really hard because there is so much that triggers me, in so many different ways, and it's really hard to even know what's going to set me off.
With my pdoc, I have a hard time talking about it at all. I do talk about my PTSD symptoms, just don't mention that "oh hey I -still- can't work" - I am just afraid that she'll think I'm lazy or a whiner, or not being proactive enough - etc. I'm afraid of being told "lol no, what you have going on is -not- bad enough to not work, you're just lazy"
I -want- to work, I f*cking -HATE- not being fully independent. I hate relying on others, or on luck (finding and then selling my pokemon cards, getting a nice tax return). I hate not having my own f*cking place, I hate living here, I want my old life back. But I can't just up and do it.
I have been considering trying to get on disability but I know that will require talking to my pdoc and my t more about how I can't work. But, I can't help but feel like they're all just going to think "psh! you're not that messed up, just work you lazy shithead"
I also have this fear going on: what if I am just a lazy worthless piece of shit? My abuser basically drilled that into my brain, that I am lazy and worthless and I'm just a gigantic failure piece of shit. But, what if I do just need to f*cking suck it up or something?
I work as a substitute teacher, so while I'm still employed, I don't take any assignments. Basically I could instantly return to work, the moment I feel like I can do it. But, for the present time, I feel way too unstable, unpredictable, and easy to trigger. There are times that -kids- (and loads more of adults) in public have violated my personal space bubble and it initiated my "run away!!" response. I had to leave a checkout line in a store once, and just bolted out of the store and went to my car and was like "f*ckING DAMMIT!!!" - as a teacher, kids do shit like that -all the time- it is like something that is a 100% guarantee every single day at work. Some kid at some point is going to violate your personal space bubble (if you have PTSD like mine your bubble is also huge). That's just one example of the shit that makes me think I'm going to royally f*ck up if I try working.
I am so f*cking easy to overload and overstress (oh god just imagining the stress cup filling at work in the first 5 minutes - the first 15 is often super stressful for me) and sometimes I have a really hard time controlling myself, when I start feeling anxious and panicky enough, and it's times like that that I bolt. It even happens in my own home - I have to run away from the place I live sometimes because I get too scared feeling. It even happened yesterday, randomly in the middle of the day. My cats started fighting, the sudden outburst of noise, of their quickly running feet and hissing and all that, startled me, and then that rolled up into me feeling super unsafe, and I had to get out, I just felt too in danger even though I knew the only thing that happened was my cats made noise and it spooked me.
I'm not just worried about bolting, either. There are so many other things that make me feel like I will really f*ck up badly if I work - general "stress cup" stuff for example, along with other things - and all of those same things are the sort of thing that gets in the way of me even going outside and doing shit that I want. I want to ride my bike, and I've even inflated the tires and gotten it all ready, and I -can't- because I feel so exposed outside and riding around with all those people out and about and doing stuff, looking at me, etc. So, I wait for night time, when nobody will be around, but then it's dark and that just makes me feel too unsafe being out there. There was a point in my life, years ago, when I was living on my own, before I ever met my abuser, where I'd ride my bike at night, for hours, 'till like 3 or 4 AM sometimes, and I'd be doing it downtown and in some rather shitty areas of town. I'd call myself an agoraphobe but I'm pretty sure they don't get afraid of being -inside- on top of being afraid of going outside.
When I talk about it with my therapist, she never really says anything about it - never anything like what I fear, but at the same time, it's like a non-response to it, where she just listens to me talking about why I'm afraid of returning to work. She doesn't tell me I'm lazy and need to just go suck it up and work - which is pretty much my fear (judgement, rejection). But, she also doesn't really tell me anything about it. Last time we talked about it, we just talked about triggers and stuff, trying to identify specific ones - which is really hard because there is so much that triggers me, in so many different ways, and it's really hard to even know what's going to set me off.
With my pdoc, I have a hard time talking about it at all. I do talk about my PTSD symptoms, just don't mention that "oh hey I -still- can't work" - I am just afraid that she'll think I'm lazy or a whiner, or not being proactive enough - etc. I'm afraid of being told "lol no, what you have going on is -not- bad enough to not work, you're just lazy"
I -want- to work, I f*cking -HATE- not being fully independent. I hate relying on others, or on luck (finding and then selling my pokemon cards, getting a nice tax return). I hate not having my own f*cking place, I hate living here, I want my old life back. But I can't just up and do it.
I have been considering trying to get on disability but I know that will require talking to my pdoc and my t more about how I can't work. But, I can't help but feel like they're all just going to think "psh! you're not that messed up, just work you lazy shithead"
I also have this fear going on: what if I am just a lazy worthless piece of shit? My abuser basically drilled that into my brain, that I am lazy and worthless and I'm just a gigantic failure piece of shit. But, what if I do just need to f*cking suck it up or something?