Actually contemplating this...how do i tell my therapist?

[Hopeforlife]

A part of me is suicidal, is actually plotting. Not sure which part but it is fighting constantly about giving in. The rest of me is fighting against this feeling by trying to reason - I am worth it, I have so much to live for, my children and husband are my world etc.

My Psychiatrist has asked me a few times if I have suicidal thoughts and I have lied because lying makes it seem less real. Should I tell him and what will the consequences be! I am scared that if I admit to him it will make me feel more weakness to this illness and this suicidal part will act.

This suicidal part has no one. No one understands or shows compassion or acknowledgement towards it. Even my other parts are treating this suicidal part like she is stupid for thinking like this and don't want to connect with it.

I am ashamed to speak to my husband about this and we have such an open relationship and has been my one and only real rock on this journey. I'm afraid I will break his heart.

I had a suicidal part many years ago and she acted. Fortunately it didn't work. It's like that suicidal part lay dormant for a number of years but she's desperate for something to be fulfilled and to be heard.

I have tried talking with this part but there is so much hurt...:cry:

 

[Skywatcher]

I would tell your p-doc because your medications might be giving her more power. Also, I am so sorry that your suicidal part is so alone and in pain. Is it possible that she is holding all of the darkness so that you can be a good mom and wife and the other parts can feel safe? It sounds as though you need to let out some of the pain. Perhaps write it down and then tear it up, followed by grounding? Please talk to the people that will help you stay safe.

 

[Emotional girl]

@Hopeforlife I know exactly how you are feeling.A couple of weeks ago I was completely suicidal and I was sitting in my therapy session and my psychologist kept asking me if I was suicidal and I couldn't give him a honest answer.I wanted to tell him but I was scared of what would happen next.
I went home after my session and I got really upset and I decided to reach out to my psychologist who put me in touch with a home treatment team.
I know how hard it is to talk when you are feeling this way because there is little voice in your head telling you that you are a burden and that everyone will be better off without you and at times that voice gets louder and louder and it is hard to ignore but I think you need to remember that you can get through this with support.
If you are finding it difficult to tell your therapist how you are feeling do you think that you could write down your feelings and then show it to your therapist instead.
If you can't talk to your therapist then is there any other mental health professional who you can talk too ?
It sounds like you have a loving and supportive husband and I am sure he would want to help you as well.
I still have that little voice in my head but it is not as intense as a couple of weeks ago and I am taking each day minute by minute,hour by hour and day by day.

By less intense I mean that the little voice will still pop up but now I feel alot more control of it now rather than it being in charge of me.
I really hope that you manage to reach out.

 

[digger]

A part of me is suicidal, is actually plotting.

My Psychiatrist has asked me a few times if I have suicidal thoughts and I have lied because lying makes it seem less real. Should I tell him and what will the consequences be! I am scared that if I admit to him it will make me feel more weakness to this illness and this suicidal part will act.

If you're at a point where you are actively planning and fearing that you might act on suicidal thoughts, then, even though it feels scary as hell, this is definitely the time to be reaching out to your psychiatrist, or therapist, if you have one.

It would also be good to share with them what your fears are about sharing what's going on for you, - that you are scared that telling him might cause the feelings to escalate.

Do you have a good relationship with your psychiatrist generally?

 

[Hopeforlife]

Thank you all for your replies.

@Skywatcher you are probably 100% right. This part is holding all the heartache. I’m not sure which part though. Tried to figure out how old the part is and anything else that could help me connect more with that part. How can a child part be suicidal? Or is it my child part? I’m trying...

@Emotional girl thank you. :hug:

@digger i think you are right! I need to say something. I see my psychiatrist once a month and my psychotherapist once a week. ATM things are a bit heavy. My relationship with my PT is really good but I am not sure how to broach the subject when even through these tough few months I have been managing ok considering. I see my psychiatrist on Wednesday. Im wondering if I need to contact someone before then. :(

 

[digger]

Im wondering if I need to contact someone before then.

if you're as worried by it as you seem to be from this posting then I think, yes, contact them sooner.

I had a suicidal part many years ago and she acted. Fortunately it didn't work. It's like that suicidal part lay dormant for a number of years but she's desperate for something to be fulfilled and to be heard.

Perhaps listening and saying 'I'm taking this seriously and getting help for it' does amount to being heard. At the moment it seems that your maybe trying to ignore it or minimise 'make it less real', so perhaps talking about it openly with someone else and acknowledging it is the thing that needs to happen to settle it down? Worth thinking about at least.

 

[ImFuktUp]

there's no fancy way of saying it, just say it, you'll feel better for it.
I'm very open about the "S" word, don't care anymore, I cared too much in the past and look what it's done for me, nothing.
Just tell him/her.

 

[Bananie]

I told two t's recently how I have been planning and practicing. Neither really cared. Which is fine. I don't think I care much anymore either.
Definitely go ahead and tell, at least professionals. They're trained to be able to handle it.
Good luck!

 

[Hopeforlife]

Well I have spoken to my T about it and she was pretty amazing. She even called my psychiatrist for me with my permission so I don’t have to go back and see him. She helped with understanding why I feel like I do and most importantly did not judge me. We are on a 5 week break which is huge but maybe it’s what we need and I need to sort out some feelings and thoughts. I’m adamant I’m gonna make it through these next 5 weeks. Thank you all for your support.