Relationship My Gf Has Ptsd...

[blizbiggy]

Hello, I'm a new member here researching how to cope with my girlfriend who has PTSD. We've not been together long and recently it's been difficult. The past few weeks she's lashed out at me and we end up bickering about the silliest things that make me question where things are going. I'm trying to deal with it all but it's slowly ripping me and our relationship apart. I've asked if she wants to talk to someone professional about her problem but she refuses because she doesn't believe it'll help her. I'm trying my best to love and support her but I don't want to be a crutch for the entire thing and I am questioning whether there is a light at the end. How do I move on from this point?

 

[TheMinsterman]

Sorry to hear you're both going through this.

My SO (dunno how long it will last, something you may need to accept yourself) has withdrawn into a PTSD spiral herself, she has become hyper critical, verbally aggressive, withdraws in on herself a lot etc, it's all quite common in PTSD and there's no hard or fact rule of how to help or how long it will last. The worst thing is it's so unpredictable, you just can't say where it will go from here, I want to be really forward with you on that point, because it's key you start to embrace that as it's the hardest part about all of this.

Nobody here can say if things will improve or how to improve them.

Firstly? Try giving her some space, when she starts to get angry, just take a deep breath and walk away, it will do you no favours to engage in arguments with her and even if it annoys her that you're walking away, you're giving it time to diffuse until maybe you can have a more productive conversation.

Secondly? Learn to not take everything personally, it's incredibly hard and very difficult because you naturally will take things they say to heart, but when people are barely holding themselves together and struggling they may say things they don't necessarily mean (we all do when we're angry and stressed right?)

Thirdly? Don't push anything, if she doesn't want treatment right now that is her choice, you can't fix her, she has to do that for herself. I know you want to, it's natural to want to help the people we love, but the best thing you can do is just listen, diffuse tension and focus on keeping yourself happy and healthy, at least to the best of your ability. You're going to need to learn to be independent for a while, sadly this injury means she can't "be there" for a while.

Does it mean it's doomed? Not necessarily, you'll read on here examples of couples who have peaks and troughs, and whilst my own relationship is pretty much crippled it doesn't mean yours needs to follow the same pattern. I made a few errors by panicking and worrying, it tipped her stress cup over a few times and now I'm pretty sure she doesn't trust me like she used to, if you can avoid some pitfalls early I strongly thing you've got a better chance of repairing your relationship with her.

Vent in here, let out your emotions here, I wish I'd found it much sooner, use this place to get your feelings out, that way you're not burdening her at a time where for all the good will in the world she isn't capable of talking to you about the hard stuff.

 

[blizbiggy]

Thanks. My one issue is that I can handle being alone and silent. If anything, I do it more than normal because I'm used to being alone from being single so long before we got into the relationship. It seems to be a trigger for her sometimes because she doesn't feel loved because I don't talk much. The last episode, I had decided to say something instead of being mostly silent and felt like a big jerk. Dammed if I do, dammed if I don't.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Oh yes, you're going to learn you literally can't do anything right. I worry too much, but I also don't show her I love her. I'm too stressed and it makes her stressed, but I also look like I don't care. You're not dealing with the rational, logical, part of her right now, you're going to find you're always in the wrong, no matter what you do. Right now, though she hasn't said so, I feel as though giving her space has made her think I was ignoring her, it's very difficult, communication becomes Omaha Beach, you've got to keep putting your head up and move to the next piece of cover to get up to the head of the beach, but don't get caught in open fire too long or you're screwed. It's this awful dichotomy between showing you care and being "involved", but also learning when to pull back and give her space.

I am quite introverted myself, and I was single for years before my current GF, I think for me, the difficulty is not that I can't be alone, but that because we're still "together" in some way, it's difficult to untangle from her and go off and occupy myself without feeling bad. Guilt is a big factor, leaving people to their own misery is hard, but you're going to need to, make sure she knows you're there when SHE needs YOU, you're not avoiding her, but you're not going to force your company on her, make it her choice.

 

[blizbiggy]

It sounds like our situation is very similar in a way. Another issue to add to the situation is that get family isn't proactive in helping her at all. It's been only me supporting her to do better and finding ways to help her with the issue. I'm glad I've found this site so it can assist me.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Very similar, only big difference is how long I've known my partner. Same for the family too, they don't support her and it's so unfair on her, it has been just me and that's perhaps why I've not handled it as best as I might, if more people were involved I'd have had more time to read up etc.

Use this site, it's brilliant and very helpful, I also cared for my mum and I had no community to gain support from, when you're a supporter you NEED to know you're not alone.

 

[A13]

Read, read and read some more... knowledge is key!

I've been on here for a little while now and you will be shocked at how much you will relate to. (Just as you have) everyone is in the same position and I find extremely helpful and non-judgemental.
I'm sorry your having a hard time ATM.. it will get easier.

I personally found reading some of the sufferers posts helpful in the beginning to try and give myself some perspective..

 

[Bailey 44]

Please help, girlfriend has severe PTSD

 

[EveHarrington]

Please help

How can we help you?

Is she in treatment?

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi @Bailey 44. Glad you found us. Lots of information here. I'd start by reading the PTSD stress cup explanation. It's very helpful information.

Maybe you should join the forum and ask specific questions. Someone around here will have an answer.

Sorry your girl is struggling.

Welcome to the forums.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

asked if she wants to talk to someone professional about her problem but she refuses because she doesn't believe it'll help her

This right here. If she refuses therapy, then there isn't a lot you can do as untreated PTSD can be insanity. You can't force her into therapy but you can set a boundry. Go to therapy or I cannot be in a relationship with you. You aren't telling her what to do but rather what you will and will not allow in yoir life and that you cannot be in a relationship with someone that's not in treatment. I was "forced" into therapy similarly (go or move out) and I am damn glad I was. Question is, will you adhere to that consequence to that boundry?

ETA: I say I was forced into therapy but I wasnt actually forced. Its just the best word I can find for it. It was a boundry my dad laid.

 

[ken south]

Sorry to hear you're both going through this.

My SO (dunno how long it will last, something you...

I have been dating a wonderful woman with PTSD for eight months now and I have made many mistakes. I mistook her being triggered and needing to vent at me as her thinking that I was not worthy of her. When she gets going it can be hard to listen too at times especially if you have never experienced anything like it in the past. The crazy thing is that it became worse when her feelings for me became deeper. She had put me up on a pedestal that I could never meet her expectations.

Because of my insecurities and long-suppressed issues with the break of my parent's marriage, I reacted poorly and did some stupid and unforgivable things like continuing to actively look and reach out to other women on dating sites and go out on two dates while telling this wonderful woman that I loved only her. I realize in hindsight how wrong this was. I had stopped this activity but retained the memberships for reasons I can not fully explain. On the second date, I realized that I loved the woman and that the date was a mistake

Then one day, in trying to make her feeling better about herself, I suggested that we compare her to other women on the sites forgetting that I still had messages from when I reached out to other women and the few that responded to me. She read all the messages and I know that it hurt her deeply. I feel like shit, I was too caught up in my own insecurities to think about what a disgusting thing I was doing.

Part of her PTSD has been caused by Husband's who cheated on her, and while I was not intimate with anyone else, I still cheated on her. To her credit, she is trying to work through her feelings of hurt. At one point she said that she felt like a piece of trash by the way I treated her. I can still hear her words, they haunt me.

So my suggestions for anyone dating a person with PTSD is to learn as much as they can about some of the symptoms and reactions of your partner and to learn what triggers them. Then you can be prepared when they need to vent, you will not take as personally.

This experience has been a good lesson for me and has helped me deal with some of my own insecurities and self-confidence issues so dating someone with PTSD while challenging can have benefits. The hardest part is the realization that even if they are getting help, they may not be ready for a relationship.

I have violated her trust, I have no idea how to regain it. Any suggestions would be appreciated