DID DID folks - how do you deal with accidentally saying “we”?

[RainbowSearchParty]

Having trouble because I’m visiting my family, which brings up so, so much.

And there is so much about me that they don’t know: my gender identity, my sexual identity, the fact that I struggle at all with my mental health and have both PTSD and DID.

And I keep accidentally referring to my self in the plural. We do this, we do that, we would like that. I’m trying to stop, but I keep getting tired and slipping and feel like I’m accidentally outing myself. I don’t want to disclose to them: it isn’t safe and it isn’t a good idea. It’s better to stumble through this visit and make it back home to my own country.

How do people deal with this? Any advice for covering one’s tracks when you suddenly announce your plurality by accident?

 

[Charbella]

I don’t have DID but I imagine the less attention you give it the less others will. As in if someone asks say huh, like you don’t understand the question and then say you didn’t know you were doing it. Treat it like it’s not normal for you and I’m guessing your family will too, unless it’s consistent.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

this post isn’t for me but I accidentally do it. Nobody really notices and it is the dialect in some places. I haven’t had someone bring it up. I don’t correct myself, just leave it and carry on, it worked so far.

I think people are more likely to think of the “royal we” than a confirmation of DID.

 

[Sideways]

I think people are more likely to think of the “royal we” than a confirmation of DID.

Yup.

I do it occasionally as an accidental slip because in my mind I’m mid-way through some internal dialogue, and I accidentally drop a ‘we’ because it feels like there’s more people in the conversation than there actually is. People don’t ever pay it any attention.

It helps to ground, and remind myself that “I am here, just me” (which, of course, includes all of us!).

The thing that folks did notice? Was the chaotic switching that went on for a while when my parts were in the early days of learning how to share awareness and still get along. I got pretty dysfunctional there for a while - and no amount of referring to myself in the singular would have made me come across as ‘of sound mind’!

It can help to have an internal conversation in advance - what stressful scenarios can we anticipate at these family gatherings, and how are we going to handle them (and particularly who is going to handle them) - and be realistic with yourself about what your traumatised parts can cope with. Try not to ask more of them than they can give - that’s when things go pear shaped!

Try and forgive yourself in advance for being a bit messier than usual. Because it’s messy, figuring this stuff out - it’s never clean and dry and hazard-free.

You can only ever do the best with what you got. The people that matter will forgive you, and stick around, even if you do have a few messy months here and there.

 

[arfie]

i don't suffer DID, but i accidentally use "the royal we" quite often. that linguistic snot knot is quite pervasive in most every culture on earth. sometimes i use "the royal we" by design. there are times it is appropriate.

i find myself wondering if your more personal use of "we" needs any explanation, whatsoever. if you are ever called on it, blame it on the royal we.

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

Treat it like it’s not normal for you and I’m guessing your family will too, unless it’s consistent.

The problem is definitely consistency: it’s not just a lapse here or there, but a pervasive pattern. Some years ago when I was going to move, I told my family that ”we” were moving, which set off a litany of questions about who I was dating (no one, I’m queer and I’m not out to my family, so there is that whole complication of identity beating even. DID).

It can help to have an internal conversation in advance - what stressful scenarios can we anticipate at these family gatherings, and how are we going to handle them (and particularly who is going to handle them) - and be realistic with yourself about what your traumatised parts can cope with.

Thank you for the reminder. I do. But what I’m struggling with is the fact that this extended visit (extended for me) and I’m staying with my family, so I don’t really have enough time alone to do that sort of grounding work. I've been trying to take time for us, but it’s hard to get away and when I’m tired after twelve plus hours of fronting, things start to get messy.

 

[Sideways]

I don’t really have enough time alone to do that sort of grounding work.

With DID on board, building in grounding activities to your day can be a life saver. So that it’s not something you need to ‘make time’ for, so much as something that you just do at intervals as part of your regular day:)

 

[RainbowSearchParty]

So that it’s not something you need to ‘make time’ for, so much as something that you just do at intervals as part of your regular day:)

Yes, I agree — but we aren’t very integrated, and there are still so many issues with communication, and I’m just struggling.

Normal days at home are easier. But our family is chaotic (so much drama today, arguing, and even people getting physically hurt). So this is just more overwhelming than usual.

 

[Starfire]

Having trouble because I’m visiting my family, which brings up so, so much.

And there is so much about me that they don’t know: my gender identity, my sexual identity, the fact that I struggle at all with my mental health and have both PTSD and DID.

And I keep accidentally referring to my self in the plural. We do this, we do that, we would like that. I’m trying to stop, but I keep getting tired and slipping and feel like I’m accidentally outing myself. I don’t want to disclose to them: it isn’t safe and it isn’t a good idea. It’s better to stumble through this visit and make it back home to my own country.

How do people deal with this? Any advice for covering one’s tracks when you suddenly announce your plurality by accident?

Well, have a dog. Say I talk everything (or that) over with my dog and we agree! Or somethings say it's the royal we. There is always the me, myself and I excuse. All done with a laugh. Personally find it rude to point it out. So have been known to make an unpleasant face and say 'did you understand (hear) my point? In one of our moods, feel that comment bestows on us the right to point out every mistake in conversation or unclear point they make.

 

[voidmode]

Just jive with it! Doubtful anyone would bat an eye or take a second glance at you unless you make it awkward for yourself. Hardly anyone listens to conversation with intent anyways.

 

[Starfire]

Of course it's the royal we!
Or if my pet is around, I laughingly say we talk everything over. But most people don't notice conversational details like that or in these times, they don't mention it. You can also develop a look that says "what are you talking about? "

 

[whiteraven]

There is always the me, myself and I excuse.

This is totally me! I have DID, and the times I've slipped into "we" I've either just abruptly changed it to "I" or I've made a joke--"you know, me, myself, and I" winkwink. LOL