Other Trauma on top of trauma: it never ends, does it? in psych ward for psychosis

[Deleted member 27340]

I'm in the psych ward now, on a psychosis related coercion paragraph. In 2.5 days (sunday night till night to wednesday) I was taken by police twice, once from a walk and once from a different ward, at the ER for stitches twice, and at three different wards. I'm still at the ward the police took me to last. I've been pepper sprayed, pinned down to the ground a few times, handcuffed, dragged with my arms bent all the way back, held down on a bench by several people, put in belt bed restraints with restraints on wrists, ankles, around my ribs and over my chest, and had zyprexa injected into my thigh.

The past year is just a cluster of stuff happening to me outside and to me equally real and hurtful things happening that only I sense/know. The belt bed reminded me of the sketchy guy who had wasted me tied up and had sex with me, and in the belts all I could think of was that the devil had won and all i could do was fight the restraints and say my mantra "tap tap slide".

Everything more new adds up and morphs into what feels like a soup of bad memories in a giant well filled with stuff from childhood, stuff only I could sense/know, police, ambulance people, ER visits, hospitals, etc etc....

I'm so exhausted and I have no idea how long I'm staying here and none of the staff or psychs know either. All I know is I'm not allowed to leave, and that I'll probably be put in belts again if I try to give more blood to the gods for protection or start kicking things again, and that they want to transfer me from this ward to one that's open and voluntary for 18-30 year olds with psychosis for observation, evaluation, and diagnosis.

I'm very confused now and not sure my truths are right anymore so I don't know if I want to go there or if I want to go into the forest to do tap tap slide on the trees (who, unlike when they killed me and trapped me in a fake copy world for almost 3 months, are my friends now). I'm afraid if I make the wrong choice the devils will take control of me like the Robot People did and make me do what they made me do.

(The Robot People made an arm and a leg robot parts and changed my skin into latex and put a chip in my brain that they used to make many voices and scary creatures with. The voices they had give me commands and threats, forcing me to shower in the dark with the hands all over me and the scary creatures, and forcing me to touch myself sexually. These memories hurt a lot, too.)

I have so many flashbacks to so many things now and I don't even know what around me is real, the flashbacks don't help, suddenly I don't know if I'm in a flashback, or if it's really happening right now and the things near me are something my mind only can see.

I don't understand why anything is happening to me or why I have to be locked up again or what's real or what are the right decisions or why things never end. I just want to be safe from all the bad and feel happy and have fun.

 

[Justmehere]

That unit that is voluntary for psychosis sounds like a great idea. I know things are really rough right now, and to go through what you have been through is really scary. Follow what the docs and psychs tell you to do, above all else, and things will hopefully get better soon. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 27340]

That unit that is voluntary for psychosis sounds like a great idea. I know things are really rough r...

Thank you<3 The past couple days I've been trying to be cooperative. They've gradually gone from 24/7 watch to 15min checks now, and now I'm allowed visitors too, but not walks outside yet.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

Talking is even easier today and I'm starting to get a bit bored here. My dad brought crosswords and comics but I can't think enough to solve them or read, but I've written a couple song lyrics.

 

[shimmerz]

1. I want to go there or if
2. I want to go into the forest to do tap tap slide on the trees (who, unlike when they killed me and trapped me in a fake copy world for almost 3 months, are my friends now).

So I am gently going to suggest that you go with number 1.

Based on your original post, it sounds like option #2 has not been keeping you safe and grounded. It sounds like this is a coping strategy that you have picked up along the way that hasn't been keeping you safe from harm. I think that, mainly from this statement.

I don't understand why anything is happening to me or why I have to be locked up again or what's real or what are the right decisions or why things never end. I just want to be safe from all the bad and feel happy and have fun.

It takes a bit sometimes to have fun after so many awful things happening. It sounds to me like you need a stable environment so that you can learn to make decisions for yourself that don't land you in dangerous positions anymore.

I am so terribly sorry that all of this has been happening to you.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

@shimmerz Thank you.

The pdoc decided today I'm allowed on walks outside followed by staff now. My dad and housemate/SO will visit later and bring more cigs for me, too.

I said to them I can agree to go to the psychosis ward. They're gonna check with my outpatient team how long it is until they have a bed for me there, I might be moved to another ward (an open one, unlike the one I'm at now which is a locked ward) while I wait.

I'm getting more thoughts of dying because I'm so tired of all this. It's like there's no more fight left in me.

 

[shimmerz]

I'm getting more thoughts of dying because I'm so tired of all this. It's like there's no more fight left in me.

I totally understand this. It is too much being constantly traumatized. There are skills that can be learned to wedge in between. Honestly, I had given up last year. Completely. Utterly. I had never been so beaten down before and I had been through a shitload of horrors the 10 years prior.

What changed it for me was a Wellness Tool called WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan). If you can, ask whether there is WRAP or any other form of wellness training at the hospital. It will help you kill time and also give you tools that help you gain more control over your day by day and minute by minute experience.

DBT is good for lots of people. I haven't done DBT myself but many people on this board swear by it. So, yeah, if you are going to be in the hospital, try to make the best of it. Really be proactive about searching out their programs and doing them. You will start to build connections again and also learn tools that no psychiatrist or psychologist has never even spoken to me about. I wish I had known about them 10 years ago. Or 15. Or 20.

Much respect for your hardships.
Shimmerz

 

[joeylittle]

@Tainted - hang in there. I’m glad to see you again, though sorry it’s under such tough circumstances.

they want to transfer me from this ward to one that's open and voluntary for 18-30 year olds with psychosis for observation, evaluation, and diagnosis.

This is a good move, and I’m very glad you told them that you agreed to this.

I want to encourage you to stay with them there until they can move you to this ward, whether they can move you to the open one in the interim or no.

From what you have written, it sounds like there may be some treatments that can help you. Not being sure of what’s real is an exhausting thing. You deserve to live in a stable world. I’m thinking of you, lots.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

@shimmerz @joeylittle

Thank you both. I guess I'll know more about what options I have once I'm out of the acute ward. The pdoc today said the psychosis ward decided they won't take me until I turn 18, which they (here at the acute ward) think is ridiculous considering it's barely 5 weeks until my birthday. I don't want to go back to the youth ward (never felt taken seriously there before, and last I was there was when shit got really bad and the police came and took me in cuffs to this ward), so they're trying to convince the other open ward to take me. Currently I'm on Zyprexa. I've used it before, it works well for me. Seroquel wasn't enough, and this episode might very well be caused by being on Seroquel and that not being strong enough.

I think the first priority when I get moved over to the psychosis ward will be diagnosis, then treatment later.

The coercion paragraph I'm on now runs out on Thursday, but I'll stay voluntarily. They said they think it's much too soon for discharge. I probably wouldn't be able to continue taking my meds or even feed myself regularly at home (okay, it's been like 4 months since last I fed myself regularly).

 

[Anarchy]

T, Hoping that you are ok

I'm really sorry that you have been going through a bad time, and that the pigs entitled bullies violent lunatics with highly distorted perceptions of reality, used it as an excuse to assault you :mad:.

I hope that you are able to make the best of the facilities and opportunities for courses and reading while you are stuck in there.

Please keep us updated with how you are doing

:hug::hug::hug:

___________________
Sorry for the late reply
I'm not spending much time on the forum atm.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

@Anarchy Thank you <3

violent lunatics with highly distorted perceptions of reality

At least I have something in common with them :hilarious:

I keep getting shittons of flashbacks to this whole episode, police, the coercion, etc... One of the police officers also reported me for kicking him, I've been to an interrogation and it might end up on my criminal record...

I'm stable for now, mostly so at least. I'll be hospitalised at the psychosis specialised ward in early july, probably for at least 2-3 weeks. They might also take me off my meds to observe me without meds while I'm there. I'm kinda stressing over the whole thing. Like, what if they conclude that I'm not that sick and just need to sit my ass down and get tougher skin? Or what if they diagnose me something that basically confirms my belief that I'll be like this forever? I also keep telling myself I can't take another one of the big episodes, despite always getting back on my feet after them... I don't know. Everything is a mess and I'm thoroughly exhausted.

 

[shimmerz]

I also keep telling myself I can't take another one of the big episodes

I so completely understand this feeling Tainted. I am so sorry that is how it feels. Congratulations on keeping it together in the meanwhile. Much respect and sending you warmth.