Need some advice about attempt

[DaneLover]

Hi all,
I don't post much, but follow a lot of the post here. I have been with my T for almost 8 years now and have a feeling I know what the end result will be, but wanted your opinions. I have been going through a rough 4-5 months when my dream job was yanked out from underneath me (I was literally halfway to the state I was moving to for it and the boss told me not to come). Anyway, I have been suffering with PTSD, anxiety, depression, SI, ect. for many years and have needed hospitalizations on several occasions when the SI was particularly severe. I have never harmed myself, it was more of my mind going too fast and never being able to sleep, etc.
Well, things took a rather drastic turn at work on Thursday and without any prior planning, thoughts, or emotions attached to it, I ended up taking close to 40-50 blood pressure medications I had access to. The scary thing about it is after taking them I just went right back to work as if nothing was different. I wasn't nervous, scared, mad, sad, happy, I felt nothing.
I ended up emailing my T on Friday evening asking if I could get an earlier appt as it was rather important and I see them tomorrow. Since this is the first time I have ever done this, and I'm assuming it will certainly be considered an attempted suicide, do you think I will be referred for hospitalization? I'm not going to be surprised if I am. I am actually extremely surprised that I did what I did without hesitation or any thought or emotion attached to it...I simply didn't care if if ended badly or if nothing happened at all.
Thank you all so much!

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @DaneLover , well I think you should tell your T. Or rather telling your T, is a sign of better health.

How do you feel about it now?

This may not be helpful as I relate to parts of your post, (but not to 'parts'), but your particular instance may be different. Idk if you experience dissociation and such. For me personally I think it was guilt/ feeling I didn't deserve it.

and without any prior planning, thoughts, or emotions attached to it

I had this ^^^ twice: once after a breakthrough of guilt-reduction/ was told not to blame; I didn't anticipate or want it at all but it seemed my memory 'went'. I did not tell anyone but I considered it sub-conscious self-sabotage and a learning experience that 'progress' has to be ~supervised/ be cautious? (I'm sorry, can't think of the word). I liken it, too, in a wee way, to the danger of drinking when someone has quit, + euphoria. Seems contradictory. But mostly, for me, self-sabotage, not knowing how to live with that new 'reality'.

The other time I did have intent but had not done it yet but felt nothing, as you described. Which I think is numbness. I believe the feelings are there underground, but I couldn't sense them. Then some words made a dint that tapped in to the emotions and then something odd- a bird or rock or something I saw? Oye, can't recall but it opened a mini-floodgate. And my memory (before) was affected, too: I couldn't feel because I couldn't remember much (I think now). So things like pictures of people, etc, might help?

Hope you are feeling better. I wish you strength, clarity and peace. It's a steep learning curve. :hug:

 

[DaneLover]

Thank you, JuneBug. I understood what you were trying to say :) I appreciate your encouragement! I am mostly shocked at my loss of impulse control.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes many times I don't see something coming, or on occassion blind-sided. I think for me it's affected by a lifetime of minimizing that things are having an impact on me.

In fact, I just asked someone if it was ok to wait for something, because the option was I worked a destabalizing shift. (I did work extras but that one is bad- SA). They said sure, so I was relieved but still have to fight guilt and denial that I should just 'get over it'/ ignore it/ not be bothered, for a bigger reason (someone else). Because I'm not accustomed to self care, more so survival. And I am bioth frustrated by, and don't like to admit I'm 'different'. Or perhaps I'm not all-different, but I can't protect myself the way the average-Joe/ Jane does. Or recover as quickly. Or remember my limitations- definitely not want to honor them, nor admit when things are as devastating or de-stabalizing as they are for me.

 

[DaneLover]

Definitely! I've always been told that one of my strongest qualities with the PTSD and ability to stay out of the hospital on many occasions was because I was not an impulsive person...unfortunately I have now acted (quite severely) on impulse and I feel really guilty about it. I know exactly what you mean about work and such as well...I always feel bad saying no or not staying late, etc, etc.

I'm not going to be upset if my T believes I should go inpatient tomorrow, because it's been a long 4 months where I basically had to come back to my home state and literally start from square one, it's my actions that are the most concerning to me, and the higher rate of suicide following attempts. I haven't gone back to work since the situation occurred because I don't find it safe for me to be there at this time.

 

[EveHarrington]

You may be referred for partial hospitalization given that the attempt was a few days ago. This is what happened to me last fall.

 

[Tinyflame]

@DaneLover , just came back to say, I recall also something surreal-ish like that where quite matter of factly (no emotion) I just decided what I would do, if the last I had to try didn't help. I accidentally (very accidentally) stumbled upon a book called off the top of my head 'How I Stayed Alive While My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me'. Which covered quite a bit of ground, not only on emotional regulation (beginning with recognition), but non-painful (as I recall) exercises, and viewpoints from all different people, affected or peripheral, (re: suicide), and making a crisis plan. Much was helpful and some kind of not.

it's my actions that are the most concerning to me, and the higher rate of suicide following attempts.

I agree the impulsivity and non-awareness are disconcerting, particularly if you can't guage it then how can you take steps to prevent it? JMHO though, but the higher rate following attempts I (only personally) see as relating back to any or all of the following: a) being disappointed in 'failing' and trying to get it right; b) having such fall-out you feel worse, c) having nothing resolved or addressed since the first time; d) stepping out of 'thought' in to action- past that barrier of fear; +/or e) it becoming a mentally and physically equal option to every other imaginable option. Which you haven't expressed as your wilfull intention.

I haven't gone back to work since the situation occurred because I don't find it safe for me to be there at this time.

I think you should follow your gut on that.

Maybe you can trace back a particular trigger ( -> 'things took a rather drastic turn at work on Thursday '..) , or find a way to admit the last 4 months has just been too overwhelming (for now), and take whatever steps to overcome that. Good luck tomorrow. :hug:

 

[Hollandi]

Hi all,
I don't post much, but follow a lot of the post here. I have been with my T for almost 8 yea...

Most sorry to learn that you've reached suicidal thoughts, though I should mention that blood pressure tablets aren't a reasonable route.

Of course, nothing I write is going to dissuade you but I do have to believe that 'attention' rather than suicide was on your mind. Danelover, I do tend to believe that those truly intended upon suicide will turn up dead somewhere and therefore unlikely to be at work the following day.

However, I do have a small point to make. You refer to your therapist as 'T' (several times), while you're quite happy to spell out the word 'hospitalization'. To me this tends me to believe that you're either diminishing or less than happy to have a 'mental health' diagnosis. Certainly 8 years of 'T' is a long time, while, even more certainly, some pretend suicide with blood pressure tablets is just plain silly.

Please don't fight PTSD in this manner.

 

[digger]

You refer to your therapist as 'T' (several times),

'T' is very commonly used shorthand on this site for Therapist/Therapy. You will see a lot of members using it.

 

[digger]

@DaneLover I hope your appointment with your T went okay.

 

[Hollandi]

'T' is very commonly used shorthand on this site for Therapist/Therapy. You will see a lot of members us...

And..?

 

[digger]

And..?

And...I'm simply pointing out that it's most likely not a sign of this...

To me this tends me to believe that you're either diminishing or less than happy to have a 'mental health' diagnosis.

It's just very common practice to use the shorthand form here, something you may not have been aware of as a new member.