Relationship BF has PTSD and fights have been escalating - devastated and don't know what to do

[MiaEvie25]

My bf and I have been dating around 5 years. Almost 2 years ago (it'll be 2 years in November), he was badly beaten by a dirty undercover cop. I was there and witnessed the whole thing - he comes from a good family and has never been in trouble before. The incident was horrible and he has some brain damage from the beating. Before the incident, he was very calm and loving and we had a great relationship. There were some problems, but we seemed to be able to manage them.

After the incident happened, he's completely changed. I've been there for him as much as I can. I testified at his criminal case (he was found not guilty), was emotionally there for him, and cleaned for him as much as I could. However, as time has passed, I've become resentful of cleaning for him and the impact it's had on our relationship. His place is unsanitary, not just messy- messy I can deal with. Food left out everywhere, garbage not thrown out. He rarely showers or leaves his place. He plays video games all day to escape his depression. I have started telling him that If I'm going to come over to visit him (we don't live together) he needs to clean our hang out area, at the very least. However, he rarely does this and I walk into his place and it's filthy and I become upset with him. Sometimes I'll start cleaning for him just so I can hang out there and not feel completely disgusted. Other times I will say nothing and try to suck it up. Then there are the times when I feel angry about the whole thing so I'll voice my frustration and he says I'm attacking him and "on his case." He's going to therapy and EMDR and we have a couple's therapist, but I don't see a lot of changes in his behavior. He says he's getting better, but I'm having trouble seeing it.

Recently, we've been fighting a lot more and he's started throwing things around. One time he smashed a chair into the floor. The fight we had a few days ago was horrible. I came over and he played video games for a few hours and I started getting frustrated, telling him that I didn't come over to sit in the background while he plays video games. I wasn't that nice about it and I realize this. However, I didn't call him names or scream at him I was just very direct and frustrated. He completely snapped and threw around an end table with glass on the top and glass went flying everywhere. He punched a hole through his wall and also grabbed my purse out of my hand and threw it across the room. I felt scared for both of our safety. Then, he curled up on the floor and was sobbing saying he can't do this anymore and said he wanted to off himself. He also said, as he's said when this has happened before, that I pushed him to do this and that he wouldn't have done this if I didn't push him.

I eventually left - I didn't want to because I was worried about him, but he insisted as he said he wasn't sure what he was capable of. He was right to insist, I know that, but it tears me up inside that I left when he was in such a bad condition. I emailed his mom and close friend and told them to please check up on him because I've very worried. His friend was nasty and said that I shouldn't have left him and that contacting his mom was a horrible thing to do.
I feel in my heart that I had to let his mom know, but I still feel tremendous guilt from 1) pushing him to do this by again voicing my frustrations with our relationship 2) telling his mom and close friend. I guess I'm wondering what everyone else's take is on this as the guilt is eating away at me. Some moments I feel as if I did what I had to do. I had no way of knowing if he was going to hurt himself or not. Other moments I feel terrible at that possibility that I handled it in the wrong way.

 

[Sweetpea76]

First things first.

You're not responsible for another person's mental health.

You didn't "make him" have a meltdown. He melted down because HE couldn't manage HIS own shit. He had a toddler-style tantrum because he couldn't handle stressors.

All you did was call him on some crappy behavior. That is a totally normal thing to do. Life is full of stressors like this. It's not your job to remove all stress and responsibility from his life. Part of getting better is learning how to manage things like this. That's stuff he has to work on. You can't help that along.

No amount of tiptoeing is going to make his behavior any better. There is no magic way of handling this.

 

[MiaEvie25]

First things first.

You're not responsible for another person's mental health.

You didn't "make him" have a meltdown. He melted down because HE couldn't manage HIS own shit. He had a toddler-style tantrum because he couldn't handle stressors.

All you did was call him on some crappy behavior. That is a totally normal thing to do. Life is full of stressors like this. It's not your job to remove all stress and responsibility from his life. Part of getting better is learning how to manage things like this. That's stuff he has to work on. You can't help that along.

No amount of tiptoeing is going to make his behavior any better. There is no magic way of handling this.

Logically I know this...what you said...

First things first.

You're not responsible for another person's mental health.

You didn't "make him" have a meltdown. He melted down because HE couldn't manage HIS own shit. He had a toddler-style tantrum because he couldn't handle stressors.

All you did was call him on some crappy behavior. That is a totally normal thing to do. Life is full of stressors like this. It's not your job to remove all stress and responsibility from his life. Part of getting better is learning how to manage things like this. That's stuff he has to work on. You can't help that along.

No amount of tiptoeing is going to make his behavior any better. There is no magic way of handling this.

Logically I know he's responsible for his own behavior, yet the emotional side of me keeps asking myself if he would have done this if I hadn't started arguing with him about our relationship, and that always gets me. He may not have. However, he probably shouldn't be in a relationship if he's not able to have an argument without blowing up.

 

[Friday]

yet the emotional side of me keeps asking myself if he would have done this if I hadn't started arguing with him about our relationship, and that always gets me.

When you’re dating someone you WILL disagree, argue, and hurt them on accident.

That’s just part of being human.

So you need to ask yourself IF you’re willing to stop being human? To never disagree, argue, or do anything on accident?

Because if you blame yourself / he blames you for his reaction... that’s what you’re asking of yourself. To NEVER, in any way, piss him off.

Does that make more gut-sense?

There’s a difference between dealing with PTSD / minding your timing because stress... and NEVER in any way upsetting them. That’s demanding a God-Mode level of “perfection” in both of you. That the two of you will not only never disagree, never fight, never have difficulties... but also never oops your timing, your words, your actions. Never be sick and cranky/spacey, never say something grumpy in the morning, never forget something important, never change your mind about something, never be sad when the other person is happy, never be excited when the other is tired, never in any way have any kind of conflict.

Dealing with PTSD is often like dealing with a toddler or a teenager. Self control gets iffy, and overreactions are expected.

As a PARENT
- I don’t let episodes stand
- It’s my responsibility to TEACH self control, not let tantrums and stupidity run rampant.
- I don’t blame myself for their loss of control
- I do mind my timing (an overtired toddler isn’t going to do well at the store, the store can wait, or I can get a sitter // with PTSD that means I may go out with my girlfriends or cancel plans, rather than dragging my symptomatic Beau out with me).

As a Partner (what’s different)
- It is NOT my responsibility to teach self control.

As someone with PTSD
- It IS my responsibility to learn / exercise self control.

See the paradigm switch, there?

When it’s a child in your care, you are responsible to teach them how to behave no matter how upset they are, and to also grade their reactions in the first place. 1. not throwing yourself or your belongings around the room = behavior 2. Not even wanting to, because your coping mechanisms & emotional monitoring/regulation are kicking in. You’re not homicidal over someone taking your toy, or eating the last cookie, at 3 the way you were at 2 kind of thing. You’ll get your toy back, there will be more cookies. Disappointment doesn’t equal blind rage or despair. Appropriate reactions, both in your head/heart, and with your actions. From start to finish. It’s a parent’s JOB to teach those things, but even so, it’s not the parents fault the kid is losing it whilst they learn them. Kids throw tantrums. They just do. Often times because of something you did, that they didn’t like. That doesn’t mean their tantrum is your fault. Much less that you should never do anything that will upset them. Upset is part of life. As is learning how to deal with it in an appropriate way.

When you are both adults, the person losing control is responsible. It is not the other person’s fault or responsiblity that they got upset. Upset happens. As an adult it is each of our OWN responsibilities to mind our behaviors. Whether that means exercising self control, or relearning it. It’s not anyone else’s job to do that for us.

But whether they’re 2, 16, or PTSD?
- I don’t let episodes stand.
- I don’t blame myself for their loss of control.
- I do mind my timing.

 

[Ronin]

Reading through (and I tend to be very you in my relationships, giving passes and excuses until I recognize them for what they are, behavior and choices)... I do not think you did wrong.

He could have had a meltdown... and do a million things that were endangering neither of you. He chose to express his outrage that way, and you do not have to be around someone who will get physically violent.

The way I am reading it, you were not arguing and putting blame... you asked for accountability in a space and time you thought will go over well. You are well within rights for asking those basics.

You called a parent he has supposedly good relationship with (or enough they are on speaking terms and she is an emergency contact, anyway)... that is not wrong. You did not call someone he hates, you did not call someone who will hurt him, you did not call any relatives that may have been abusive to him, nor friends that will tell him to suck it up and f*ck off, you did not call the cops or paramedics. You called HIS MUM. And a friend that cares for him, even if they go the wrong way about it where you are concerned. A friend that automatically takes his side, fighting for him when he is down.

That is caring choices. Thoughtful choices. And where I am standing, completely suitable and condonable choices.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

I think you have to take care of you. You don't need this shite. Your boyfriend doesn't like or love his self right now. So how can he love you. I think time apart is necessary.

 

[MiaEvie25]

When you’re dating someone you WILL disagree, argue, and hurt them on accident.

That’s just part of being human.

So you need to ask yourself IF you’re willing to stop being human? To never disagree, argue, or do anything on accident?

Because if you blame yourself / he blames you for his reaction... that’s what you’re asking of yourself. To NEVER, in any way, piss him off.

Does that make more gut-sense?

There’s a difference between dealing with PTSD / minding your timing because stress... and NEVER in any way upsetting them. That’s demanding a God-Mode level of “perfection” in both of you. That the two of you will not only never disagree, never fight, never have difficulties... but also never oops your timing, your words, your actions. Never be sick and cranky/spacey, never say something grumpy in the morning, never forget something important, never change your mind about something, never be sad when the other person is happy, never be excited when the other is tired, never in any way have any kind of conflict.

Dealing with PTSD is often like dealing with a toddler or a teenager. Self control gets iffy, and overreactions are expected.

As a PARENT
- I don’t let episodes stand
- It’s my responsibility to TEACH self control, not let tantrums and stupidity run rampant.
- I don’t blame myself for their loss of control
- I do mind my timing (an overtired toddler isn’t going to do well at the store, the store can wait, or I can get a sitter // with PTSD that means I may go out with my girlfriends or cancel plans, rather than dragging my symptomatic Beau out with me).

As a Partner (what’s different)
- It is NOT my responsibility to teach self control.

As someone with PTSD
- It IS my responsibility to learn / exercise self control.

See the paradigm switch, there?

When it’s a child in your care, you are responsible to teach them how to behave no matter how upset they are, and to also grade their reactions in the first place. 1. not throwing yourself or your belongings around the room = behavior 2. Not even wanting to, because your coping mechanisms & emotional monitoring/regulation are kicking in. You’re not homicidal over someone taking your toy, or eating the last cookie, at 3 the way you were at 2 kind of thing. You’ll get your toy back, there will be more cookies. Disappointment doesn’t equal blind rage or despair. Appropriate reactions, both in your head/heart, and with your actions. From start to finish. It’s a parent’s JOB to teach those things, but even so, it’s not the parents fault the kid is losing it whilst they learn them. Kids throw tantrums. They just do. Often times because of something you did, that they didn’t like. That doesn’t mean their tantrum is your fault. Much less that you should never do anything that will upset them. Upset is part of life. As is learning how to deal with it in an appropriate way.

When you are both adults, the person losing control is responsible. It is not the other person’s fault or responsiblity that they got upset. Upset happens. As an adult it is each of our OWN responsibilities to mind our behaviors. Whether that means exercising self control, or relearning it. It’s not anyone else’s job to do that for us.

But whether they’re 2, 16, or PTSD?
- I don’t let episodes stand.
- I don’t blame myself for their loss of control.
- I do mind my timing.

Thank you, this is extremely helpful and makes more "gut sense." I have trouble setting boundaries and knowing when to draw the line, so establishing clear boundaries and knowing what is/isn't my responsibility really takes the edge of my anxiety as if makes me feel more in control of my life.

I feel like I have to tiptoe around his emotions and I'm very bad at holding back what's on my mind. It's also not sustainable and eventually backfires, as I've noticed suppressing things for too long causes me to become even more resentful and angry.

 

[MiaEvie25]

Reading through (and I tend to be very you in my relationships, giving passes and excuses until I recognize them for what they are, behavior and choices)... I do not think you did wrong.

He could have had a meltdown... and do a million things that were endangering neither of you. He chose to express his outrage that way, and you do not have to be around someone who will get physically violent.

The way I am reading it, you were not arguing and putting blame... you asked for accountability in a space and time you thought will go over well. You are well within rights for asking those basics.

You called a parent he has supposedly good relationship with (or enough they are on speaking terms and she is an emergency contact, anyway)... that is not wrong. You did not call someone he hates, you did not call someone who will hurt him, you did not call any relatives that may have been abusive to him, nor friends that will tell him to suck it up and f*ck off, you did not call the cops or paramedics. You called HIS MUM. And a friend that cares for him, even if they go the wrong way about it where you are concerned. A friend that automatically takes his side, fighting for him when he is down.

That is caring choices. Thoughtful choices. And where I am standing, completely suitable and condonable choices.

Your response really touched me (getting all emotional reading it) maybe because you said you tend to be like me in relationships. Thank you for your feedback.

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you in the USA?

If so, when you are concerned for his safety, you can call the police to do a wellness check. The police will try their darnedness to get him to go to the ER for a professional evaluation if they see fit. It should NOT be up to you or a friend or his mom to watch him and make sure he is ok.

As a partner the extent of your help is to just get him to the people who can help him best, ie when in crisis.

I seriously roll my eyes when people (not you) make remarks about staying up all night with someone in crisis in order to save them because this is NOT helping behavior, this is codependent enabling behavior. Please don’t ever think it’s your job to “babysit” him. It’s not.

 

[MiaEvie25]

Thanks everyone for your comments. I haven't seen him since and need to leave him. I talked to him last night and he blames me partially for triggering the PTSD episode and also says that he PTSD episodes are not within his control. He told me to remember when we talked to our therapist about me using a calm, peaceful voice so as not to trigger him. I get my behavior could have been better, but I was not screaming at him or calling him names. I was complaining about his video game playing and how we aren't doing anything together.

I told him I asked a lot of people (including my therapist) and they said his actions are on him, not me, and that he is responsible for his own behavior. He said he can't be responsible because he doesn't even remember the full details of the episode and that all of the feedback I got was from people who don't have PTSD and that we don't understand. When he snapped, he said he even recorded the incident to remind him what happened.

The whole thing is really offputting and honestly, he got into my head when I spoke with him. I don't think I should even talk to him. It's breaking my heart because I love him so much, but this is ridiculous.

 

[Ronin]

Oh now he is not responsible because he... does not.... remember that?

Riight.
That is the more reasons to not stick with him, not less.
Because not only he is making excuses, but if it is true, it is more danger to you, not less.

(And I am not quite buying that. I have a severe dissociative disorder, along side. I do not remember a wide variety of things people take for automatic. When I was a mess to other people and how I treated them though is not one of them. )

 

[MiaEvie25]

Oh now he is not responsible because he... does not.... remember that?

Riight.
That is the more reasons to not stick with him, not less.
Because not only he is making excuses, but if it is true, it is more danger to you, not less.

(And I am not quite buying that. I have a severe dissociative disorder, alongside. I do not remember a wide variety of things people take for automatic. When I was a mess to other people and how I treated them though is not one of them. )

He says he doesn't remember saying he wants to "off himself" or remember the details of the episode. He described watching the episode and said he looked like something from The Exorcist . And that I share some responsibility and contributed to it because I am on his case and not calm enough. I know it sounds ridiculous, but now I'm doubting myself. I think I need to join some sort of support group and am looking into that.

If he truly isn't himself and isn't in control and doesn't remember anything...that's not making it better. What if he had gone further?