Gs172003
Diamond Member
What do I do about it??
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My husband is codependent and it's driving me crazy
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What are the parts that affect you the most?
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Gs172003
Diamond Member
I guess I'm finally starting to notice that there is no "he". I don't know how to explain it. He doesn't do anything on his own and I make all the decisions. It's exhausting.
Everything he does he does for me but it's not because he wants to it's because he feels obligated .does that make sense?
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dubliner38
New Here
well such for codependent so I can find out if I have it or what the deal is and I find dis. so I do things like go for walks because I love you and I know it means a lot to you. i pick were we go at weekends most times hearing how it aint right to noise to hilly to flat but ha pick up my boots and try agine the next day
dubliner38
New Here
sorry it should say search not such
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Gs172003
Diamond Member
I'm not sure what my problem is really. I came home today and I immediately wanted to leave. I finally wrote a post about it when I couldn't take it anymore.
I don't know if it's him or me.
Friday
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Just trying to break it down / get a feel for it. It’s like if someone said “My husband has PTSD and is driving me nuts, what do I do about it?” ...it says there’s a problem, but not what the problem is; and without knowing what the problem is, there’s really no way to know what to do about it, right? Individuals vary a whole lot, partners & partnerships vary a whole lot. What drives one person crazy is something another person actually digs or isn’t bothered by, and what works in one partnership doesn’t mean it will work in another partnership.
The way I operate
- Nothing to be done // It’s just who they are. Asking them to change or to try and negotiate stuff is as effective as asking them to be a foot shorter. It’s not something they can change, or not something they want to change (for a lot of different reasons). What I can do about it, in those kinds of situations, is 100% on me. <<< This often becomes a joint thing, because my solutions to help me out will be affecting them >>>. So it starts off with my identifying my problems, coming up with a series of solutions, then their identifying problems with my solutions, and the both of us working together to find which solutions are the win/win, I’m happy & they’re happy.
- Thrash it out. This is the joint thing off the bat, where I’m bringing them my problems and we both strategize to find solutions we can both do, and any problems with our solutions. Again, going for the win/win. Because to my way of thinking, as long as EITHER of us is unhappy, we haven’t actually solved any problems, we’ve just got different problems. Sometimes that’s an improvement, having better problems than we started with, but stopping there is half assed IMO.
First step with both of those? Really is identifying what the problems are, and what side of the street they’re on.
As an example
So what’re YOUR problems with it >>> What do YOU want? >>> The answer won’t be “for him to go do stuff on his own”. It will be what you think you’d be doing if he were off on his own. Whether that’s alone time, or not having to go grocery shopping... that suddenly gives you a whole helluva lot of options & solutions.
These ones, meanwhile, are already laid out on the right side of the street, so you break them down from there.
ALL the decisions is probably very inaccurate... (cognitive distortion, all or nothing) ... and of the decisions you do make, there are probably a lot you love, like, or aren’t bothered by / don’t even really see as decisions because they’re “easy” or desired. So set those aside for the moment, and make a list of the top types of decisions you don’t like making, or are exhausted by, or overwhelmed by, or just flat out hate. Then a list of the types of decisions you only like making in certain situations. Sometimes you like making them, other times you’re :banghead: Nooooooooooo. Those 2 lists are where you can start getting some compromise going. Some of the decisions you hate? He’ll love. Others, you’ll both hate. Those ones have a lot of different solutions (trading off, hiring someone, altering the need to make them, etc.).
Just sorting out the descion stuff even a fraction will help the exhaustion, but the exhaustion is another problem in and of itself. Whether it’s your stress cup / PTSD stuff, or life stuff... when someone is exhausted there is a great big giant huge list of things that can be done to help mitigate that. Decisions being LESS exhausting, when you have more reserves to draw on, ya know? So making decisions being exhausting you can come af from 2 different directions at the same time.
There’s a lot more, obviously, but it all really starts with identifying what you want.
:facepalm: I almost forgot.
7 appears to be the magic number tonight :P
7 Habits of Highly Successful People by Stephen Covey... has brilliant breakdowns of win/win compromises, (Marriage, friends, work, it’s just a damn useful skill) where you both get what you want, and a step by step process in getting there.
7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman... has an equally phenom way of breaking down problems & priorities into categories that are useful.
The way I operate
- Nothing to be done // It’s just who they are. Asking them to change or to try and negotiate stuff is as effective as asking them to be a foot shorter. It’s not something they can change, or not something they want to change (for a lot of different reasons). What I can do about it, in those kinds of situations, is 100% on me. <<< This often becomes a joint thing, because my solutions to help me out will be affecting them >>>. So it starts off with my identifying my problems, coming up with a series of solutions, then their identifying problems with my solutions, and the both of us working together to find which solutions are the win/win, I’m happy & they’re happy.
- Thrash it out. This is the joint thing off the bat, where I’m bringing them my problems and we both strategize to find solutions we can both do, and any problems with our solutions. Again, going for the win/win. Because to my way of thinking, as long as EITHER of us is unhappy, we haven’t actually solved any problems, we’ve just got different problems. Sometimes that’s an improvement, having better problems than we started with, but stopping there is half assed IMO.
First step with both of those? Really is identifying what the problems are, and what side of the street they’re on.
As an example
Isn’t his problem, unless he thinks it is, and wants to be doing stuff on his own. Trying to force a solution where there isn’t a problem? Usually doesn’t work.
So what’re YOUR problems with it >>> What do YOU want? >>> The answer won’t be “for him to go do stuff on his own”. It will be what you think you’d be doing if he were off on his own. Whether that’s alone time, or not having to go grocery shopping... that suddenly gives you a whole helluva lot of options & solutions.
These ones, meanwhile, are already laid out on the right side of the street, so you break them down from there.
ALL the decisions is probably very inaccurate... (cognitive distortion, all or nothing) ... and of the decisions you do make, there are probably a lot you love, like, or aren’t bothered by / don’t even really see as decisions because they’re “easy” or desired. So set those aside for the moment, and make a list of the top types of decisions you don’t like making, or are exhausted by, or overwhelmed by, or just flat out hate. Then a list of the types of decisions you only like making in certain situations. Sometimes you like making them, other times you’re :banghead: Nooooooooooo. Those 2 lists are where you can start getting some compromise going. Some of the decisions you hate? He’ll love. Others, you’ll both hate. Those ones have a lot of different solutions (trading off, hiring someone, altering the need to make them, etc.).
Just sorting out the descion stuff even a fraction will help the exhaustion, but the exhaustion is another problem in and of itself. Whether it’s your stress cup / PTSD stuff, or life stuff... when someone is exhausted there is a great big giant huge list of things that can be done to help mitigate that. Decisions being LESS exhausting, when you have more reserves to draw on, ya know? So making decisions being exhausting you can come af from 2 different directions at the same time.
There’s a lot more, obviously, but it all really starts with identifying what you want.
:facepalm: I almost forgot.
7 appears to be the magic number tonight :P
7 Habits of Highly Successful People by Stephen Covey... has brilliant breakdowns of win/win compromises, (Marriage, friends, work, it’s just a damn useful skill) where you both get what you want, and a step by step process in getting there.
7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman... has an equally phenom way of breaking down problems & priorities into categories that are useful.
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barefoot
Diamond Member
@dubliner38 - are you @Zoogal ’s husband?!
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Gs172003
Diamond Member
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