Staying alive out of guilt?

[frogthroat]

Not preaching, speaking from experience of wasted time trying to figure out how to die, instead of using that same energy to figure out how to live. Something changed, something shifted, don't care how or why or when... but then I got it... No matter what path I chose, it was going to involve pain... so I picked my pain.. the pain of finding me... it was harder, and it hurt, but still grateful today, for picking the pain of healing

That's very true but it's the hardest thing you'll ever do and there's no guarantee anything will work out. At the end of the day you choose to be happy and it's hard to unless you practice. I'm really bad at it.

 

[whiteraven]

Not preaching, speaking from experience of wasted time trying to figure out how to die, instead of using that same energy to figure out how to live.

I've spent a lifetime trying to figure out how to live. Nobody will believe that here, but finding purpose and a reason to stay has been *all* I've done. It's been in-between times when I haven't been able to function because of the anxiety and the depression, but I've kept at it for a very long time (like 50 years).

I don't understand - in all seriousness - how my trying isn't good enough. 'cause that's what I hear folks saying. That I'm not doing enough and I'm not doing the right thing to heal.

 

[ladee]

@whiteraven , who is saying you aren't doing enough? I truly hope it's no one here, because we know how hard this is. Who ever is saying that to you, is wrong, just straight up wrong. Sending you energy to fight those lies and to hear those that are supporting you. :hug::hug:

 

[whiteraven]

@whiteraven , who is saying you aren't doing enough? I truly hope it's no one here, be...

Thank you, @ladee. I think when I hear "you need to..." I interpret that as "if you only did xyz, you would feel better," or "you're not doing enough...you need to..."

I hear that from a lot of folks who are in a better place than I am. Or people who don't have issues at all. And while I understand the intent behind those bits of "encouragement," people don't hear or take into account all that I *have* tried.

I got a muscle relaxant from my doctor today - hoping it will help with the spasms and all-over tension I'm feeling.

 

[ladee]

In all honesty, not one of us know what someone else 'needs'... we can share what works or has worked, and let the person we are sharing with see if any of it is worth trying,or worth trying again.

Without all the outside noise of suggestions or 'you need too's', what is your interpretation of living? What does that mean to YOU? Not society, not the status quo, but for YOU. Would you be comfortable sharing that? I am interested in what that means to you and what you think living looks and feels like.

I feel we all basically want and need the same things, but there are very individual things we desire in our life. Of course you don't have to answer.. so maybe you can at least think about it... would love to have a conversation about this if it's not too much of an overload or filling your mind with too much to process or even speak about.

I am interested in what 'living' looks like to you. You may be doing more than you realize. Or you may be marching to your own drummer.

I appreciate you letting me ask questions, whether or not you answer here. Just hoping you can pin it down a little more for yourself.

Gentle hugs if you accept. If now is not the time or you are uncomfortable with that idea... just put them up, and you can take one down when you need it, and no ones watching....:hug::hug:

 

[Glo809]

Greetings

I didn't think about others one way or another when I flipped those switches in my mind that sent me down the suicidal path .....

However lack of planning and going on impulse let me live, but not without consequences because I was a psyc lock up and my Mrs is now bearing the load of how could I have stopped it.

Been walking on egg shells since the event. But went to a vet community services today and seems the both of us might now be on the right track to stability.

Best wishes
G

 

[whiteraven]

Hi @ladee. Thank you again.

In all honesty, not one of us know what someone else 'needs'... we can share what works or has worked, and let the person we are sharing with see if any of it is worth trying,or worth trying again.

Completely agree. I just wish everyone would offer suggestions instead of telling us what we "should" do.

Without all the outside noise of suggestions or 'you need too's', what is your interpretation of living? What does that mean to YOU? Not society, not the status quo, but for YOU. Would you be comfortable sharing that? I am interested in what that means to you and what you think living looks and feels like.

I'm guessing you mean *ideally*? I mean, right now living is all about suffering. Nothing more, nothing less.

Doing a better job at managing the depression and anxiety and PTSD and being at peace within is what I imagine is the most important. Being able to delve into a spiritual practice in earnest. Doing what I want to do for a living and being happy and content with that. Caring about others, able to take everything in stride. Continually learning, being comfortable with the notion that everything is temporary, including this life. Not fearing death.

Oh, and finishing the projects I start.

What are those things I want to do, specifically? Write, work with animals, hold my workshops, give my cats a good home. Study, practice, and live spiritually.

You may be doing more than you realize. Or you may be marching to your own drummer.

A little of both. I write, I am just not able to finish projects. I am in a certificate program to work with animals, but I don't feel like I'm connecting. I planned the workshops, but I am having trouble carrying through with them. My cats - well, they are loved and they know it, but I feel responsible for their medical issues and sometimes (all the time at the moment) think they would be better elsewhere.

Thanks for talking to me @ladee. It's really appreciated.

 

[ladee]

Thanks @whiteraven , for sharing what living is to you, and what it means. I feel everything you shared is what most people want and need... Just to be reasonably happy, to have some peace of mind. To do the things that matter to us...

And here is where I will share some things that helped me weather the bad times... and if none of it helps.. maybe others will come on and share things that will work for you.

We give certain WORDS a lot of power. Like 'suffering'. I know in our case, that it is so hard to function in this world and heal at the same time, when we are all over the place. So, don't mean to make this part sound simple, because it's not. But I understand that pain is part of life. Suffering, in some cases is a choice... I look at it like when I was a child and had no choice and no voice, I suffered then. Today, as an adult, and I use that term loosely because that means different things to different people..we have a lot of choices to not suffer.

I had to work at accepting the things that happened to me. To stop fighting the healing process. I call it 'picking your pain'. The pain of suffering, or the pain of healing. Either way it hurts, but the healing, well, it has an end to it eventually.

And if I committed to something, I come to understand, I didn't have to be 100% enthused or happy all the time... and that I might disassociate or get triggered, but I could still show up. Just like in life... if I didn't get what I needed to learn the first time, it will come again and I'll have another chance... working with animals... that would be awesome. Talk about distraction!! I would be able to be present for that. and the healing animals provide can not be found any where else...

I learned I was harder on myself than I would ever allow anyone else to be. Spent a lot of time breaking that one down to something I could live with. I still do it sometimes, but catch myself a lot faster, and just ease up.. the answers will come.. this was a hard one , and I feel it is for many of us here..

I accept that I am not like 'the others'... and as I look and listen, I am grateful I'm not one of them.. Not to say they don't have their own pain, but as a rule, they would run if they knew what some of us have been thru...

Read things that bring your peace. That help you see the world as not so hostile. We are realsts.. we know ugly when we see it. We've lived it, and in many cases still living it..

Work to find your own truth. To fit inside your own skin... show yourself some compassion... even if it feels weird or not true. It will if you practice it...

And give yourself time to 'unlearn'.... that has been the majority of my healing. The unlearning. The lies, the things we were told or that was said or done to us... and I refused to continue giving the abusers the power to keep me stuck, by continuing to not believe in myself.. That just perpetuates the abuse, where they left off, we continue.. NO... it doesn't have to be that way...

That's just some of the things that I have used to get where I am... I still have bad days, I still have times of dissociation, going numb... and many of the other symptoms we have with PTSD... but it's something that is happening, it's NOT who I am...

It took a lot of work... but I wanted to find out for myself if this life was worth living.. not having someone else tell me it was... Because, many times, I didn't want to keep doing this.. But, I did... for what ever reason, I did...

And am so grateful I did.. I do have two things I desperately needed and wanted, peace, most of the time, and freedom.

And I loved what you said about us 'talking with' each other.. I don't have all the answers, thank goodness. I am still hungry to learn... and we get to do that with each other, pretty awesome isn't it !!!

You will get the life you want hon.. just keep on keepin' on... it just sort of happens, when we least expect it, some things come together... you got this, remind yourself of that everyday, even when you dont belive it !! Lots of hugs :hug::hug:

 

[Ronin]

But went to a vet community services today and seems the both of us might now be on the right track to stability.

Glad you are getting something worked out Glo, and that there is improvement. Well wishes.

 

[whiteraven]

Suffering, in some cases is a choice

I believe that suffering - at least in adults - is ALWAYS a choice. I don't think it is necessarily a conscious one, and I think we need to learn that we do things to create our own suffering.

I look at it like when I was a child and had no choice and no voice, I suffered then

Yes. And to experience and endure physical pain or be put in a situation that instinctively feels wrong creates suffering that is hard to overcome.

I had to work at accepting the things that happened to me.

Hm...what I remember, I accept. And I've forgiven the person who hurt me. Not sure how I can accept what I don't remember. Situations currently that create distrust, make it hard to submit to the "healing process."

I learned I was harder on myself than I would ever allow anyone else to be

Yes. Probably true here, too. But we're working on it.

Read things that bring your peace. That help you see the world as not so hostile.

When I can read, this is ALL I read.

And give yourself time to 'unlearn'.... that has been the majority of my healing. The unlearning. The lies, the things we were told or that was said or done to us... and I refused to continue giving the abusers the power to keep me stuck, by continuing to not believe in myself.. That just perpetuates the abuse, where they left off, we continue.. NO... it doesn't have to be that way...

Yeah, this is hard.

It took a lot of work... but I wanted to find out for myself if this life was worth living..

I'm not so much there anymore. Wanting to find out, I mean.

Thanks again for the time you took to write.

 

[T2L]

I've been there for many years. It's odd seeing both sides of it though. I'd I tell a friend in an instant you'll get through this, keep going, etc. Yet, at the same time completely understand and sometimes I'm highly contemplating it myself at the exact same time. I've had multiple family members commit or attempt suicide so I do see the aftermath it leaves behind. However, I also wonder...isn't it selfish to "make" someone stay in pain whether it's physical or emotional? I can't speak for others, but it wasn't my choice to be born or hurt. It isn't my choice to very rarely feel anything above numb. I've tried meds, I'm in therapy. I'd say for me it's partially genetic and partially experiences. I don't remember ever having periods of time actually feeling even content, let alone joy. Perhap I'm a hypocrite. I will say the guilt of leaving friends and family (and furry children) behind has kept me from doing it many times. Though, I'm still in emotional pain and it hasn't exactly gotten better. I will say though that for me the intensity *is* temporary, but in the moment it feels like it'll last forever. I'll go from feeling very suicidal, sleep through it, and wake up "meh" and feeling nothing. This still doesn't mean I ever feel happinesses though.