Hate...Anger...Madness...Upset...Irritated.... It is all the same to me.

[ILoveLife]

I think the first step of change is wanting to change. The rest follows if we work on it :hug:

 

[LilyRose]

Can you be honest with me?

Do I actually help anyone?

I get the feeling that people just disregard what I say so I’m wasting my time trying to help.

Yes you do @EveHarrington , you've helped me.
Yeah you can be blunt, but you're honest. I do like you. I value your opinion.
Taking a minute, breathe before reacting is a good idea. I have to do that too sometimes.
I just don't reply a lot other then in my own diary because i am a mess and have nothing good to say.

 

[Elef]

Chiming in to say that I like you Eve. You are honest. I like that trait. And you are also kind.

And you have helped me too...I mostly just read the forum without joining in...but I often gain something from your posts.

 

[Justmehere]

People sometimes hang on to a distorted belief because it brings them a gain, or benefit. This benefit can be real or just perceived, but it can sometimes be important to recognize that “benefit.”

I’ll give an example from my own life:

I have struggled with the belief that I’m terrible and I deserved abuse. If I think this, I don’t have to take responsibility for the reality that I’m valuable, and I don’t have to grieve that the abuse was undeserved and out of my control. I avoided pain.

To get out of the pattern, I had to do a lot of CBT, and find other ways to get out of pain.

Your cognitive distortion that another’s irritability = hate = end to relationship = you don’t have to do anything... this thinking brings you a “benefit.”

That benefit is your belief that you don’t have to do anything and whatever that brings for you. Perhaps less stress by believing you are powerless and the quality of relationships in your life is beyond your control. Or maybe the benefit is that you dont have to set boundaries or continue contact or tolerate the distress one can feel when face that sometimes people irritate each other in a relationship.
If perceived irritability in another = something other than hate/an end to the relationship, then what does that mean for you? You are the best to answer this question.

If sending that someone is irritable but that’s not grounds to bolt and run, you might have to do the work of finding out more information about if the person is irritable, what they are irritable about, if it is actually you, navigating that uncomfortable space and figuring out if you need to change something or if you need tolerate the distress you might feel about someone else being annoyed.

The benefit of those new actions will be that you’ll move from a state of learned helplessness about relationships to a place of more empowerment and much better relationships.

You’ve posted a bit about really wanting to stay out of co dependent relationships, and I think that’s really great. This topic is very related. Much of the path out of codependent patterns will mean taking your power and responsibility back. Thats the way to keep others from trying to take all the responsibility for rescuing you. That’s the hard truth about it. But, you’ve already made a few changes, and the quality of your relationship with a partner is changing.

It can get even better.

People being irritated with each other is uncomfortable, but it doesn’t have to be a all or nothing end to a relationship. People, and friendships, tend to be a mix of good and bad. By leaning to sort out and challenge core beliefs, and addressing the “benefit” you gain from the distorted thoughts, this pattern can shitt

I hope you check out the links @Friday posted and try it out.

 

[PreciousChild]

You've helped me too, @EveHarrington . I appreciate your authentic answers.

This is really insightful. Thanks, @Justmehere

People sometimes hang on to a distorted belief because it brings them a gain, or benefit. This benefit can be real or just perceived, but it can sometimes be important to recognize that “benefit.”

I’ll give an example from my own life:

I have struggled with the belief that I’m terrible and I deserved abuse. If I think this, I don’t have to take responsibility for the reality that I’m valuable, and I don’t have to grieve that the abuse was undeserved and out of my control. I avoided pain.

To get out of the pattern, I had to do a lot of CBT, and find other ways to get out of pain.

Your cognitive distortion that another’s irritability = hate = end to relationship = you don’t have to do anything... this thinking brings you a “benefit.”

That benefit is your belief that you don’t have to do anything and whatever that brings for you. Perhaps less stress by believing you are powerless and the quality of relationships in your life is beyond your control. Or maybe the benefit is that you dont have to set boundaries or continue contact or tolerate the distress one can feel when face that sometimes people irritate each other in a relationship.
If perceived irritability in another = something other than hate/an end to the relationship, then what does that mean for you? You are the best to answer this question.

If sending that someone is irritable but that’s not grounds to bolt and run, you might have to do the work of finding out more information about if the person is irritable, what they are irritable about, if it is actually you, navigating that uncomfortable space and figuring out if you need to change something or if you need tolerate the distress you might feel about someone else being annoyed.

The benefit of those new actions will be that you’ll move from a state of learned helplessness about relationships to a place of more empowerment and much better relationships.

You’ve posted a bit about really wanting to stay out of co dependent relationships, and I think that’s really great. This topic is very related. Much of the path out of codependent patterns will mean taking your power and responsibility back. Thats the way to keep others from trying to take all the responsibility for rescuing you. That’s the hard truth about it. But, you’ve already made a few changes, and the quality of your relationship with a partner is changing.

It can get even better.

People being irritated with each other is uncomfortable, but it doesn’t have to be a all or nothing end to a relationship. People, and friendships, tend to be a mix of good and bad. By leaning to sort out and challenge core beliefs, and addressing the “benefit” you gain from the distorted thoughts, this pattern can shitt

I hope you check out the links @Friday posted and try it out.

I wanted to share that when I was younger, the primary feeling I got from people was hate when I got triggered. I can only imagine how bizarre my behavior probably was. But one of my best memories is once when I was at work, I just got that automatic knowledge that everyone in the room despised and hated me, so I was just slinking along the walls so that I wouldn't rile anyone up. This very talkative co-worker started chatting with me about nothing much when it dawned on me that maybe just maybe the hate wasn't completely total. At one point, he stopped chatting all of a sudden, and just gave me a hug. I guess he sensed my sadness. I just stood there frozen because it was this splash of cold water in my face that maybe it wasn't true that I wasn't so globally hated.

I think I felt hate, rather than anger or irritation because hate is personal. Anger or irritation can be caused by a bad mood or hunger, but that person hating me is definitely about me, and it is directed against me and not just an emotion one feels. I was intensely self-hating too. Ptsd is a reaction to the threat of survival - I experienced my dad's sadistic punishments as a threat of self-annihilation, which I experienced as hate and not merely about his being angry.

 

[Changing4Best]

You know, I do the same thing. If anyone gets mad at me, or any of those similar emotions, I think they hate me too. I never really thought about it. I never recognized this about myself. Nor do I hate them for "hating me." (I use quotes there, because likely they don't hate me, it is just how I have perceived it). I really have to do some thinking about this!

So sorry to read you have had a new sexual assault @EveHarrington

 

[chiara vietto]

. I’m not sure how people make friends here, but I do notice that most people have friend groups.

This way of thinking reminds me very much of my Ex (I came in this forum as a supporter my ex husband has cptsd).
You are overanalyzing how other people make friends and you noticed that other people hear more popular and make more friends..
My ex was always complaining that he didn't know how to make friends and told to one of my friends that he was trying to get better by watching other people's behavior and try to imitate them (other people that in his opinion were more popular than him and better at making friends).
First of all he used to have friends, but he pushed them all away for one reason or another..even his best friends from college or high school..
So all I wanted to say that you shouldn't worry about how other people make friends and also you shouldn't think that other people are more popular and have more friends than you...

Even if I changed right now and only made cuddly replies, it’s too late, the damage is done.

But you should try to change this way of thinking (maybe with the help of your therapist)....it's never too late ..opinions can change and damage can be repair..
Okay, some people are just not worth your time..and it is okay to let go of those..
But for example after my Ex went completely nuts on me ...and pushed me away after 20 years, I was very lonely as my xhusband had pushed most of our friends away ..and as a result we were very isolated..
However, when I reach to people in a honest way, I was able to reconnect with some old friends ...actually the most unlikely people were there for me..
To my surprise some of our old neighbor
that my ex husband always considered nusty, actually were very nice and told me that they remembered me and wanted be in touch with me..
I wanted to say one more things about groups of friends ..sometimes it is better to have few good friends that they like you than a bunch of fake friends

 

[blackemerald1]

"Friend groups" here ..on this forum Eve? How and where? I must be really blind hey.

You also know you are blunt and that it isn't well received by some members. So why are you surprised? On some occasions your bluntness is really very funny and all that is needed. Sometimes it's not. But you are definitely a part of this community and very much accepted and valued.

We can all manage our behaviour - particularly here and when responding because we are people of like ilk and our fingers do the talking with preview and post buttons...down there ↘↘↘↘

So we can walk away when feeling a bit ugly, say what we believe and reap the consequences or consider the feelings and behaviours of others before we hit the reply button.

Are you feeling a bit down? :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you feeling a bit down?

Just a bit.

I’m off my meds as they were messing up my breathing.

My GP, the ER doc, and the urgent care doc all day it’s not asthma but asthma treatments are helping. (Breathing still sucks). On the plus side, I had one of my best orgasms ever and now my lungs feel almost normal again. Go figure.

My med choices are now limited. I’ll be off the old med for awhile at least until my lungs clear up. There are few other options available at this point.

So yes, I’m stressed.

Still struggling with the exposure incident as well.

 

[blackemerald1]

On the plus side, I had one of my best orgasms ever and now my lungs feel almost normal again. Go figure.

See!! ^^ :hilarious: :roflmao:

"Orgasm cures asthma" ... I see the headline's now :)

:hug:

 

[shatter eyes]

Can you be honest with me?

Do I actually help anyone?

I get the feeling that people just disregard what I say so I’m wasting my time trying to help.

Yes u do help people and i am ine of them. Your posts and replies always help me reflect. I see you with much wisdom. You share your thoughts and that to me is a piece of wisdom to my own puzzle. YES YOU DO HELP!

 

[DharmaGirl]

I love your no bullshit replies. I would rather know what you are thinking, and get real advice than get sympathy. You go on being you and learning how to like you. I like you, but it is only you liking you that will help this.