Relationship Isolation

[JM318]

I’ve been at my friends house since Tuesday night. I want to go home tomorrow. I want to give him a heads up to let him know I’m coming home. What do I say in the text to not make him overwhelmed bc I have no idea where he’s at during isolation.

 

[JM318]

Sorry for posting so much. I’d like to go home now but I’m not sure where he is at during this isolation period. I’ve been staying at a friends house since Tuesday night to give him space (voluntarily). He has not reached out. How can I word a text to let him know I would like to come home now without overwhelming him? If he needs more alone time, that’s fine but it’s not fair to me to have to put my life on hold. He may not be ready to talk.... advice please

 

[Ronin]

Can you say that?

The: I want to go home, we do not have to talk.
Just that you want him to be there, around, even if not really there, and it does not mean he has to break his isolating?

 

[Justmehere]

I have tried to set boundaries before I left, and told him to send me a text every few days to let me know he’s alright, he said “that’s stupid”... he’s very stubborn. I

That’s not a boundary but a request. He clearly declined your request. (Argh.)

Boundaries are not about changing or controlling others. They are about controlling ourselves and our own lives.

I’d let him know you are going to be home starting whenever you plan to go home. A simple, “Hi, I wanted to give you a heads up that I need to come home. I’ll be there again starting xyz time.”

Don’t make it any more complicated than that. You don’t need to get into a long defensive explanation or try to guess his needs (you’ll probably be wrong anyhow.) It’s up to him to communicate his needs and limits.

If he protests, you can suggest, “If you still need to take space, then there are other ways for you to take space. I need to stay at home.”

Because there are other ways for him to take space and it is up to him. Use “I” statements as much as possible and keep it as simple as possible.

 

[JM318]

Okay, so here’s the complicated part. He does not recognize that his PTSD has flared up (or maybe he does?) His overwhelming feelings right now, he has placed blame on our relationship as being the issue. I admit we have normal relationship issues that need to be worked out, but nothing worth breaking up over (in my eyes) he doesn’t like “PTSD thrown in his face” and says he doesn’t have PTSD (he was diagnosed a few years ago.) He wanted me to “consider moving out” but I told him I can’t keep with the back and forth and we should work things out rather than avoiding them by breaking up. So I have him space and left Tuesday.

 

[EveHarrington]

If he won’t recognize it and you can’t bring it up, then sadly I don’t think things will improve. I don’t advise anyone to stay in a relationship with a sufferer who refuses to work on their symptomatic ptsd. It’s just not fair. Not that life is fair....I guess I mean that it’s selfish beyond the normal selfish of our disorder.

 

[Ronin]

Isolation does not have to mean it is a break up though?

IMHO isolating is about needs, and own needs.
Break up is about the relationship itself.
So it is isolating or a badly communicated break up, but not both.

You are still IN a relationship if he is just isolating.
And if they are normal relationship issues, maybe they can wait for later, and do not need solving right now?

 

[AlmostThere]

Sorry for posting so much. I’d like to go home now but I’m not sure where he is at during this isolat...

Oh, I'd love to go home. Home to it being just me. Home to a place that's quiet and clean. No demands. No pressure. Where I could be alone with my hopes and hobbies, and just look out the window. I didn't have to go out. I didn't want to go out. Home … like it was before him. I still had my issues of not going out, not being around people, the suicidal loop, flashbacks, headaches, the whole deal … but at least I had a hideaway at home, where the rest of the world couldn't get in. This past February, I said 365 days of giving it all I can. And if it doesn't get better … take 1 suitcase, my laptop, and my school books, and go.... Just go. Send him the divorce papers and find my peace again. Then maybe joy will follow... Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. At least I can find a new place that can be home.

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you the one who has the nursing test on Monday? Going back home could mean a major blowup. Can you go back after your test? I’d hate for you to fail because of this mess!

 

[JM318]

Are you the one who has the nursing test on Monday? Going back home could mean a major blowup. Ca...

Yes, so I should reach out Monday after my test? I just noticed he re-activated his Facebook but unfriended me. He did it last week to sell something on the site, and then had a post saying he was “signing off” meaning he deactivated it again. Is it possible he reactivated it to see what I was up to? Facebook doesn’t let you deactive so many times in a short span... and forces you to wait 48 hours or so to deactivate again. But why would he unfriend me? I’m thinking too much....

 

[JM318]

Isolation does not have to mean it is a break up though?

IMHO isolating is about needs, and own needs.
B...

I don’t understand it either.. when he isolates he breaks up with me..... he blames how he’s feeling on the relationship

 

[EveHarrington]

To me, if you’re in, you’re in, if you’re out, you’re out.

I’ve never had a partner who would have tolerated me breaking up with them constantly. That was the line.