Dom Violence Why am i so terrified to leave?

[Happyplace76]

I reread my post and it’s every bit as f*cked up as I think it is.. worse even if I pretend I’m re...

I reread my post and it’s every bit as f*cked up as I think it is.. worse even if I pretend I’m reading it about someone else.
It’s serious about the shaking, racing heart, etc.. ever since his most recent violent episodes a few months ago in which he actually hurt me threatened to kill me I get shaky and heart racing even when his voice starts escalating and now it even happens on the phone I can’t control it.

Yes - couldn't sleep next to him for a week before I left. Heart would pound constantly. When I first went to trauma spec. at DV and was so embarrassed for ignoring (maybe unconsciously) the warning signs I felt stupid. DO NOT fall into this trap of thinking - most survivors feel this way - honestly!

I left the house this morning when we got in that fight, all my stuff in my car from before still, so I’ve been driving around town, I have a client tonight and an early morning class that I teach that I kind of want to stay for but also considering leaving town this evening just to put some distance. But that means I’ll have to call and officially quit my job.

AWESOME! Please consider going to the police station to file a protection order and to tell them of abuse and his threat to kill you today. That way there is a trail, he's on their radar. Your local DV advocate can assist in all of this, even relocations. I'd talk to them before quitting your job. Just an idea.

I feel like such an idiot that this isn’t easier for me to walk away from. As much hatred in my heart as I feel towards him what would possess me to think that anything I could do will change him. It won’t I already know it so I guess that solves that’s haha

Don't feel like an idiot please - there's trauma bonding and a whole bunch of other stuff - you've essentially been brainwashed and gaslighted for a long time. I felt like one too.

I am so glad that you were able to leave, you will be in my prayers, and I wish you safety and strength to do this. You CAN!! You should give yourself a giant pat on the back. That's brave. Not idiocracy.

 

[littleoc]

You can do this!

 

[Juso]

I agree, you can do this!!! We are all here for you. We are not going anywhere. And its good to know your dad is supportive! I am sure he will help you. I understand that you are very scared right now, but this fear won't leave if you won't leave. I'm thinking of you :hug:

 

[blackemerald1]

what I want to do is leave, get on that plane and never come back. But I m scared.

So @SameBoat - fear can immobilise or freeze a person but it can also motivate and mobilise. So that is why a plan is so important. When fear starts to freeze you, follow your plan. One thing after another and it will keep you moving.

my dad is closer than ever.

You need your Dad right now and he needs you. He is obviously someone you respect and he is within your country right now. Go to him. Let him help you.

everything inside me is screaming to get out and not be here.. and yet here I am still

You need to trust you instincts. As I said in a previous post it is common for DV sufferers to return and it is then extremely dangerous.

try to attach to your father as 'safe'. Freezing is a typical trauma thing and I feel like if you are able to move out of it by heading to your father (safe), then the fallout - trauma wise after all of this will be much easier for you.

Yes this ^^^^ Go to your father.

feel is blocking you from leaving? Maybe if we toss that around in this posting

There are many reasons why DV sufferers feel blocked. @shimmerz is spot on ^^ It is not easy there is a lot to consider and understand.

oh you mean the grandma you barely know?

This is an isolating statement and I'd bet he can pull out others to distance you from family etc. It matters not at all if you haven't seen your grandma regularly. She is your grandma and you should be able to go and be with her in her last hours if you so wish. This partner of yours should be supporting you to do this. If you were in a healthy relationship...and he was not who he was...he would not mind you going to be with your Dad during this sad time.

But that means I’ll have to call and officially quit my job.

I think you are going to have to quit your job and move on anyway.

I feel like such an idiot that this isn’t easier for me to walk away from.

Nothing in relationships is easy once they start to go wrong. You are not an idiot, please do not put yourself down. It is hard to walk away from a situation you are familiar with even though you are feeling unsafe and want to leave. The unknown is a very strange place to embrace. But it also has some great possibilities if you do not confine yourself in this relationship.

this fear won't leave if you won't leave.

Never a truer word spoken^^ You need to get out and get to your Dad. Jobs can be replaced. Things can be replaced. Your safety is absolutely critical. You cannot be replaced.

 

[SameBoat]

Well I’m on the plane to California.. he and my work think I’m coming back Monday. Not sure what I’m going to do about that but I figured get down there first. I only bought a one way ticket I’m feeling like it’s a mistake but he kept making comments about me moving to California so I keep telling myself that he knows it’s an option and could possibly happen. I just feel like such a horrible person to call and say sorry I’m not coming back.. but I also don’t want to live my life like that. I keep telling myself I could easily get stuck in another 10 years like this and still nothing would change. I wish I could just fast forward a few months and skip the confrontation. Maybe that’s my problem I can’t stand confrontation

 

[blackemerald1]

on the plane to California..

Well done.

I only bought a one way ticket

Very well done.

I’m not coming back.. but I also don’t want to live my life like that.

I'd suggest forget the sorry bit or even the call to him. Just don't go back. Write him a letter. A short one.

another 10 years like this and still nothing would change.

Yes and you would then be casting your mind back to this time and thinking I could have left... If you were lucky enough to survive his escalating anger and outbursts.

skip the confrontation. Maybe that’s my problem

No it's not a problem to want to skip the confrontation end of an abusive relationship. It is smart to avoid it. I think you are feeling sorry for him. I don't. He is the one that you would have had the confrontation with and he would have wanted to win. How would he have won? By shouting you down or worse? So why go there? It's smart to avoid angry ppl. I think.

This isn't a normal relationship break up. They can be bad and sad too. But this is quite different isn't it? This is you ending a cycle of abuse in a relationship by leaving? Big difference if it is. It's more about survival than anything. You need to survive right now. Going to California is a good step towards you surviving this relationship.

With your boss. Email him and apologise for the sudden cessation of employment.

Next step is what are you doing next. I am guessing meeting your father and seeing your grandmother. It would be good to sit down with your father and tell him what is going on. What is really going on. It is okay to get help from your father you know. I have been in positions as an adult where I asked my father for help and was told, "Not my problem'. That wasn't very helpful let me assure you. But you have your father and have described him in previous posts as a good father. So ask him for some assistance. Advice coming from a good and decent father is gold. Take it. Make plans that ensure your survival.

Let us know how you get along. :hug:

 

[Happyplace76]

Well I’m on the plane to California.. he and my work think I’m coming back Monday. Not sure what I...

I'm going to echo WELL DONE! You're doing it and you made it out alive. Next step is find a therapist and local DV agency where you're moving to. They have a TON of resources, and can help you get out of the rut of feeling guilty. I did too - I had left with a baby with the non sociopathic abuser, and the socio/psychopath was not a health man physically. Sometimes you just have to survive... and this is one of those times. So proud of you!

 

[littleoc]

I'm going to echo WELL DONE!

Me, too. You did it! It's so difficult to even fathom it, but you did it!

 

[mumstheword]

So proud of you! That could be one of the hardest thing you've ever done. You are very brave and smart for getting out.
You deserve better! Give the love and care to yourself and people who are kind and respectful back to you. You will get through this hardest bit, that you are going through right now. It will get easier! Just make sure you get some good support and work through the issues, that hurt you, as they arise.
Enjoy your freedom and just remember, you are lovable! You deserve the chance to meet somebody who's kind, honest and reciprocal, so give that to yourself! Much love and respect to you.

 

[Friday]

I just feel like such a horrible person to call and say sorry I’m not coming back..

In normal relationships good people break up all the time. People even divorce, which is a much more serious commitment & more complicated leaving. Hundreds of millions of people break up and divorce, and it says nothing about them, only that the relationship is over.

Only in abusive relationships is someone somehow a “terrible” person for breaking up, or not “allowed” to break up. That’s part of what makes them abusive.

You’re not a good person for staying, or a bad person for leaving. He’s not a child. You can’t abandon him. You’re not a child who needs his permission. You’re not his property, he doesn’t own you. You have the freedom to come and go as you please, and the right to make your own decisions without his agreement, especially about leaving. In any relationship, if you don’t want to be in it, anymore, it’s over. Done. Finis. You can break up with anyone, at any time, for any reason. They don’t have to be a bad person to leave them, and you aren’t a bad person for leaving.

 

[shimmerz]

Only in abusive relationships is someone somehow a “terrible” person for breaking up, or not “allowed” to break up. That’s part of what makes them abusive.

Very well said. I quoted this part but quite honestly the whole post puts things insofar as an abusive relationship into words that are next to impossible to grasp when in this type of dynamic.

 

[Whirlwind]

I keep telling myself I could easily get stuck in another 10 years like this and still nothing would change.

Been there. Done just that. Absolutely nothing changed other than him getting meaner and more controlling. I look back and ALL of my efforts trying to make thing better fell flat. Its a reality in these relationships. They are not normal.

Maybe that’s my problem I can’t stand confrontation

Maybe but confrontation with them is not the same, its a circular non-sense conversation that is imbued with aggression and hostility. Heck avoiding confrontation with these guys is in our best interest! I have always been direct and honest in my personal relationships, a quality many commented on in my old life...with him I didn't "communicate properly" I wasn't "clear" its endless and a game. Its not communication.

Not sure what I’m going to do about that but I figured get down there first.

Yup! You can figure the details later, what is important is to get out. I don't recall the details of your job but fleeing a DV situation may be understood by your employer.

I'm thrilled to know you are free and taking the first steps in your life. All the very very best, its going to work out better than you can imagine!! And you'll be back here sharing your successes in life with us :-)

Best, Whirlwind