Relationship My bf says i am the cause of his ptsd

[Dancer055]

PLEASS HELP,I know this is long but I truly need it. So my bf and I have been together for two years, but before that we were close friends. When we were friends we both liked eachother instantly the moment we met, but didn’t tell one another because I have been seeing another guy at the time but nothing with him was official, but the guy and my now bf were friends. So I continued to hang out with the guy, and he continued to not act like he liked me but we became very close friends whom I would talk to 24/7. On a side note to fully understand the story better, I my self lost my father to suicide when I was only 14 years old, and so I had a lot going on myself. Continuing on, I went through a phase where I would go to a bunch of parties and get drunk just too forget about all the pain losing my dad has caused me and this is what lead to the main event. One night I drank way too much, I wasn’t blackout drunk but I was very out of it and not processing things at normal speed. I finally admitted to liking my now bf to my friends that were at the party with me, whom then told me that he didn’t like me because he told them that he didn’t like me (he now explained to me since that he did like me but thought I didn’t like him so was mad and said that). So I was drunk, I was very upset, I was slow at thinking and understand things, and ended up hooking up with and having sex with the guy I was kind of seeing at the times best friend. I stormed out of the room once I realized to the extent what was going on and left the boy alone, but I understand that the damage was already done. My now bf was there that night and did not take advantage of the state I was in, even though he would’ve liked to have admitted his feelings to me and have hooked up with me, but he knew I was not in the right state to do so. A couple months after that night my now bf and I started dating, and I assumed we never needed to talk about what happened that night because he was there—that assumption was wrong. About a month into the relationship, and we are both completely head over heels for eachother because everything just came so easily with him and I know it was fast but we were so in love already. When he asked me then about what events occurred that night back at the party, I lied and down played everything not telling him what all happened and I said that I did not remember some parts of it. I know that was wrong of me, but I did it because everything was going well and I did not want to upset him and ruin his view of me and our relationship. I continued with this lie until later on I was asked about it again and I admitted the rest, however it was about 6 months into the relationship at this point. He felt betrayed and I have lost his trust rightfully so. Later on, he began to suffer with flashbacks to that night and it really seemed to bother him. He was already diagnosed with anxiety, but it got worse and he became depressed. About a year later he finally spoke up about all his feelings and he was diagnosed with PTSD as well. He says that night is what caused it, therefore making me the root of his problems. We both love eachother so very much and want to be together, but we understand that is going to be difficult. We go through very good times in our realarionship wjere everything is great, but every now and then we have a set back. Just recently everything has been going good for about 6 months now with no set backs at all when he took a turn for the worse. He is constantly interrogating me on what happened, beloved I am still keeping something from him, and says he doesn’t know if he can remain in this relationship and therefore shoved me away. After about a week of only talking when he was yelling at me or questioning me, we finally made up and everything was fine. But then last night, I was very tired after a rough and busy weekend, and he became very anxious and started questioning me again. I accidentally left a minor detail out about what happened and he flipped out and said I did it on purpose and that I’m just like a boy and I answer all his questions to the bare minimum. He said he didn’t talk to me for a week last time, so this time he won’t talk to me for two weeks. He then told me he was sleeping in the bed and that I can take the couch, and to go stay with my mom the rest of the week. I can’t go through this torture of not being there for him again and not talking. He is my best friend and I am his support group, he always does worse when I am not around because he is alone then with no one to sit up with at night if he can’t sleep, or no one to force him to eat and will bring home his favorite food just for this purpose. I just want to help and to some how prove to him that I have told him the full story so that he does not need to worry about it anymore, but I understand that it isn’t my fault he doesn’t believe me. What do I do? Please help, I desperately need it.

 

[littleoc]

Hello there :hug:

So, what I'm hearing is that you were assaulted, and it was difficult for you to talk about. Is that right? At the very least, you were being coerced into sex when it was inappropriate to do so, because you could not consent.

and I have lost his trust rightfully so

You mentioned several times in your post that you were lying and keeping things from him, and therefore owe him truth and owe him an explanation of some kind.

This really alarms me and seems like a red flag. I'm not exactly the most experienced at relationships (I'm young) but I do know that someone demanding this and losing trust in you in this case is inappropriate.

Even if it had been consensual for you, he doesn't need to ask you this level of detail -- this happened before you were dating. It's inappropriate.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I'm sorry it's bothering him so much and sad that you're so distressed. Are you in therapy? Is he doing any work toward recovery that you know of?

Just remember that you weren't just lying or withholding for the hell of it. When something traumatic happens, it's normal to be unable to voice it properly. It's not your fault that this is happening. It's important for him to know that as well

 

[Fadeaway]

It is completely impossible for him to have ptsd from that. You have a qualifying trauma, you can have PTSD, but he doesn't fit the criteria. I think he is using it to be manipulative. He is very immature if that still bothers him, and he is being emotionally abusive for holding that over your head and making you feel guilty when you didn't do anything wrong.

I to lost a parent to suicide so I understand and it really does seem like he is taking advantage of that.

 

[Dancer055]

Hello there :hug:

So, what I'm hearing is that you were assaulted, and it was difficult for you to ta...

Thank you very much for responding because I am desperately looking for help. I was in therapy but then stopped going because it no longer fit in my schedule, and I felt comfortable enough to discuss all my emotions and feelings with my boyfriend directly then. And he was going to therapy for awhile for all this as well, but just recently stopped because we realized he was not a good fit for him. He was doing better talking to me himself and seeing his other doctors. I would sit up all night with him when he had insomnia from a flashback, or I would take the day off and stay by his side skipping school and other commitments to remain by his side on hard days. I didn’t mind doing any of this because he is who I care most about in this world, and would do anything to keep him safe from getting hurt. I’ve come clean and have told him the complete truth of that night, but he just can’t seem to get over it because it gave him PTSD, and his anxiety makes him obsess over it. I just wish there was a way I could prove to him that he knows the full story, because I think then it would all be okay.

 

[EveHarrington]

Wait......he’s claiming ptsd because you hooked up with some guy before you two even got together?

This is even better than all those people who think they have ptsd from cheating. This is ptsd from non-cheating! No, just no.

You don’t owe this guy an explanation about anything from your past. He is toxic and abusive. I advise leaving him ASAP.

 

[EveHarrington]

Thank you very much for responding because I am desperately looking for help. I was in therapy but th...

Again, that night did not give him ptsd. Your actions did not give him ptsd. IF he has ptsd it’s from another trauma, ie physical/sexual abuse, a deadly experience, etc.

 

[littleoc]

I’ve come clean and have told him the complete truth of that night, but he just can’t seem to get over it because it gave him PTSD, and his anxiety makes him obsess over it.

This sentence really troubles me.

Coming clean... to something that's none of his business...? If he did or didn't know if he knew literally everything about it -- doesn't matter. That's extremely red-flaggy.

I have an ex who treated me this way. She would demand I tell her literally everything, even if it hurt my health. She'd leave me feeling immensely guilty and making me feel like I was hurting her, and I had that thought you had of "if only she knew if I was telling the truth."

To be frank, I'm rather alarmed by what you've typed. You sound very loving, but also like you aren't considering yourself of forming safe boundaries

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I'm glad you posted here -- I have a feeling others will agree that something much more is wrong here

 

[littleoc]

Also, @Dancer055 : do you mind clarifying this?

he’s claiming ptsd because you hooked up with some guy before you two even got together?

No details needed -- we're just wondering if

1. he witnessed PERSONALLY (as in was literally there in the room) you being assaulted
2. If he just learned about it later
3. If this assault is bothering you

I think it would help us to know -- as this is slightly confusing and concerning

Hugs, if accepted

 

[ILoveLife]

I was a bit taken aback when first read this and was leaving so I though a hurried reply would be a bit crass.

I don't know what to tell you, but it sounds as though you don't have a very secure or healthy relationship.
Sometimes we fall in love, and that's okay.. But him saying he has PTSD for your trauma and blaming you for the trauma is, in my view, a line being crossed into it's own form of emotional abuse - turning the tables, guilting you for your trauma and playing the victim, etc.

I really advise you into looking closely at your relationship and thinking if it's healthy for you.
Sometimes we form very unhealthy bonds to feel safe, when we should try feeling safe in our own skin.

 

[EveHarrington]

Also, @Dancer055 : do you mind clarifying this?



No details needed -- we're just...

Littleoc, I believe you are projecting. The OP stated it was a hookup, not an assault.

 

[ILoveLife]

Ah, thanks Eve.
I still believe he doesn't have PTSD from you having a hook up

 

[littleoc]

Littleoc, I believe you are projecting. The OP stated it was a hookup, not an assault.

Ah, okay. I am sorry for the assumption, @Dancer055 . I must have misread. I just can't see any way that this could cause distress in him otherwise... but he's behaving very oddly. PTSD doesn't come from this kind of situation, at all