How do you dispell thoughts that tell you you deserved your abuse?

[bellbird]

I feel like today a switch has been flicked in my brain and I suddenly feel overwhelmingly like I deserved every single element of my abuse.
The rape. The drugging. The poisoning. The gaslighting. And all the verbal, psychological and emotional abusive shit he threw at me.

Before now my mind was pretty apt at putting a positive spin on all the things he did to me. That he was helping me. That I should be grateful for the things he did to me.
*Except for the rape; even my twisted mind couldn't convince me how restraining someone and raping them could possibly help them.

But this is different. These thoughts have no rose coloured veil. They acknowledge the pain and humiliation and powerlessness and panic and fear of those memories, and then stamp me into the ground as they tell me (I tell me) that I deserved every one of those experiences and emotions and more.


Has anyone else experienced similar? And/or found ways to lessen these thoughts? They're hitting me pretty hard rn. Thanks in advance.

 

[somerandomguy]

First: IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. It wasn't your fault in any way, shape, or form. You are entirely blameless.

But to answer your question: I think this is something many, many, many of us go through.

I think it's your traumabrain clutching desperately at any straw it can find so that you are able to keep up the pretense that you had some kind of control over the situation. No one wants to feel completely helpless in any situation, much less a life-and-death abuse situation like yours.

But the fact is that there's literally nothing you could have done. You were with a horrible psychopath who wanted to hurt you.

Unfortunately there's no quick path to believing that you weren't to blame. You have to think about it and try the idea on for size. You have to hear it from the people you trust and the people that support you. Eventually you WILL believe it. Your traumabrain is going to fight against the idea, but that's the trauma trying to trick you.

Eventually your disbelief will turn to anger and grief. You're not to blame. It was not your fault.

 

[Ronin]

Yeah.

And truths about not deserving it do not cut nearly deep enough, especially not if that I did was reinforced from multiple sources and for a very long time. (Even though I know they are true, and most of the time would even tell others the same, because it is something I am not confused about.)

I try for humor and appeal to authority.
As in, I respect my friends heckuva lot more than those pansies, and respect is enough to draw the line (love is complicated; still love some of those assholes, deeply. But I do not respect them one bit.). So: My friend so and so said you are dirt, I do not deserve it? ... works in my head.

And humor: ... hilarious revenges. Which reduces the stress about complicated ties I feel about it whole (and the trauma, and the way they are duelling or compounding each other.) Boom. The whole thing just became sent to space boogeyman. You can pick your asteroid.

 

[shimmerz]

I imagined myself telling one of my children that an abuse was their fault. Couldn't even picture it. So I flipped it around to myself. If I wouldn't accuse my kids then how the hell could I possibly blame myself?

For me, it stopped that phase dead in its tracks.

 

[Abstract]

I think the self blame can come from a lot of different functions. Like the control somerandomguy mentioned. One of them is that the aggressor acts are made to deposit hate, rage, shame, humiliation over us and somehow as a result we take that up after. They are trying to be rid of it and give it to us. Its theirs not ours. But giving it back to them (metaphorically) can be so so hard. Not keeping ownership of it. Experiencing these things and truly knowing you didn't deserve it and didn't cause it can be confusing and overwhelming on so many levels. And sometimes it can be a little like being indoctrinated. Repetition. Being taught. We have to teach ourselves something different which is hard as intense situations sink in. Their behaviour relates to their shame pain and all the rest. The blame. Not you. But, yes, I relate. And as trauma symptoms increase so does it usually. Toxic.

 

[piratelady]

I had this epiphany a week or two ago where I finally figured it out and truly believed it wasn’t my fault!

Now, at time I’ve actually gone back over it again because I’m convinced it has to be my fault, there is simply no other option. How can it not be?

I guess the moral of my story is, once you get there, you also have to learn how to stay there. Or maybe I was never there in the first place.

 

[ILoveLife]

I've gotten out of that, by reminding myself constantly that I couldn't actually choose any of that. That even if I was completely bonkers asking for it, it wouldn't be a sound of mind option at all, would it? Can I really blame myself for it then? I wouldn't blame any of you.

I figured that in the end that self-blame was based on our sense of responsibility over our lives and choices in it.
In a way, we are truly responsible for our choices and actions, but on the other hand we aren't responsible for what others do to us.

I realized that regarding my abusers, I kept giving them chances to prove me that they weren't massive pieces of shit, I trusted the good in them (because there was good in those relationships too, from my father to the last of my abusers) and that says more about my character than the choice of sticking around while all that shit was happening.

What I'm dealing with now in therapy is the responsibility of making better choices NOW, not in the past when I didn't have the chance to do better for myself. Because if I didn't know better back then when I could've ask for help or simply turn my back, I do know better now. And this thought dispelled any self blame that I had, because it acknowledged that my self esteem wasn't strong enough back then, but it is strong enough now and I would never allow those kind of people even near me, let alone in a relationship with me.

Hope this helps a bit, might be completely different for you, this is what worked for me.

 

[yellow rose]

I feel like today a switch has been flicked in my brain and I suddenly feel overwhelmingly like I deserved every single element of my abuse.
The rape. The drugging. The poisoning. The gaslighting. And all the verbal, psychological and emotional abusive shit he threw at me.

Before now my mind was pretty apt at putting a positive spin on all the things he did to me. That he was helping me. That I should be grateful for the things he did to me.
*Except for the rape; even my twisted mind couldn't convince me how restraining someone and raping them could possibly help them.

But this is different. These thoughts have no rose coloured veil. They acknowledge the pain and humiliation and powerlessness and panic and fear of those memories, and then stamp me into the ground as they tell me (I tell me) that I deserved every one of those experiences and emotions and more.


Has anyone else experienced similar? And/or found ways to lessen these thoughts? They're hitting me pretty hard rn. Thanks in advance.

Hello. I am so very sorry that you have veen through all this it sounds terrifying. I too sometimes get thoughts and used to get thoughts sometimtes that I deserved all the abuse I have been through ib my life. I still say to myself npw sometimes that '' alli deserve is abuse'' . I think it is because I have been through so much from emotional abuse off of of friends to abuse of another nature which I don't feel people understand. I still sit here now and feel that I don't deserve more than all of the bad stuff I have been through. But I think all these things that we go through knock our confidence for one. But fact is it is not your fault, in fact nobody who endures any type of abuse deserves it. Its not fair thought when we as humans get hurt like this. The thoughts that you are having sound very painful aswell. Could you maybe express your pain somehow like in poetry or through art? Do you have a therapist who can help you with these thoughts. Your better than this person. Feeling powerless and fear are really difficult emotions and I can relate completely to the fear and the feelings of having no power over the things that are happening. Here for you

 

[bellbird]

My apologies for the length of time between my OP and now.
Been a lot going on.

This subject is still something that I need to do a lot of work on (I am in therapy).
But your responses are helpful to read through and I appreciate them all.

 

[Lionheart]

I had to get to my core beliefs about myself to dispel the idea that I deserved the abuse. My core belief was that I was unlovable. When I changed this mistaken belief, my thoughts of deserving the abuse faded away. Hope this is somehow helpful for you.

 

[Candleflames]

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing such distress right now. I spent years believing that all the abuse was my fault and that I deserved it. I honestly believed that my parents saw how worthless I was and so treated me accordingly. For years I was stuck on this.

For me this was step one. I didn't have a cure all moment but lots of steps. I had to realize was that thinking I deserved it was a direct effect of the abuse. They needed me to believe that so they could do what they were doing. I needed to believe it for a time being because my survival depended on it. Over time it stuck and unlearning a lot of little things built up to larger epiphanies.

In addition to working on my cognitive distortions that lead to those thoughts and feelings I did behavioral activation. For me that meant learning something new and challenging yet fun. So I took classes at the local community college and community center. I also picked up some hobbies that take research, practice and skill. The point was to do something that improves the momentary quality of life while helping to foster a sense of accomplishment.

I also had to give myself space to mourn the ideal of my abusers. My poor parents saddled with a worthless burden just doing the best they can. They were not scraping by, they were out of control. They did bad things and are to hold the blame. Not me and not you either.

It might take some time and effort but keep at it.

 

[bellbird]

They needed me to believe that so they could do what they were doing.

do something that improves the momentary quality of life while helping to foster a sense of accomplishment.

My core belief was that I was unlovable. When I changed this mistaken belief, my thoughts of deserving the abuse faded away.

Really interesting food for thought, guys. Thank you for your input :hug: