Sufferer Healing from childhood trauma

[ZoeGirl12]

I found this forum from a Google search looking for people in the world who may feel like me. Looking for a sense of "normal" on social media makes me alone, anxious, and depressed.
I was diagnosed with PTSD two years ago after having a mental collapse on NYE 2016. Until that point I didn't even consider that my anxiety, anger, and mood swings could have anything to do with my childhood .
So for the last two years I've been delving into the past. My mom kicked and beat me and my siblings. She hit us with metal spatulas and made us eat our own vomit. She told us she was going to "carve out eyeballs out with a steak knife" regularly. After the physical abuse was much mental and spiritual abuse and manipulation that causes me much anger and mistrust.
My biggest struggle is how much my past effects my relationship. I project my anger and fear onto my girlfriend. I go through long phases where I don't know if I have intimacy issues or if I don't love her. I feel scared of not being able to listen to or trust my intuition.
I would be so happy to hear any feedback or anyone that struggles in similar ways.

 

[Scarlet13]

Oh man, I had an abusive mother. She was diff than yours. Some intense punishments a lot of ridicule and rejection. She let bad things happen to me from the men she dated. Blamed my child hood rape (from a woman neighbor) on me. Yep.

She was very controlling and smothering in a way that had nothing to do with me.
She was also very emotionally and often physically neglectful.
Abusive moms are hard because that is like the core of everything.

 

[Justmehere]

Looking for a sense of "normal" on social media makes me alone, anxious, and depressed.

Don't be too hard on yourself for this... they have done studies and found that just about EVERYONE feels more depressed after being on social media. It's a mind f**k.

You are is good company here. Welcome to the forums.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome. :hug:

 

[bigstrongtree]

Welcome!!!!!!

 

[Moon-as-blue]

Welcome,
I just signed up myself after browsing through and seeing i wasn't alone with my trauma. Knowing is just not enough. Hearing how terrible others lives are or beeing told "I am sorry for you" just doesn't help. I never know if they are honest or if i should tell the People around me at all since i See them every day.

Hard to accept it's just trauma and actually over.

My mother beat us with wooden spoons, combs und what ever she found. She'd always complain about us in public having my sister and me dressed up like little princesses with beautifully braided hair. It makes me sick when i think of it and scared. And unsure ... I know how you must feel. I am going through these feelings myself.. Doubting my feelings, my thaughts, my memories even sometimes, my Intuition, my live.