General Self care - or not...

[Sighs]

I know that I am suffering from carer's fatigue. I'm exhausted - physically, mentally and emotionally. I am on antidepressants and seeing a therapist.

Every single time I try and practice some self care my vet sabotages it. I'm not allowed to be on Facebook - he doesn't approve of it. I just tried Instagram, but when he found out he accused me of using it to "put out feelers" to meet another man. So I deleted that. I've lost contact with family and friends because of my relationship with him. He resents my having coffee with the one female friend I have. He seems to think I should get all the social interaction I need at work - like my work is my "me time".

I tried yoga but he complained that it meant I was home too late at night. I did kickboxing but he would ring me in the middle of the class and one day reduced me to tears so I was too embarrassed to go back after that. I wanted to go swimming at the local pool but he said that I couldn't go early in the mornings as that would wake him up.

I got a puppy and he made me return it to the breeders. I got it back but he is still resentful of it and makes me put it on a chain so it doesn't get in the way while we do other things.

I wanted to get a horse that was suitable for me to ride as the ones we have are not really right for me. He says we can't afford to feed another two horses and as he has time to ride he will get another one not me.

I want to go to our nearest city with some girlfriends to see a jewellery exhibition that he is not interested in but he says that we are too busy at home on the weekends for me to do that.

I feel like he has systematically sucked all of the joy out of my life and because he is miserable he wants me to be miserable too. I'm angry and resentful and not a very nice person to be around. I'm comfort eating and have put on weight. He told me I look like a bull arab dog - all heavy in the neck and shoulders. And he wonders why I don't feel like having sex?!

And if I say anything to him he says all I ever do is complain about what an arsehole he is. I really don't know how much longer I can do this.

 

[Abstract]

I'm really sorry to say it but that sounds controlling and verging on emotionally abusive to me. Long term isolating you. Cutting off your support and social system. Being possessive and jealous. Undermining you with his words and actions. Maybe he should be less of an arshole and then you don't have to say it. Better yet maybe you should leave.

 

[Esterio]

Sounds to me like a toxic life. You should not have to put up with that you have nothing you like in your life he won't allow it. Doesn't sound like a relationship at all to me. sounds more like you are a prisoner at home.

Bye be safe

 

[Sweetpea76]

Maybe this is why I'm divorced... but f*ck him in the ear. He's not your father. Go to the jewelry show. You don't need his permission to go. I'd take the puppy to a kennel that weekend though, just to be safe.

 

[EveHarrington]

He sounds abusive.

I’d get out.

This is waaaay beyond ptsd.

 

[Sighs]

This is waaaay beyond ptsd.

Yeah. I do think there are other things going on here.

I feel like Cinderella. I'm expected to work full time and pay for half of everything AND be a 1950s housewife AND be a garden labourer AND fetch and carry etc. And what do I get back? Grunts, dirty looks, being called names and sworn at and my personal favourite - being told frequently that I'm lazy and that I always shirk hard work. Oh - and every once in a while the most charming, loving attention - just enough to suck me back in before we go right back to the shitfight. Its a classic domestic violence cycle but I can't seem to break free from it. Sigh!

 

[Teasel]

He sounds horrid and ever so bad for your health. I really hope you decide to go to the jewellery exhibition with your girlfriends :)
f*ck him, tosser.

 

[EveHarrington]

Yeah, you deserve soooooo much better!

:hug:

 

[Sweetleaf]

I'm not allowed to be on Facebook - he doesn't approve of it.

red flag

I just tried Instagram, but when he found out he accused me of using it to "put out feelers" to meet another man. So I deleted that.

red flag

I've lost contact with family and friends because of my relationship with him.

red flag

He resents my having coffee with the one female friend I have.

red flag

I could keep going like sentence-by-sentence and saying "red flag" over and over again - but I can tell you right now, it's not PTSD, it's him being a f*cking asshole.

It's abusive.

Get the f*ck out. Before it gets worse.

Its a classic domestic violence cycle but I can't seem to break free from it.

Part of that domestic violence cycle is the whole "it getting worse" part - he's already expanded his territory into your life a pretty decent amount - he already has a pretty decent amount of control over you - do you -really- want to risk it getting worse? Because it probably will.

I know how hard it is to leave someone - even if they're bad to you, even if they're abusive, even if they are -breaking your motherf*cking bones- it can be hard to leave them, hard to see the truth, hard to listen to other people's words telling you to get the f*ck out of that bullshit situation you're in. But, all we can do is try. People tried telling me that, I should leave him because he was breaking my bones - and yet I still stayed, got more broken bones, had horrible things happen, got tortured, and now I have PTSD.

You really shouldn't deal with someone who is like that. PTSD has literally f*ckin' nothing to do with his behavior. It is something else going on - and you need to distance yourself from that. Because it's abusive, and it's probably just going to expand and get much worse.

Bail out!!!

 

[Justmehere]

Every single time I try and practice some self care my vet sabotages it.

It's not ok. Totally not ok. This is really controlling, selfish, jealous, narcissistic, and abusive behavior.

He told me I look like a bull arab dog - all heavy in the neck and shoulders. And he wonders why I don't feel like having sex?!

WTF even?! What an a**hole statement.

And if I say anything to him he says all I ever do is complain about what an arsehole he is. I really don't know how much longer I can do this.

I don't think you should do this any longer. It's not good for either of you.

Why do you choose to stay? What is the hesitancy in leaving?

Right now, he gets "rewarded" for his controlling behavior when you quit doing the thing he doesn't want you to do. (His behavior isn't your fault at all. 100% on him.) You don't have to talk about him and what an ass he is being - probably won't make a damn bit of difference - although frankly, I'd probably give him an earful about this behavior... But if you stay with him, it would probably be more effective to make your boundaries and limits clear, and what you will do if he continues to cross them. Go swim, go to the jewelry store, etc. If he gives you hell, I'd even consider staying with a friend for a night. (Is this an option?) Perhaps go to kickboxing and make it clear he is not to call you there or his number will be blocked while you are there.

You deserve "me time." You deserve time that is not all centered around him. It's healthy for BOTH of you for you to be able to do things outside of him and a life centered on him. That's not healthy for EITHER of you.

If you stay, you have got to claim your space. Doesn't matter if he likes it or approves. f*ck that sh*t.

All the things you want to do, and keep trying to do, are wonderful things. I really hope you find a way to do them. And soon. :hug:

 

[Sighs]

Why do you choose to stay? What is the hesitancy in leaving?

So, this is what I am working on with my therapist. Codependency? Trauma bonding? Repeating my childhood patterns? I don't know! Every time I think I've made up my mind to leave, I miss him and worry about him and go back. Like an idiot.

We have no children together and I have my own car, my own job and my own bank accounts. I'm a lot less trapped in a logistical sense than so many DV sufferers. So why oh why can't I seem to leave this man?

 

[Justmehere]

I miss him and worry about him and go back. Like an idiot.

Nah, you are not an idiot. Just human. It's hard to walk away from healthy relationships, and much harder walking away from the abusive ones - I've been in the DV cycle, in a different way. It's maddeningly hard to walk away.

The more isolated you get, the harder it will be to walk away. That's part of why he's isolating you from others. If you can't yet quit him, keep those connections to those other relationships. Don't quit those. Keep fighting for you. You deserve better. And if you can't do it for you... do it because it's GOOD for him for you to not get isolated.