General Supporters: ask a sufferer (symptoms etc)

[Gs172003]

I've learned that take actually a bad idea to share a lot of my experiences with my supporter. And...

Dude. That sucks

 

[somerandomguy]

Dude. That sucks

Why?
If it's not going to help our relationship for her to know these things, why share? My T knows everything and is helping me process them. My supporter is not my T, and if I know that my thoughts, experiences, and emotions disturb her, why should I disclose them to her?

 

[Gs172003]

Why?
If it's not going to help our relationship for her to know these things, why share? My T kno...

Why would it make her mad though?

 

[somerandomguy]

It's just the way she is.

 

[Swift]

PTSD is an ugly, ugly thing.
Like, we all feel or think shit that is irrational... and as soon as we tell supporters, they don't understand why or how or that it's a PTSD thing and it's not a comment on them.
Or on us as people, really.
Sometimes it's hard to know what to say.
@somerandomguy, I get it. I get it so much .
It's really hard to do the balancing act of what we tell you guys, and what we protect you from. Of course you've got your own emotions about how we act.
As a sufferer, it can be difficult when I get shut down, or the wrong thing becomes the issue.
Everyone's human, everyone reacts emotionally without thinking through sometimes.
When I say something, it's often really hard to say it.
I'll give an example, while we're on the subject.
One of my things after CSA is that feeling of shame and self-hatred and that I am so, so, so inextricably bad from the experience.
We teach kids about "bad touch" and "good touch" without an awareness of the consequences.
Kids are also pretty driven by experience and the pleasure principle - if it feels good, it's good, it means I'm good, as a person. If it feels bad, it's bad, and I'm bad.
So add that all together.
When a kid gets "bad touch" that feels "bad", they feel like it's them that is the bad bit.
They feel "bad" as a person.
When I try to express that bone-deep feeling, oftentimes my supporters don't understand, or don't know what they're doing wrong.
They know I'm not bad, and when I tell them how bad I feel about myself, they try to rationalize it.
They try to figure out, in the now, what's making me feel so bad, or if they're doing anything to contribute to that feeling. The answer that "it's not a 'now' feeling" doesn't seem to cut the mustard.
That's a hard thing to understand, I think.

 

[Sweetpea76]

What makes the difference between and good supporter and a bad supporter is understanding. Understanding of PTSD and understanding of their partner's specific case of PTSD. Also understanding that there is no way that we're going to understand everything, and sometimes we just have to accept those things.

Educate your supporters. Tell them where to find resources, encourage them to seek their own help. Research PTSD together. Be open and honest with them.

I am a way better and happier supporter because my vet is so transparent with me. He doesn't tell me everything, but he tells me a lot. The less guesswork I have to do, the less misunderstanding. The happier and more laid back I am, the better off he does.

 

[EveHarrington]

Like someone else said, you guys do this so well that we forget. A friendly reminder is always hel...

The problem with constantly having to remind a partner about what we can and can not handle is that when our energy reserves are tapped, we have no energy to manage you.

Instead of requiring us to constantly tell you these things over and over again, maybe try writing notes in your phone and reviewing them every day.

I know I’d give a partner the heave ho if I had to remind them about something ad nauseam and they weren’t proactive about even trying to remember what I’ve said.

 

[EveHarrington]

I've learned that take actually a bad idea to share a lot of my experiences with my supporter. And...

Bingo.

Anyone who wants us to spill it all?

Please go read the stories from supporters who have been devastated by such disclosures and years later have still not recovered.

There is a reason we have therapists. Let our therapists hear the nitty gritty and please be happy with the not as deep stuff we share with you.

 

[OrangeJulius]

Instead of requiring us to constantly tell you these things over and over again

we have no energy to manage you.

I understand that. I am not talking about a daily reminder of "hey, dont forget stuff is hard for me" or anything. But generally sharing the occassional small everyday thing that can be difficult that I wouldn't think twice about. When I see things are "good".... especially when things are "good" for longer stretches it is easy to forget that having a good day is also difficult...sharing the everyday difficulties/situations occasionally is good because I would otherwise have no idea because I have no indication that it's a hard thing to do.

I'm not saying "hey every week we need to have a conversation about what was hard" ...but in general being more open about the everyday things. If I ask "how was your day" my sufferer goes with something like "fine". If he said something like "I got weird at the grocery store but it was otherwise ok". Then when I see the dishes aren't done....I have an idea about why and don't get frustrated.

I don't feel like that is asking to be managed or be reminded constantly...just more open/honest. But maybe it leaves a sufferer more vulnerable than I think. I don't know.

 

[Freida]

I don't feel like that is asking to be managed or be reminded constantly...just more open/honest. But maybe it leaves a sufferer more vulnerable than I think. I don't know.

Hubby looked at me last night and said "why are you all ramped up?" My response? I don't know. The ramped up part comes before the reason for it -- if that makes sense? So its partly a vulnerability thing and partly a --I have no clue - thing. Sometimes I think I'm fine - and then ...big surprise to me......I'm not.

I do try to tell him if I feel off or if my brain is eating itself but I won't always share what's going on in there. Sometimes it's just too hard to talk about and sometimes it's protecting him from my nightmares.

 

[Sighs]

@EveHarrington - Instead of constantly requiring supporters to be mind readers maybe try writing notes in your phone about how much we do for you and review them every day.

Sorry - couldn't help the snark this morning after a particularly difficult weekend. Believe it or not, we run out of energy to manage you too.

 

[EveHarrington]

@EveHarrington - Instead of constantly requiring supporters to be mind readers maybe t...

Uhm, I had plenty of notes in my phone in regard to my ex. I recently went through and deleted them, many, many of them.

Ya see, I have memory problems and I was being pro-active in regards to my situation. I wrote things down so that I could remember them.

If you don’t like my advice, feel free to leave it behind. If you don’t want to be proactive and write notes/reminders to yourself in order to possibly help a situation, then that’s your choice. But, it’s worked for me in the past.