Relationship I’ve left him and he doesn’t care

[dulcia]

@Sighs! I was so excited/surprised when I noticed you were the OP! I am so proud of you, and also so sorry you're going through all the feelings of devastation. Unfortunately, he did not seem to care enough about you when you were together to treat you the way you (or any human) deserved. So, also unfortunately, I can see how he's not going to come running back or accepting blame when you leave. I can imagine telling yourself he doesn't care, but still having the smallest voice in the back of your mind "he's going to realize what he's lost and he's going to come running and want to change". I completed understand going through that. If I hadn't met HG when YKW and I were in the middle of an abusive relationship low in the cycle, I think I would have had that voice in the back of my mind for a lot longer.

You invested so much time and effort into him, but the relationship still was not able to function or remain healthy for long. That is not your fault. Is this final? If so, have you thought about going no contact? Black and white may make things easier for him (and you) moving forward. Y'all's relationship was very obviously not helping you any, but was it helping him at all?

You're going to have to relearn a lot of things, but I'm most excited for you to relearn how to be the amazing person you are when you're not being brought down by hostility, threats, and abuse.

 

[Freida]

but I'm most excited for you to relearn how to be the amazing person you are when you're not being brought down by hostility, threats, and abuse.

This! ^^^^^

 

[Pippi427]

My abusive ex did me the favor of stalking me after I kicked his ass out of the house for attacking my dog with a sharp object. Now the police can deal with him. Sometimes they make it a bit easier after you cut them loose. It took me about 6 months of regular therapy to get the nightmares to leave me. I never want to live through that again.

 

[Sighs]

So... I was talking to my therapist this morning and she asked me what I was enjoying doing now that I’m away from him and I said that I had had a long hot bath last night. She was like “couldn’t you do that when you were with him?” And I explained how I would have to wait until he was ready to bath, run him a bath and then wait til after he had finished to have a quick bath in his dirty water. If I ran more hot water he would yell about wasting water. (We were on tank water.) If I took too long he would yell at me to hurry up and make him a cup of tea.

She was kinda speechless. Guess that’s a wee bit controlling?

 

[Sweetleaf]

Oh @Sighs
:hug::hug::hug::hug:
I know how you feel. I'm sorry you went through that, you didn't deserve to be treated like that.

I have a lot of moments like that in sessions with my pdoc (who also gives me EMDR) - going over how controlling he was.

There have to be so many little and big things you get to enjoy now that you don't have to deal with his bullshit. It so good that you left him. ugh.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It's kind of metaphoric really... he didn't even think you were worthy of your own clean bath water. He got his first.

 

[Sighs]

Today I’ve been on Facebook and Instagram and had - gasp - TWO baths. I’ve also researched training for a new career. I applied for two jobs I don’t think I’ll get and been kinda sorta offered something which is in the town where he lives but at least it would be a start...

 

[Hojay]

Wohoo, @Sighs! Treat yourself, take 5 baths a day if you must. Join FB groups that interest you and chat away. Heck, why not do both at the same time? You’re free. Nobody to tell you what, when, and where to do it—that’s how it’s supposed to be. I guess worse than not trusting someone else is losing trust in ourselves—that we can take care of ourselves, be kind to ourselves. But you’re doing it!

 

[dulcia]

Do you think you can manage working in the same town, @Sighs? I was lucky that when I left, my ex and I lived 2+ hours apart. It makes it a lot easier to calm down and move forward.

 

[Sighs]

Part of me wants to be as far away from him as I can get. But part of me thinks - bugger him! Why should I leave? I love the mountains. It’s a great little town. He hardly ever comes to town anyway so why shouldn’t I stay?

It would be renting a room so I wouldn’t be committed to a lease or a job so if he is harassing me I could leave. But at the moment he is totally accepting that I’ve left and is not trying to make me go back so... I don’t know. We’ll see.

 

[Hojay]

Only thing to consider when staying so close would be that once he starts hoovering (which I highly suspect he will once his pride has worn off,) the step to “casually” meeting up could be a little too easy. Naturally, it’s up to you how firm you feel (and expect you will feel) when it comes to him wanting to meet up to “say all the right things” and “everything you ever wanted to hear.” Living so close could make it harder for you to not give in to the (very understandable!) impulse to reconnect and see what he has to say. Sometimes we have to trick ourselves a little, knowing ourselves well, to prevent ourselves from doing what we can already predict we’ll do when x happens. But that’s just something to think about.

 

[Sighs]

I agree. But the relief I was hoping for has started to come and I’m SO enjoying being ME again that I’m feeling very confident (at least today) that I can’t and won’t go back.