Can't feel any emotion

[SunDog]

Hey there,

Been a while since I wrote. I've been putting on a facade that I'm happy go lucky lately. Everybody seems to buy it and they think I'm fine. Just like I want them to. Figured also that if I fake it long enough it'll be real. But that's not working so far...
I'm emotionally numb. After one night spent in a toilet sobbing into a towel for 2 hours while my wife was asleep because I didn't want her to worry, the next day I began to feel emotionally numb. I haven't felt much since then. I wish I could snap out of it. I just want to feel 'something'. It's been days that I've felt dead inside.
Do you guys and girls have any advice as to what to do to get out of this numbness? I almost feel like a ghost. I'm dead inside but everyone can still see me.
My dreams have also not helped. In the morning I feel paralyzed and dazed. When I get up it takes an hour to feel like I can move like a normal human being without something making my limbs stiff and almost forgetting how to human.

 

[frogthroat]

Hey, Sundog. Emotional numbness is pretty common after a huge emotional release like that. I've had times where I've woken up in the middle of the night to sob sometimes a few nights but then I'll be emotionally dead for awhile afterwards sometimes even a month or so. I think it's dissociation. I know at least I get to where I'm in so much emotional pain I shutdown in order to survive.
That being said, I'm not Dr. Drew or anything. I'm single AF but if my husband was so upset he was sobbing into a towel in the bathroom I would want to know what was wrong so I could be there for him. If I ever loved anyone that much to be with them it would crush my soul to see them that upset but I would want them to know I was there for them while they got through it and would want to be supportive. Maybe talk to your wife? I know with guys expressing emotions is hard because you're raised to believe it's not masculine to do so but Idk if I had a husband I would want to know what was making him sad and emotionally numb. Ladies know when you all are depressed no matter how well you try to hide it.

 

[SunDog]

Thanks for your reply. You're right. I feel weak and I don't want to worry her because she can't fix it even though she'll scour her brain as to how. I feel like pushing everyone away and nobody needs to see me like that. I will talk to her. I just find it hard to as instinct tells me to hide it and shut it away. Thank you for writing back. I really appreciate it.

 

[EveHarrington]

Feeling safe.

 

[frogthroat]

Thanks for your reply. You're right. I feel weak and I don't want to worry her because she can't fix it...

Oh good. I'm glad that helped. I just know I would be like "Talk to me. Why are you crying? Let me snuggle you." I wouldn't feel guilty about her trying to figure out ways to help you. That's what happens when someone cares about you. They try to help. I'm sure she knows you'll have to work it out in time in your own way but having extra support never hurts.

 

[hithere]

I think (for me) it is preferably to have the emotional times and then the numbness. It needs to leak out a bit at a time. It would great if it was like in the movies where people have this big aha moment and wailing cathartic time. Yeah, that is not how it has worked for me. My self is smart I'm learning and it's how I'm taking care of myself. Trust me, you'll have another moment of intense emotional release. I now use those as times to really process; to really grieve the losses that were never grieved. If I expressed sadness of any kind in my family of original it meant my life was in danger. So I learned at a tiny age to not feel emotions. Well, now that since this therapy I started almost two years ago I now feel feelings of the negative kind and it is so painful. such searing pain. I'm glad or the numbing breaks. If you aren't feeling the happy feelings at all; if you can't feel any good feelings either i would try pencil drawing, water color painting, markers; or making pottery. If you like music try writing a song, I know men who garden and I think the labor of gardening helps them connect to their body and feelings again. Try dancing or martial arts. If you're near the ocean, go into the surf and boogie board. Rock climbing, tree climbing; anything to use your mindless mind and body together. I do things like stand in the middle of room and beat my chest and yell I'm king of jungle or I jump and yell geronimo! really loud. I know it sounds weird, but I have to get my body into strong power moves and reconnect to it. Dog hugging helps. Deep inside there is a little kid who does like to play; so try and let her/him out a bit to play.

 

[SunDog]

I think (for me) it is preferably to have the emotional times and then the numbness. It needs to leak o...

I draw and I got a musical instrument I have sitting there I'd like to learn. And I also have a gym I never get round to using. I guess it's time I engaged in it and did things instead of leaving it to a perfect day that never comes. I really appreciate your reply. Any input is helpful to me as I've let this condition leave me in stagnation for a long time now. So I'll try to get round to doing something positive tomorrow.

I think (for me) it is preferably to have the emotional times and then the numbness. It needs to leak o...

Also, just want to congratulate you on your progress since therapy. I know it's agonising when you do end up feeling it all at once in those bursts. I hope you continue to keep going with it and continue to feel better in time.

Oh good. I'm glad that helped. I just know I would be like "Talk to me. Why are you crying? Let me s...

I always feel like if I show myself in those moments she'll think I'm not stable enough for her to lean on and rely on. And I feel weak and incredibly vulnerable. Even though I know she wouldn't think that it's always how it feels and it's the dialogue in my head. She told me recently she was worried about me because I'm distant and in my own head a lot lately. She said she was worried I didn't love her anymore. It broke my heart to hear that. I love her more than life itself. I feel like if I show her what's going on in my head it's going to drag her down, or like I'd be some kind of emotional vampire. I know it's irrational but it's how it feels.

 

[frogthroat]

I feel like if I show her what's going on in my head it's going to drag her down, or like I'd be some kind of emotional vampire.

I'm sure it's going to bother her that you're upset but she'll probably be relieved that it has nothing to do with her and also that you love her and trust her enough to be vulnerable with her. Seeking emotional support and comfort from your partner in a difficult time isn't being an emotional vampire. She'll still rely on you. You're a human being not a machine and dealing with trauma is extremely difficult to do alone. In fact, I would say it's impossible to do in a healthy way without some outside support. I know it sucks and you're probably embarrassed and anxious about it but I can 100% guarantee that she won't be upset with you or think less of you or any of that. I'm sure she just wants to know what's wrong.

 

[SunDog]

I'm sure it's going to bother her that you're upset but she'll probably be relieved that it has noth...

I will talk to her. I think I needed to hear that. Going to talk to her in the morning when she wakes up. Thank you for everything you said. It really helps.

 

[frogthroat]

I will talk to her. I think I needed to hear that. Going to talk to her in the morning when she wakes up...

No problem. I hope it goes well and you start to feel a little better.