Relationship Any advice would be sincerely appreciated.

[Struggling supporter]

Hi- I am new to this site and am seeking advice on how to handle my personal relationship.

Let me begin with a description of my guy. He is a 3 time Iraq veteran with 2 Purple Hearts. He spent a great deal of time there during the initial Campaign and has since been medically discharged. He has been diagnosed with PTSD and a TBI. He was married and after 10 years, his wife up and disappeared with a dear John note explaining that she was having an affair. Since then he has dated a few people and we have been dating for over a year.

I am a divorced mom of 3. I was married for 10 years also and my ex-husband was extremely selfish and didn’t want to be a father.

Both my guy and I have been divorced for 6-7 years. We both own our homes and are successful in our fields.

My guy has his ups and downs, recently his downs have been more and more frequent. He basically gets in a mood and starts to text me and tell me that “I need to go do me, and he will do him... I should date whoever I want.... he doesn’t need me.... I can do better... he will never love/trust anyone ever again” it goes on and on. Typically lasts for a couple of days and the he goes back to the wonderful caring man that I fell in love with.

My guy recently cut it off with me and then called me the next morning and tried to explain that sometimes “gets wrapped up in his thoughts and tends to sabotage his own happiness”. That was the first time he admitted to anything.

At first, I thought these episodes were cause by something I did or said. I rarely ever said anything back and just let it go and tried to avoid any potential triggers.

Sunday, I left his house and said “I don’t really like it when you act like this” and I left. He said that I left in a rude manner and he was going to use this opportunity to distance himself. Since then it has been hit or miss. We had plans to travel this weekend and he is still planning on going with me. But I am kinda feeling like it is an obligatory trip. What is most interesting is that we had the most amazing weekend, totally relaxing and enjoying the “family environment”. I have a strange feeling that it triggered his down time.

Any advice on how I handle these ups and downs? I know it’s not me... but I don’t know how to help him.

 

[EveHarrington]

There’s nothing you can really do to help him except give him space and let him return to you when he’s ready. You can let him know you’re there to support him, but again, let him come to you.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It's only been a few days, I wouldn't worry too much about it. I'd just leave him be, and let him come back on his own. If he wanted to distance himself he wouldn't be talking to you at all. Actions speak louder than words, and it seems like something your guy does when he's stressed... he gets wound up and talks break up but doesn't follow through. Remember, good stress is stress too, so good emotions can cause stuff like this as well.

My vet has his "big talker-slow walker" moments too. I don't get too twisted about them anymore, but I sure did at first. It's a mind f*ck!

 

[Sighs]

You can't help him. Love is not enough.

How long have you been seeing him?

 

[Struggling supporter]

It's only been a few days, I wouldn't worry too much about it. I'd just leave him be, and let him co...

Thank you so much! For real it is a total mind funk- I am def getting better at giving him his space. I know his actions speak louder than words so that is why it is so hard to really believe what he says sometimes.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It's a double edged sword... of course you don't want to discredit anything he says. He's a grown adult, and he deserves to be believed when he says stuff. However, if this is a pattern of behavior, sometimes you have to wait and see what in the heck is going on.

Mine talks about more extreme, life-changing events when he is stressed and ill. He'll say he's leaving, moving, going back to school, buying a place in Montana to homestead and live off the grid by himself (even though he is physically disabled and can't even mow the grass). It's escapism. I recognize it as one of his tics and let him be. If he actually left I'd worry, ya know?

 

[Struggling supporter]

My guy does those same things. Talks about moving, changing careers, etc. I just let him talk and just listen. This is all new to me as he is the first person I have ever been with like this.

But I truly believe he is worth the struggle. He is such a good person.

 

[Struggling supporter]

You can't help him. Love is not enough.

How long have you been seeing him?

Over a year. He did have a breakdown and we didn’t talk for 2 months. Most of the time when he does this it is only a couple of days. Those 2 months was a while ago and honestly before I noticed a pattern.

 

[Struggling supporter]

After an evening of ups and downs- his downs include- saying I am only with him for money or so he can be a “fake dad” to my kids, or that he doesn’t need/want me- he sent me a text saying he was going to stop by for a kiss before going to work. He stopped my an hour ago and told me that he loved me. I know - based on previous experience- that he was having a rough night and lashing out at me.

Although I do not take his rants to heart as much any more, it is still painful and I know that it effects me and my overall aura and attitude, which ultimately affects my children. I am very thankful that when he is in these moods, he puts his happy face on when my children are around and pretends like everything is normal. We have talked about a future together and he and I both agree that we will wait until my youngest is older and close to graduating high school (8 years away). So we have plenty of time of us maintaining our life together, but also having our own sanctuaries to escape too.

I know eventually I will need to establish some hard boundaries.

Thank you guys for listening as this is not something I can discuss with my mom or closest friends as they do not understand.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Just because he is lashing out doesn't mean you have to stand there and take it. That is for the birds.

 

[LuckiLee]

Glad you found is!

The PTSD stress cup should explain a few things for both of you. Good luck with everything.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

but I don’t know how to help him.

You can't help him. He must help himself.

Sounds like typical PTSD push/pull to me.