How do you deal with problem parts, you know, the ones you want to kill? (ifst)

[EveHarrington]

This is part of IFST. Internal Family Systems Therapy.

I know people have mentioned wanting to kill off certain parts... I tried searching and couldn’t find it! I guess it’s discussion buried in other threads.

My problem part is “fawn” (but she does so much more than just fawning, creating much havoc in my life!) I’d like her to take a long walk off a short pier!

“Fawn” is mostly dormant right now, and I don’t dare bring her to the surface as I’m afraid she’ll cause more damage and craziness in my life. Last time she was front and center I ended up in PHP!

I took a break from parts work in part because of “fawn”, in part because my little one is terrified of being hurt again due to the pseudo therapy parts work my ex pushed on me in an effort to fix me. (f*ck him!...hahaha I guess I can find my anger towards him!!!) My therapist tried to talk to my little one a few weeks ago and I had a total triggered freak out reaction. I explained to her how my ex tried to force parts work on me and she just said she had no idea how much he damaged me.

I’m finally talking to my little one again but she is so scared. I’m feeling like a failure because I, SELF, let down my guard, letting “fawn” take over (unknowingly) and exposing my little one to much pain.

I’m just so lost! I know I need to work on protecting my little one from the behavior of this rogue part. I can’t let my little one get hurt again, not to that extent. Little one is in so much pain. When I talk to her she just cries and cries and cries.

I doubt if I, SELF, will be able to stay in control and protect little one. I don’t know if I’m that strong. I don’t want to deal with “fawn”, I just want her to die...but I know things don’t work that way. I’d kill her if I could.

I don’t dare talk to “fawn” because if she awakens, god only knows what destruction she’ll do this time. I feel like I’m stuck in limbo, can’t talk to fawn, but I know she won’t stay dormant forever so I’ll have to deal with her at some point.

What do you do with those parts you want to kill? The ones you don’t know if you can control or not?

Blahhhhhhhh!

 

[MyWillow]

No answers but some questions.

I wonder if that part of you that creates havoc doesn’t feel safe. I wonder what that part needs to feel safe. Every part has a role to play in survival. Maybe creating havoc makes that part feel in control. I wonder if that part needs acknowledgement.

 

[ILoveLife]

I, SELF, let down my guard

I know I need to work on protecting my little one from the behavior of this rogue part.

I doubt if I, SELF, will be able to stay in control and protect little one

Sorry Eve, this is a protector talking. The self accepts all parts equally and understands their role.

This fawn part is probably a firefighter right?
Ask her, gently, if she would be willing to change behaviors in her protective role.

 

[NightSky]

Remember ALL parts are welcome. BECAUSE all parts are looking out for you in their own way. Therefore I agree with @Sietz that your self isn’t talking or in control if you want to kill a part.
What is fawn’s role?
I’m thinking if you want to kill a part then you’re blended with an inner critic which is a protector.
I think you probably have to figure out who fawn is protecting or what she’s afraid of, to start.

 

[EveHarrington]

Sorry Eve, this is a protector talking. The self accepts all parts equally and understands their role.

T...

Self failed before.

I cannot trust self to stay in control or even promise to keep the little one safe when self already failed miserably. Self was the one who was supposed to step up to the plate and didn’t. Self was blindsided. How can I, self, possibly promise fawn all that she needs? Or how can self protect the little one? This is why I cannot risk awakening fawn right now. She’s so damn destructive and powerful that self cannot control her. Fawn will NOT step down easily. I can get all of my other parts to step down within a day. Fawn won’t step down for months on end. And last time I ended up harming myself and in PHP for three weeks as a result. Hence why I want fawn to just die. It’s not so easy to give her what she wants/needs. I give her all this and she still leaves a path of destruction in her wake. This is why I’m so scared.

I totally get that self is equitable and fair, but self is not perfect. Self can and has failed before.

I don’t know the firefighter role as I’m not that far in part identification. The books I am using approach IFST in a different way. It is self’s job to protect (re-parent) the little one (exiles) and remove this burden from the misguided protectors...the protectors are given new jobs.

 

[EveHarrington]

Remember ALL parts are welcome. BECAUSE all parts are looking out for you in their own way. Therefore...

I have a hard time accepting that self accepts and embraces a part that can get the whole system killed.

No answers but some questions.

I wonder if that part of you that creates havoc doesn’t feel safe....

Thank you, I will think about these questions.

I’m getting upset dealing with this so I’m going to step away and take in everything that everyone has said to me. I do appreciate everyone’s feedback!

I think the first step is making sure my little one feels safe. This may take some time.

 

[MyWillow]

Sounds like a wise decision. A bit of breathing space. This stuff is complicated. And it needs SELF compassion too xxx

 

[ILoveLife]

I totally get that self is equitable and fair, but self is not perfect. Self can and has failed before.

Have you read about managers in IFS?
They help the self manage parts.
Can you identify managers in yourself?

The books I am using approach IFST in a different way. It is self’s job to protect (re-parent) the little one (exiles) and remove this burden from the misguided protectors

Yep, I remember them. Are you doing this with a Ts supervision?