struggling with self harm after being clean for a while

[ImSad]

Hi all, apologies as this is about to be a pretty long post..
I've really been struggling with self harm lately. A little bit of history... I started self harming (by way of cutting myself; I probably self harmed in other ways before that but less obvious) when I was around 13-14 years old. By the time I was 16, I was self harming on a daily basis, cutting veins, etc. That was around the time that the sexual assault happened and I was also in a very emotionally abusive on-and-off relationship. By the time I was out of high school I had mostly stopped self harming, with the exception of a few rough patches during my sophomore year of college (so around 19-20). I self harmed maybe one time when I was around 22. Mind you, these are all the times I've self harmed by cutting, not including the other ways I seem to self harm (binge eating, not eating, getting worked up and punching things or myself, digging nails into skin, pulling hair, etc.)
I always thought self harm by way of cutting was behind me; I felt like that was something that I couldn't or shouldn't carry into adulthood. I thought that I would just be over my mental illnesses by now, even though up until very recently I hadn't put much effort into it. This was before I found out that I have cptsd. Anyway, fast forward now I am 25, in therapy, really trying to work through my shit for the first time. Shortly after beginning therapy I cut, maybe about a month or so in. I felt so awful and guilty about it but did disclose it to my t. Now, about 6 or so months into therapy, I had another trip up with cutting. The punching/hair pulling/binge eating have also gotten worse since starting therapy.
So I cut last week, and ever since then it's all that's been on my mind. When I cut, or punch or pull hair, it's usually the result of anxiety that's built up way too much. It's as if my entire nervous system has gone into overdrive and I physically can't restrain myself from being self destructive. In the moment, that's the only thing that will ground me. So usually since I typically feel pretty irritable and angry during these bouts of intense anxiety, I will turn to punching as a way to get the rage out and hurt myself. But last time this happened it was pretty late at night, and I have roommates, so I had to keep things quiet. So I cut instead. It obviously did the trick. But ever since then, cutting has been on my mind. Even when I'm not in an intensely anxious state. I feel like I just want to for some reason... it's like it was back in my teens, where cutting was just a habitual part of my day. I haven't done it since the last big anxiety attack about a week ago, and I hope that I won't, but I am just really concerned about this. I am concerned that it's on my mind so much after being mostly clean from it for years. Does anyone know why it may be on my mind so much now, even in the absence of the intense anxiety? Does anyone have any tips for beating the intrusive self harm thoughts/urges? I've been okay for now, but I'm just not sure how much longer I can trust myself not to cut when it's on my mind so constantly...

 

[Friday]

Does anyone know why it may be on my mind so much now, even in the absence of the intense anxiety?

Because it worked.

Until you find / start using other things that work? It will most likely stay there.

So usually since I typically feel pretty irritable and angry during these bouts of intense anxiety, I will turn to punching as a way to get the rage out and hurt myse

Buy a heavy bag. And hand protection (tape, gloves, etc.). And take boxing lessons or kick boxing lessons. Turn hitting things as a last explosive resort, with either no technique or designed to hurt yourself, into a healthy daily exercise habit / blowing off steam & keeping your stress lowered overall.. WITH... a safe way to explosively blow off temper when you spike up.

Just hitting things? Is a terrible habit to teach yourself. It’s total loss of control for one, and unsustainable, for two.

Going about it in a methodical, disciplined, way designed to protect your hands long term? Won’t be pain free. & You will still get a huge dump of calming adrenaline. But you’ll also be teaching yourself discipline & self control.

 

[Deanna]

You need someone around and also feel alone most of the time. Having someone around is calming. I have a cat as well.I've never cut but have done the binge eating. Medication really helps.

Does anyone know why it may be on my mind so much now, even in the absence of the intense anxiety?

Obessive compulsive

I'm just not sure how much longer I can trust myself not to cut when it's on my mind so constantly...

I also stay on this forum ( signed in) so I feel connected. I feel like I have friends that way. I have to trick my brain by being opposite. Humans need other humans. Let yourself be vulnerable by participation.

 

[Joan]

So sorry that you are struggling. Self harm typically escalates...I know it seems odd when there is so much shame around it, but once you feel that releaseI it keeps pulling at you. have you worked on other coping skills? I too have struggled with this, but have been ok for a few years. Be kind to yourself. Keep talking to your T about it. Try to find some other things that help give you some release...i.e kick boxing, breaking something, throwing paint, batting a ball. etc. Take sweet care of yourself

 

[ImSad]

Thank you for your replies, everyone.

@Friday i think the kickboxing classes are a good suggestion. I never realized how out of control my punching things was until very recently. I will have to look into them and see the cost. I have extremely limited disposable income, so it may not be feasible if it will only add more stress in the financial department. I do belong to a gym though, so I guess I’ll see what all they offer in terms of classes and such. And you are right, cutting worked for grounding so I guess it makes sense it’s on my mind so much even in the absence of the intense anxiety feelings.

@Deanna's Gap I am almost always with my partner as we live together. So unless one of us is at work, we are pretty much always together. We also have a cat. I guess I still feel pretty alone most of the time. When I had that intense anxiety meltdown that led to cutting last week, I was laying in bed with my partner and our cat as the anxiety kept building and I eventually left the room to go to the bathroom to deal alone and be self destructive.

This forum has helped. I find myself coming here a lot and just reading through threads when I’m overwhelmed and stuck in my mind. It helps a lot to know I’m not alone in the things I feel and go through.



@Joan I actually haven’t worked much on other coping skills with this t. I don’t always talk to my t about my other ways of self harming — usually just the cutting when it comes up, which has been twice now, several months apart. She says that she’s not scared of the self harm parts, and that they make sense since they are trying to ground me when everything is too overwhelming. I think I will talk to her next week about finding some alternative coping skills and let her know that it’s been in my mind more often than in the past.