General Supporters: ask a sufferer (symptoms etc)

[Swift]

Hey,
I hope this is an ok place to post this.
I'm in awe of all you supporters out there.
I feel like it isn't my place at all to post in this forum, I haven't read, but this is where my last similar thread got moved to.
I guess I'm not great at explaining to my supporters what's going on.
I don't have the words, and it's so much easier to offer help on a screen, with the added layer of anonymity.
It's emotionally fraught to explain things to my supporters - ,I have to be certain that they're ok with what I'm tellling them, have to make sure I'm not overwhelming them, and I don't want to set off a time-bomb of questions, nor horrify them with things they should never have to understand.
There are a lot of supporters here, and a lot of sufferers too. I reckon we could bridge the gap, between supporters and sufferers' experience of the same symptoms.
Myself, I'm a survivor of CSA, and I dissociate a lot. Like, a lot.
I have nightmares, flashbacks, triggers, all the standard stuff, but my main symptom is the dissociation.
I'm happy to be asked questions about PTSD or the dissociation or any symptom you can think of.
I'm sure there are people here who would be happy to help explain, and do it well, with particular symptoms and traumas.

 

[somerandomguy]

@Swift - do you want other sufferers to answer questions here too? Or is this just for you? :)

 

[Virtues]

I reckon we could bridge the gap, between supporters and sufferers' experience

I am a sufferer; the biggest gap between my supporter and I is: She thinks I don't operate often enough outside of my comfort zone. What she doesn't realize is just how small my comfort zone actually is. Locked inside my house sitting in my chair sunk into my computer is my comfort zone. ANYTHING outside of that is operating outside of my comfort zone. So things she takes for granted like: going to the store, working out in the yard, taking and picking the kids up from school, doing chores, all out of my comfort zone (but I do them). Heck, even things she finds enjoyment in like: going to the movies, going to a sporting event, attending a social gathering, going to a party, going to a theme park, are all out of my comfort zone (but I do them).

She (like any wife) has a honey do list. And if something on that list is beyond my comprehension or skill set it provokes great anxiety. She gets very angry at me for not tackling these projects right away and fails to pay attention to all the positive strides I make in other areas of my life, because she takes those areas for granted. I'm sure this post is helpful to no one, just venting. I'm very frustrated right now.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I always like getting new perspectives on this.

Hypervig... is it better to tiptoe around it, or carry on normally? I understand that the dangers my vet are looking for are very very real to him, but I'm going to forget, for example, to scan for IEDs on a Midwestern US Interstate.

Is it better for me to look for the IEDs with him, or ignore him looking? And I helping or hurting? I never know quite how to approach that.

 

[Sighs]

@Florian7051 - you guys do such a good job of faking ‘normal’ that it’s easy for us to forget that you’re faking. It’s taken me 5 years to really understand that my vet’s level of functioning is similar to yours so if he manages to do a load of laundry while I’m at work that is a big achievement for him on that day.

Have you been able to tell your wife how you feel? Do you have a therapist who could explain it? Why is she so Keen to have you out of your comfort zone?

 

[Snowflakes]

I guess I'm not great at explaining to my supporters what's going on.

It's emotionally fraught to explain things to my supporters - ,I have to be certain that they're ok with what I'm tellling them, have to make sure I'm not overwhelming them,

My sufferer is diagnosed with C-PTSD from CSA. I am aware of what she went through in the past. I don’t need the details of what happened in her past but I would like to be there and listen in the present. I feel like she is battling the demons by herself. Maybe she must battle them alone but I feel helpless. I wish she felt I was on her side rather than lashing out at me who cares for her in the present. I would welcome what you’re telling me and I would not be overwhelmed. I’m a supporter by choice.

It saddens me to read the stories here from sufferers. It saddens me when they must fight these demons alone while we helplessly stand in the sidelines. Thank you for starting this thread. It helps me understand things from my sufferers perspective.

 

[OrangeJulius]

@Swift I really appreciate you opening uo this discussion

I have to be certain that they're ok with what I'm tellling them, have to make sure I'm not overwhelming them, and I don't want to set off a time-bomb of questions

This is one of the reasons I love this site. My boyfriend has expressed a similar sentiment to me. And I generally feel conflicted because I would love for him to feel comfortable opening up to me, but I literally have no idea what he's been through and I know I would just get super sad thinking about my honey enduring whatever it is he's been through. Coming on this site I read OTHER people's stories. And it gives me understanding while simultaneously giving me plausible deniability that MY sufferer didn't go through THAT. (Just some variation that hopefully wasn't as bad).

And oh man I ALWAYS have questions whenever he gives me a little. But I always try to be respectful. I generally ask him if there's anything else he'd like to share about whatever. And if he says no and I have a question I ask him if he's willing to answer any questions. And if he says yes I make sure he knows he still doesnt have to answer after I ask it. It was a game changer realizing that when I don't know what to do/say its totally ok to say that or ask if you can ____.

 

[OrangeJulius]

Locked inside my house sitting in my chair sunk into my computer is my comfort zone. ANYTHING outside of that is operating outside of my comfort zone.

Like someone else said, you guys do this so well that we forget. A friendly reminder is always helpful. And you don't even have to address it directly as "hey this is out of my comfort zone and difficult for me". I was once reminded how hard everyday is because my boyfriend came home from grabbing a red bull at the convenience store around the corner. He came back and told me how the guy behind him was standing too close and it bothered him. It wasn't significant...but that small nothing blurb reminded me that going to the convenience store is difficult and puts the bigger things back in perspective. So....insert little stories like that into your conversations when she asks how your day is and maybe it will be her little reminder? Just a thought. Glad you're able to vent here!

 

[Tinyflame]

Agree with @Florian7051 . Trying to get through even a normal day is more exhausting than people would imagine, which they don't, because for them the demands of the routines are not. And they don't have fear or overwhelm where I have.

I can't look forward to rest because I can't sleep or the sleep itself is an awful experience.

I feel ashamed to not be 'normal'. I feel ashamed where I am deficient or fail.

One good day (or part of day) often leaves me worn out for the next one. Despite the fact I don't want to be. I really am trying. I'm doing the best I can. I know it's not what is expected or hoped for. I expect and hope for more myself.

My privacy means a lot to me. Especially protecting it from people who don't have my best interests at heart.

Some things scare me and just because I hide it doesn't mean I don't feel it.

I mostly keep my thoughts and doubts and experiences to myself.

 

[Freida]

@Swift this is a great thread!!

It's emotionally fraught to explain things to my supporters - ,I have to be certain that they're ok with what I'm tellling them, have to make sure I'm not overwhelming them, and I don't want to set off a time-bomb of questions, nor horrify them with things they should never have to understand.

I don't discuss most of my experiences with my supporters.Y'all on this site know way more than they do. I don't think they could handle it. And I don't want them to see me " like that " .

After being around the supporters here I'm a bit less insistent about keeping my story to myself simply because I've learned how incredibly tough they are. But I don't want to burden them with the truth.

Is it better for me to look for the IEDs with him, or ignore him looking?

I look for danger and Hubby reminds me where and when I am to ground me. He can't see/ understand what I'm looking for, but he agrees I need to look for it.....if that makes sense?

 

[Swift]

@somerandomguy, definitely everyone! I've only got one experience and one brain, the more the better.

So things she takes for granted like:

Have you heard of spoon theory? I'm not a total propopent, but it's been really helpful in explaining stuff like the shops as being a significant thing. Or having a shower as taking energy. Or how some days I can manage heaps, and some days not much.
It's really interesting to hear the other perspective. "Fake it til you make it" is a fairly big principle for me. As sufferers, I think we forget that you forget that we're faking being OK and together.

Hypervig... is it better to tiptoe around it, or carry on normally?

I'm not a military vet. A few things really make a difference. My dad will warn me if he's about to make a loud noise, which helps. My mates will let me pick where we sit in a cafe or whatever, and where we park. It's a bit of a running joke, which also helps.
I like to sit with my back to a wall, and I like to be able to see the doors and windows of any room. Sitting with my back to a door is pretty much impossible, it's that uncomfortable.
I barely even realise I'm doing it, it's just so natural. Things like waiting rooms, it's really important to me where I sit.

So yeah, I think knowledge sharing is great. Thanks for all your replies!

 

[somerandomguy]

I don't discuss most of my experiences with my supporters.

I've learned that take actually a bad idea to share a lot of my experiences with my supporter. And I can only share about half of my emotions with her. Partially it's because she doesn't want to know, and partially it's because what I share may make her pissed off at me.