Wife of Retired NYPD 9/11 First Responder

[copswifenow]

With 9/11 approaching, my husband (married for 4 years and his 15 year son lives with us), who has PTSD, has been having horrible nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, and hyper-vigilance. He is also taking all of this out on me. I went away on a girls' weekend the beginning of May with my high school girlfriends, one of whom is a recent cancer survivor, and he is accusing me of cheating that weekend and up until this day. I work and he says that I am doing sexual things with everyone at work and the office building. He is nice to everyone but me. He is condescending, manipulative, and nasty to me calling me horrible things. I know this is a very difficult time for him; however, I am at a complete loss at what to do and I am mentally exhausted. Why does he treat me like this and does anyone have suggestions on how to cope and not take this personally?

 

[Never_falter2]

Hello and welcome to this board. Is your husband like this or just now because he is very stressed because of this anniversary coming up?

 

[copswifenow]

Hello and welcome to this board. Is your husband like this or just now because he is very stressed because of this anniversary coming up?

He becomes like this when he gets stressed and triggers set him off. It gets worse as the anniversary comes up.

 

[Never_falter2]

I see. How often does this happen?

 

[EveHarrington]

Cheaters oftentimes accuse their partner of cheating when it is they themselves who are the one engaging in an affair.

 

[Sweetpea76]

He started accusing you in May? Or did he just start accusing you recently as his trauma anniversary gets closer?

Either way it's B.S.

Does he get any treatment?

 

[copswifenow]

He started accusing you in May? Or did he just start accusing you recently as his trauma anniversary gets closer?

Either way it's B.S.

Does he get any treatment?

He started accusing me in May and then dropped it and life was "normal". As it is getting closer to the anniversary, he is full on. He finds fault with every little thing I do. He is struggling very badly this upcoming anniversary. Yes, he is getting treatment. I believe he is just lashing out at me because I am the safe haven.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Just because he is lashing out at you doesn't mean you have to stand there and take it. Don't engage. Leave the room if he starts in with his nonsense.

 

[copswifenow]

Just because he is lashing out at you doesn't mean you have to stand there and take it. Don't engage. Leave the room if he starts in with his nonsense.

I've been working on doing that and not engaging. I've gotten to the point where I don't take it personally; but wondering if this is his coping mechanism for all the horrors he's going through with the PTSD. Was wondering if other spouses go through the same things and how they manage it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Lashing out seems to be a fairly common reaction to stress. My partner has combat PTSD, and he tends to lash out verbally as well. I've learned not to engage or indulge. You'll make yourself nuts if you try to defend yourself when they're being irrational. It seems the quickest way to nip it in the bud is to set that boundary ... "I love you, but I won't be spoken to like this. I'll be more than happy to talk when you've calmed down." Then exit the situation. Every time.

Trying to reason or argue is like throwing gasoline on a fire. You know his accusations are baseless... he probably does too deep down. If he wants to beat that dead horse he can beat it in a room by himself. It's not worth your sanity as well.

 

[copswifenow]

Lashing out seems to be a fairly common reaction to stress. My partner has combat PTSD, and he tends to lash out verbally as well. I've learned not to engage or indulge. You'll make yourself nuts if you try to defend yourself when they're being irrational. It seems the quickest way to nip it in the bud is to set that boundary ... "I love you, but I won't be spoken to like this. I'll be more than happy to talk when you've calmed down." Then exit the situation. Every time.

Trying to reason or argue is like throwing gasoline on a fire. You know his accusations are baseless... he probably does too deep down. If he wants to beat that dead horse he can beat it in a room by himself. It's not worth your sanity as well.

Thanks for your thoughts. Sorry you are going through the verbal lashing out.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm sorry you're going through all the accusations. Make sure you're taking care of yourself hon. When they're symptomatic it's easy to get on the crazy train with them and ride that sucker around and around. Don't get sucked in.