Relationship Isolation

[OrangeJulius]

Not sure what you said when you left....in the future I would say that I am coming back on whatever day unless you want me to come back sooner.

Your life should absolutely not be on hold.

But I think a text telling him what you're doing would be fine. Straight to the point and showing no expectations. "I will be coming back home at 5 pm. I don't expect you to interact with me. I will sleep in the spare bedroom." Or whatever you decide to do.

 

[JM318]

Yes I kept the text generic and just said “I’m coming home, just giving you a quick heads up”, he left to avoid me. Late morning today He reached out for the first time and said “If you’re okay with it, I’d like to talk to you after work tomorrow.” And I don’t know how to feel because he’s NEVER said that. He’s never initiated a talk. And I told him I’d like to do that but I have an exam at that time, he told me “good luck and just let me know”.... how can he avoid me yesterday and now he wants to talk? I’m not sure how to feel

 

[FragileGlass]

I find that a lot of supporters give their sufferers way too much rope to hang themselves with for bad behaviour thinking ‘it’s just the PTSD’.

As a sufferer, I’ve already told my partner to respect her boundaries and to put me in check if I cross any lines that cause her doubt, instability and her confidence is feeling rattled from my isolation or withdrawn behaviour at times. I do this because I truly care for and love my supporter and never want her to feel she is the cause, blame or trigger for my problems. At the end of the day, I still want her there. I’ve got work to put in to make sure that happens and maintain some of her needs in spite of my challenges. This is also because, I am not conflicted about whether I want this relationship or not. I truly do want it.

Relationships are two way communication and compromises. Ultimately there is a selfish component that you need to look out for yourself first and foremost.

PTSD is not an excuse for emotional abuse, bad behaviour or abusive behaviour in any manner. That kind of behaviour goes far deeper than PTSD.

Put yourself first. Shorten his rope, or cut the rope altogether. His behaviour is selfish.

 

[JM318]

I find that a lot of supporters give their sufferers way too much rope to hang themselves with for...

Thank you for that. He asked to talk tomorrow, so if the talk goes well I want to establish boundaries with him.

 

[JM318]

Thank you for that. He asked to talk tomorrow, so if the talk goes well I want to establish boundaries wi...

I do have a question though... I need ideas for boundaries? What works for you guys? What consequences are there if these are broken? (On both ends)

 

[FragileGlass]

You have a long term life changing exam in a couple of days. I do hope you maintain your focus there. He seems to be a short term problem that may otherwise affect long term happiness in stability for you career wise.

I stand behind you 100% in establishing your needs and boundaries. You are important too!

*hugs*

 

[OrangeJulius]

If it were me, I'd mentally turn him on pause (yes, easier said than done). Focus on and do well on your exam. Then give yourself time to reflect on what you want. Think about what is and is not ok in a relationship for you. What boundaries you want to set etc. And just remember boundaries are about what YOU will do if ______. The thing about boundaries is you gotta stuck to them or they don't work. Whatever your boundaries are you must follow through or its possible you will be tsken advantage of.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I agree. Forget him until this exam is over. Turn off your phone, go to the library or computer lab at school, and focus on the exam. Don't mess up YOUR business because he can't handle his.

As far as boundaries go, you have to figure out where YOU stand. Boundaries are your limits. They're what you will or will not tolerate personally. It's all about controlling your behavior here, not his. He doesn't get a say in your boundaries, he can just choose to respect them or not. So you have to decide what your deal breakers are, what kinds of treatment you can and cannot tolerate, and how you're willing to live.

First, figure out your breaking points. Your hard lines, your dealbreakers... whatever. Those are the "if he does X, I will leave" boundaries. For example, my hard boundaries are cheating, physical abuse, serious substance abuse, and being cruel to my children. Those are "Bye, Bitch" offenses, and I won't change my mind about that.

Next figure out your tolerance levels for less serious behaviors. These are the "X is not acceptable behavior that I am willing to tolerate or am willing to deal with long term. If he continues to do X without trying to correct his behavior, I may have to leave" boundaries. Lashing out verbally, how long your willing to stay in a relationship if he isolates from you, how much you can deal with suicidal ideation, if you can handle it if he continues to refuse treatment... these aren't necessarily "leave immediately" offenses, but they could turn into it if there is a pattern of behavior. An example is isolation... if my partner ever isolates for longer than a few weeks with no contact, I cannot be in a relationship with him. That's not a relationship in my opinion. He can go isolate as long as he wants, but I'm not going to sit here and wonder if I'm single for a month at a time.

Then there's normal relationship expectation boundaries. Like if you can tolerate a clingy partner, or a lazy partner who doesn't help... you get the ideas. "I am not a maid, if he does not pick up his socks, then he's going to have crusty ass dirty socks to wear, because I'm not washing them."

Really the whole thing boils down to this... mean what you say, and say what you mean. If you have no follow through, a boundary is useless.

 

[JM318]

Thank you everyone for your advice. Time to hit the books! It took me 3 years to get accepted into a nursing program, I need to be successful

 

[JM318]

He’s ended the relationship. I didn’t argue it, I just can’t do this anymore if he’s not willing to work through anything and get help like I am. Thank you everyone for the thoughts and support, it means a lot.

 

[Mytime]

Sorry your hurting and I wish you all the best. I hope all the decisions you need to make, come with ease.

 

[JM318]

Sorry your hurting and I wish you all the best. I hope all the decisions you need to make, come with eas...

Thank you :(