Relationship Boyfriend with ptsd sent me a documentary... how to respond???

[Freida]

I sent him a long text message saying that I watched it and that I appreciated him sending it to me... That I also admire his strength and courage to have to deal with the aftermath and how brave I think he is for doing what he, and other Marines, had to do.

Well this made me a little teary so I guess it was a great answer!

 

[scout86]

He has said before that one of the reasons why he doesn't like to talk about his time overseas is because he's afraid it'll scare me off and I've reassured him many times that I am in this relationship for the long haul

So, what he did there was pretty brave. He shared a glimpse of what it was like and took a chance on how you'd respond to the information. Personally, I like your response, a LOT. Be sure you let him know he hasn't scared you off just yet.

 

[Aggie]

I might have some unique insight. I'm a ptsd sufferer from extreme childhood abuse. I'm also a published military author, though I've never been in the military. Writing about war has been therapeutic for me. One of my books is a memoir of a soldier from WW2. I got to know many WW2 vets through interviews. They became my friends.

Typically the contact would start like this and would take months to get any useful info. First they would say, "I don't remember". Later (weeks) it would be, "I just don't remember". It would progress to, "OK, here is something for you". They would say something unrelated to combat, but something funny that happened to them non combat related. Eventually, it would after many more weeks, "I fired at a tank. I fired at a enemy position." Eventually it would get to, "I killed....", The progression was the same in every case. There was only one soldier I couldn't get to eventually share.

When the book came out, the soldiers bought a lot of books to give to their relatives and friends. I got to know a number of family members. Basically what they did was say, here is a book. They hoped it would be read. For the soldiers, they told me that is was their way of presenting their story to family they had never told much about other than maybe the first couple of steps I went through. These guys were in their 80s and 90s. It was like popping a big festered pimple for them. Hurt like hell, but it provided relief. The family members mostly said, "I had no idea.."

Some family painfully asked me why they talked to me and not them. A few were really angry about it. Not that the soldiers shared their story, but that they shared it with me.

I would suggest just giving him a note or simply say that you watched it and say, thanks for sharing that. Maybe "I'm sorry you went through that". I would say you understand as it's just like those of us with non combat ptsd, no one can really understand.

My two cents.

 

[Freida]

@Aggie is dead on. I never share the bad military stories with my family or friends. As far as they are concerned it was all rainbows and unicorn farts. The people on this site know more about what my life was like than they do....because I'm anonymous.

Why? Because I can't handle their their issues with my actions.and they will have issues. Maybe sad...maybe angry...maybe condemnation. Who knows. But I don't have the energy to help them feel better about it. And it's not just the military. Most 911/LE/EMS people are the same way with their bad stuff. I already had to live it. Telling you just means I now have to help YOU get over it

And I don't want to.

 

[scout86]

.and they will have issues.

On the one hand, I totally get that way of looking at things. On the other hand........sometimes it's not actually true. And, sometimes, maybe you're depriving someone important of the chance to know who you really are. (Coming from someone who continues to argue with her T that "vulnerability" is a really stupid idea. :confused:)

 

[Freida]

@scout86 yea -- that whole vulnerability thing is way overrated! :D:D:D
I do get that -- letting people in may deepen a relationship. I'm still a long, long way from that though. What I've seen so far is that people say they want to know - but they don't understand what that means. So when you tell them they freak out and you end up taking care of them. And yes - my T nails me on this all the time ....assuming I know how other people will react. But Ive seen it over and over, just from 911. I try to talk to people about what I experienced with some of my calls and --- nope. They say they want to know - until I start talking. Same thing happens if I even try to talk about the stuff that cause my ptsd. I think it is because when we say "bad" it means something that is totally outside the normies world. They just can't understand that kind of evil exists -- and the lengths that someone they know had to go to to survive it is too much. I understand that it hurts them for us and THAT is what they are reacting to --- but I still can't do it. Maybe someday.....

 

[scout86]

What I've seen so far is that people say they want to know - but they don't understand what that means.

(Sigh) Yeah...... I've been thinking about that a lot lately (and this may be WAY off topic). I recently decided to tell 3 family members why I've avoided all the family gatherings I could, since I graduated from high school and actually could. (Reasons don't matter.) I have a bunch of cousins, but these 3 I really like and felt I owed an explanation. Which involved talking about stuff I don't talk about. (And one of them is the older brother of a perp.) You know what? The conversations went amazingly well. Now, these 3 are all older than I am. One was in the Navy and participated in the Cuban missile blockade. One saw combat in Vietnam. The other would have, but he was born with a deformed arm that's never slowed him down much. They all listened. Only one asked any questions and those were that kind of factual "how old were you? how often? etc" questions that I could answer, and that gave him some context. There wasn't any of that feeling of voyeurism I get from most people who say they want to know stuff. It was ok. Hard, but I'm glad they know. Since then, I'm thinking maybe I just need to learn how to read people better. Or, trust my gut better, because I've felt like these guys would be ok. I don't know.

After those conversations, my T kind of went, "Told you so!". I asked how he'd been so darn sure. He said, "Because I know people and I know you." I'm not quite sure I get what he means just yet. But he DID tell me, "You don't have to tell EVERYONE for heaven's sake." So, I think you're right, there are a lot of people out there who think they've got the stomach for stuff they really don't, they just don't know it yet. I've debating what I owe to who and how responsible I am for other people's feelings. I don't actually have the kind of SO relationship the OP was dealing with. Seems to me that makes it more complicated. I wish people were better at knowing their own limits. It seems like "most people" must think talking about stuff helps. (Still don't get that.) So, I guess they think they're helping when they offer to listen. Not realizing how important what happens next can be, and that it opens an whole other can of worms if they freak out & we feel responsible. Although, there's the possibility that the real issue there is us, feeling responsible for things that aren't our responsibility. It really DOES seem complicated!.

 

[Freida]

Although, there's the possibility that the real issue there is us, feeling responsible for things that aren't our responsibility.

yep.:banghead::banghead:
I read somewhere that the possibility of developing ptsd was directly correlated to the support the person had after their trauma. People who had trauma but had supportive family friends, doctors, had a better chance of not getting it that those who had to face it on their own. And as I pop around this site I see that over and over. I'm not sure anyone here had support for a long time afterwards.

@Jay02 I think this is important for you as a supporter because your response has a bigger impact than you (or any one else hearing about the bad things) realizes. That doesn't mean you are the one and only reason he may or may not get ptsd. But rather a topic of conversation about how people are treated when they tell their stories to people who aren't ready to hear them. I think your responses so far have been dead on--- caring but not smothering, offering to talk but not pushing, not horrified by what he had to do. And it is wonderful to see