Pathological indecisiveness

[EveHarrington]

On a whim I googled “pathological indecisiveness” and whadda ya know, it really IS a thing!

I’m not self-diagnosing or anything. I just know that my indecisiveness is a big problem.

My indecisiveness ranges from the cute end of things where I cannot decide what to have for dinner when I go out to eat and make lighthearted jokes about sending the waiter away 10 times all the way up to oh shit this really is having a negative effect on my life when I am immobilized when faced with serious life decisions.

I am in a new situation of sorts with a guy I’ve known for 7 months. (I don’t dare say the R word, relationship, as it freaks me out...totally a topic for another thread, lol.) So anyway, he’s ACTUALLY putting me in the drivers seat in terms of making decisions about the situation between us. ( I say “actually” as opposed to smoke and mirrors “apparently” that my ex did...) Of course this new guy would like to move faster but he knows I have the soul of a frightened rabbit who will bolt when scared, so he knows he cannot push things along more than I am ready for. He says I’m totally worth waiting for and he is willing to work with me.

Let’s just say that my system is freaking the f*ck out. WHAT?!? You mean I have to make decisions?!? Ohhhh, no, no, no, no, NO! I can’t make decisions. CAN’T!

With other guys it was so simple. You make the decision, and I’ll just go along with it. Easy peasy lemon squeezy!

Because, you see, I have a core belief that says I have to do what other people want and I have to be what other people want me to be or else they are going to walk away.

If the guy makes the decisions, and I just go along with it, I avoid risking that rejection.....But when I have to make the decision, there could be a million different options so picking the “right” one is a daunting task. KWIM?

But, yes, we are taking things slowly and getting to know one another. He is strongly encouraging me to think about my boundaries and set them with him. Yeah, I’m like “boundaries? What boundaries? Pssshhh. I just let people do what they want!” Sad, I know. At least he knows this so he’s very careful about not doing physical things unless I’m sure I want to.

Does anyone else struggle with making decisions? What helps you make important decisions? How can I move through/past this struggle?

Thoughts? Feedback? Ideas? Help!

 

[Taylormade73]

Hi, yes I struggle with making decisions all the time! It’s very frustrating. I also can relate to doing what everyone wants... I’m curious as to whether or not you have read any books regarding co-dependency? One of the first things I learned in recovery was “ make your yes’s mean yes, and your No’s mean no” A hard thing to do if you are a people pleaser.....which I am. I don’t know if it would help you or not but one of the things my therapist has me do when I have to make a decision is to make a pros and cons list. Another thing you can do if you haven’t already is start researching about boundaries... I had actually never heard of such things until I started recovery so I really had to get some idea on what that would look like. Learning more about WHY I was always saying yes, and always putting off making decisions was something else I needed to do.. my issues stem a lot from child hood abuse and abandonment. As a kid I never wanted to make anyone angry with me because that meant being punished or being sent away. Hopefully this will help you out, or at least give you some encouragement

 

[barefoot]

Yes, I struggle with indecisiveness too - I usually take ages to make a decision because I take so long over-thinking every different perspective and positive outcome and fret so much about whether I’m making the “right” decision.

In practical terms, if I’m really stuck with making a decision, I will generally:
- make pro/con list
- talk it through with someone else (which may or may not include asking for their view)
- notice any distorted thinking and try to address it eg am I catastrophising about a decision’s worst possible - but realistically very unlikely - outcome?
- notice if I’m focusing on what I “should” do rather than what I “want” to do (“shoulding” often keeps me stuck)
- take a punt and go for it knowing that most decisions - even if they don’t turn out to be completely right - don’t mean the end of the world. So, I guess this is about getting things into perspective.

A couple of things came to mind when I read your post:

Firstly, it sounds like the other person usually makes the decisions and you go along with them, whatever you think. Now, it seems that this guy has - as you say - put you in the driving seat and now you are feeling anxious about that decision making responsibility.

It doesn’t have to be this black and white/all or nothing. There is something in between, which may be worth exploring ie it is very possible to talk things through together and make decisions - especially important decisions - jointly. And, as part of that joint decision making process, there will also be give and take and compromise on both sides. That’s how a lot of relationships work.

Secondly, my sense is that working on how to improve your decision-making skills or how to make important decision is maybe putting the cart before the horse. It sounds like your challenges with making decisions is tied up with that core belief you hold around having to do what other people say/being who they want otherwise they will walk away. Perhaps putting some more attention there and working on that belief will then have a positive knock on effect re how you approach making decisions.


It sounds like this guy cares about you and it’s nice that he is wanting to take things at your pace and wants you to exercise your power around making decisions and setting boundaries etc.

I guess a possible downside to this is that, despite his good intentions, him giving you all the responsibility is still not a balanced way of communicating or making decisions - he’s just tipped the balance from the guy usually having those responsibilities in your past relationships to now you having it all.
So, this could just flip the dynamic round - which wouldn’t be that helpful for either of you, I don’t think.

It’s still important, I think, for him to give his opinion and set his own boundaries etc so that may be worth a conversation if you haven’t already discussed it.
Eg if you’re deciding which restaurant you’re both going to go to for dinner or which film to watch (not very major decisions, I know) what will he do if he doesn’t like your choice? Will he “just go along with it” - as you have done with people in the past - because he’s given decision-making responsibility to you? If so, how will he ultimately feel about that? And, for that matter, how will you feel if you pick up that this is what he’s doing? Or will he push back? Or will he suggest an alternative? Or will he ask you to suggest an alternative Or...?

Those could be good things to practise...quite small decisions but still with enough significance that if one of you isn’t happy that could potentially throw a spanner in your evening together. And seeing how you both respond. And maybe then discussing those decisions and responses.

So...you suggest going to an Italian and he goes along with it but then it’s obvious later that he’s not enjoying it...how does that make both of you feel? That could be a great conversation for you both.

If you suggest going to an Italian and he says “actually, I’m not a big pasta fan” or “I just had Italian last night so don’t really fancy it again tonight...how about Mexican?” Again, that could be useful - a great lesson in negotiation/compromise/joint decision making that doesn’t end in rejection and someone walking away.

One of you having sole responsibility for decisions doesn’t sound very helpful or healthy longer term to me - whichever one of you it is. Because that’s an unbalanced dynamic, which could be a very easy breeding ground for anxiety and resentment.

And if he’s putting you in charge of making decisions about “the situation between you”, by which I assume you mean he is letting you take the lead in deciding if/how your relationship will progress...well...that’s surely an area you both need input in? How else will you both know whether you’re on the same page or not?

I think it’s so important in a relationship - if that relationship is to be healthy and grow and to allow each person in the relationship to grow too - that both people’s needs get met. And I’m not sure how that happens when one of you is in charge of deciding how the situation develops - even if the other person has willingly given them that power.

So, finding opportunities to discuss decisions, learning give and take, seeing the value and strength in a relationship of negotiating and compromising, discovering that a win/win is often possible and also seeing that walking away when you don’t like a decision isn’t everyone’s MO are all really good things to explore, I think.

If I’ve misunderstood and he hasn’t given you all the power I’m referring to above, then I guess that’s good news for you as it means that there will actually be more discussion (and therefore more joint decision making). In which case, the pressure is totally off you to make the right decision, alleviating your fear and anxiety around what might happen if you “get it wrong”.
So, if this is the case, it sounds like you can relax and just enjoy being in the moment with this person and see how things develop :)

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi, yes I struggle with making decisions all the time! It’s very frustrating. I also can relat...

I have the Bible on codependency and I think it’s a bunch of shit. It didn’t really apply to me and was a “oh you poor poor angels who are trying to save the mentally ill and addicted! it’s their fault for roping you in to their dysfunction!” kind of book. Uhm, nope. I stopped reading a few chapters in because I knew it wasn’t for me. I wasn’t going to continue reading a book that validated my ex while villainizing me.

Yes, I struggle with indecisiveness too - I usually take ages to make a decision because I take so lon...

No, he’s not making me make ALL the decisions. God knows I’d never be with a wet dish rag kind of guy like that.

He’s forcing me to make the important decisions like how far we go physically, how fast our relationship progresses, etc.....which is how things should be. I should be making these decisions for myself and if my decisions don’t mesh with what he wants, it’s over. He’s ok moving at my pace. He’s ok waiting. He just wants what’s best for me and knows that it’s important for me to make decisions for myself and not just go along with whatever he wants.

 

[LuckiLee]

I'm guessing this relates to your relationships? And not your professional life?

This might sound totally lame but it could work...

Make a list without any outside influence of your favorite things. Foods, restaurants, parks, books, kinds of movies, colors, hobbies, activities etc. etc. Then when he asks where you want to go for dinner. Boom. You have an answer. And it's one of your favorite places.

Have fun with it. ;)

 

[EveHarrington]

Does anyone else struggle with making decisions? What helps you make important decisions? How can I move through/past this struggle?

Thoughts? Feedback? Ideas? Help!

Still struggling BIG TIME!

 

[grit]

He’s forcing me to make the important decisions like how far we go physically, how fast our relationship progresses, etc.....which is how things should be. I should be making these decisions for myself and if my decisions don’t mesh with what he wants, it’s over. He’s ok moving at my pace. He’s ok waiting. He just wants what’s best for me and knows that it’s important for me to make decisions for myself and not just go along with whatever he wants.

I am truly trying to understand the above quote and wondering what exactly needs a decision. When to have sex? a partner, especially a new person, may not be able to teach you basic things like making a decision. This is something you do not need him for but he could improve it along the path as you get to know each other. To me this sounds like whether you are with him or not, you will struggle with it. So the question maybe is not clear. How did you decide to go out with him in the first place? What made him different from other guys?

 

[EveHarrington]

I am truly trying to understand the above quote and wondering what exactly needs a decision. When to have sex? a partner, especially a new person, may not be able to teach you basic things like making a decision. This is something you do not need him for but he could improve it along the path as you get to know each other. To me this sounds like whether you are with him or not, you will struggle with it. So the question maybe is not clear. How did you decide to go out with him in the first place? What made him different from other guys?

I’m struggling with the title subject, making decisions, any decision. I responded to an old thread of mine.

 

[NeverGiveUp]

I’m struggling with the title subject, making decisions, any decision. I responded to an old thread of mine.

Can you elaborate a bit more on how your relationship is going after a year? Did the dynamic change somewhat with this guy? Does he still want you to make all the important decisions?

 

[EveHarrington]

Can you elaborate a bit more on how your relationship is going after a year? Did the dynamic change somewhat with this guy? Does he still want you to make all the important decisions?

Right now we’re just holding the status quo I guess you could say? I struggle because this is all new to me, I’ve never been in a relationship this long before. I am getting better at making decisions and saying no. I struggle with the new feelings, I have urges to run. I don’t know what to do. Being in a relationship this stable makes me feel uneasy.

 

[NeverGiveUp]

@EveHarrington , thank you for answering.

I was asking because I myself have struggles with making decisions in general, and when it comes to relationships too... Like even when it all seems awesome and I'm happy, I'm just getting triggered at something and I start doubting whether I even should have started all of this.

What I'm thinking is that, maybe, if it's taking too long, you may want him to lead the relationship a bit more. Keep setting your boundaries and remember that you can and should say "no" when you don't want to do something... But in other things, maybe he can lead a bit more. I don't think it's bad when somebody is a leader in a relationship as long as the other person agrees.

I'm also wondering if you have tried to make a decision together... It actually may be easier than making it alone.

 

[EveHarrington]

if it's taking too long, you may want him to lead the relationship a bit more.

I’m not sure what you mean by if it’s taking too long?