Ghosting On Your Therapist?

[Rex]

Has anybody ever ghosted their long-term therapist?

 

[Abstract]

Ish. Not really. We decided I would take a break for around 2 months and I never contacted her after. In truth it was damaging me a lot which I was only truly able to realise with a bit of distance and then I couldn't risk contacting her in case I got sucked back in. They do say ending of all types are really important though. Why are you considering this if you are? Or is it a done deal?

It would have been a good opportunity for me to practice self care and assertiveness but I didnt trust myself to do it at the time and was still very conflict avoidant. She had a history of not listening to me.

 

[Rex]

Kind of like you....i cant say no, and I am afraid he might talk me into staying. I think it is possible the dynamic is causing more and not less anxiety, but I think my concerns have been dismissed. I like him though and it kind of feels wrong to walk away.

 

[Sideways]

I think it is possible the dynamic is causing more and not less anxiety,

Can you elaborate on this? Because it is often the case that therapy causes anxiety. Is your T aware this is a problem for you?

Are you able to email your concerns to your T? Sometimes written communication gives us the extra time we need to consider our position and our response at a safe distance...

 

[Rex]

My therapist is unresponsive to emails. He is unresponsive to many things. I have really struggled with him since the beginning and at times find him threatening. He knows this. It seems like the therapy has become more centered on our relationship, my trust issues with him, and his bruised ego because of my emotional guardedness than working through what took me there to begin with. Logically, I think it makes sense to walk away, but i am somehow connected with him at some level.

I was super upset when I left his office two weeks ago. I emailed him about it but have heard nothing back. I cancelled an appointment without giving a reason, and I saw a different person today. I didnt expect it to go well as my current therapist has always blamed our issues on me.when previously confronted about my difficulty trusting him and the thought that maybe we were not a good match, he was sarcastic and basically said I wouldnt match well with anybody with my level of fear.

So, today I saw somebody new just to see. The guy had a conversation and talked to me and not at me. At one point I kind of shut down, and he very quickly picked up on it and redirected the conversation. It just felt different.

Now I need to decide how to handle things. It seems like sucj a waste to just walk away from the first guy since I have invested so much time in making it work. It just makes me sad to do it.

It also seems rude to not say something. I dont know what to say though.

 

[hopefully optimistic]

Honestly, it seems like a waste of time and money to stay with your current therapist. Try thinking towards the future and what you need-not back towards what you have already invested in. I do not have much experience with this at all, but I would hope someone would give me similar advice if I was in your shoes!

 

[grit]

Hi Rex,
I am extremely sensitive to those struggling with an "donkey" therapist so please read my comments with that in mind. I am also learning a lot about therapy process and what is the point of therapy really? so again this will also influence some of the things I am about to say.

First and foremost, all your feelings are valid. Any therapist who says to you that you are no match for anyone one because of the level of fear (**sorry I may not have quoted you exactly here) is a loser in my book and has no empathy and should not be doing this job and I can go on with the ranting but I better get hold of myself here.
Personally, I find if the therapy fails it means the therapist failed not the client. It is like sort of having a surgery that goes wrong and the doctor says, well you should not have heart attack in the first place...not because my wife is sleeping with my bff and I have been under stress for while, sorry my hand shook and cut your lung a bit...weird analogy but hope it makes sense.
On the other hand, why do we go to therapy and let us say just do not find a relationship that allows us growth?

So this is where I am at in regard to your post, I have more questions than answers. Do you like this therapist when he is having a good day? have you grow and progressed in your own journey since you met him?the email thing was there an agreement for this that he will respond at some point? has he ever?

I think your therapist is going through his own crappy life. Trust me therapists are not that much better than average human and most are burn out though that should not be our business, I want a good service of a person using his body and mind properly but also it does give perspective.

I had a nightmare therapist and stayed with her only for 3 months. It was me or her and I chose me of course. This is to blow up. I had to blow up on her or blow myself in a safe place and I chose the latter.

Another thing is we pick therapist that we can learn the most from and they can be as frustrating as those who hurt us. It is almost a joke to say one needs to be so close in re-traumazation or actually go through but the end result is different. it is a high price to pay and that is why trust, respect, humanity in the therapy is needed cause they are the ones that supposed to wait for us to come through...but the going through is a lonely journey! The only other time most of us had this trip was when we were babies and only our first caretaker went this journey with us and unfortunately she or he did not go with us and or wait for us and or care enough or and abandon us psychologically speaking or and push us further into abyss.


Maybe see another therapist to chat about few things of this therapist to see you can have some objectivity. It could also be that you are at a place (I do not know only you know this) where you need to challenge your fear and avoidance of conflict and you can say to him or share your feelings about what he is doing. Or it could be after all, perhaps you have awaken and see this man as a flappable human and he is not the one to go along with you on this part of the journey.

Either way, do not underestimate your gut but also do not underestimate your strength and the experience to stand up for yourself and say I will not put up with this. You may feel more liberating or you may feel more oppressed depending where you are right now but it may be worth to say one last time, I want respect and response from you this way and if he balks, makes sparing words at you, then you have your answer but show him who you are without the mask of appropriateness.

 

[Wendell_R]

For me, it's been hard to figure out if a lack of trust is the PTSD speaking or a true mismatch. With the best therapists I've had, there have been moments when I didn't trust them, we talked about it, and those discussions led to a deeper level of trust. If that process isn't moving forward, I think it's worthwhile trying another.

 

[desiderata310]

@Rex I know you've been following my shit with my thearpist.
I almost left. I gave mine a shot. I also had a serious conversation with him last week that was terrifying and he knows we aren't done with it yet. It's been a hard process for both of us and the reason I have stayed is that once he was called on his bullshit, he's been trying. For instance: last night he sent me a text about changing my session (because I'm moving on Saturday) from Saturday to Sunday. It sent me into a tailspin and it took me hours to figure out why. It took him 2 seconds and he was apologizing.

My therapist is different. He f*cks up but he's trying to figure it out. Trust. is. earned.
You have not trusted yours since the very beginning. Call your insurance and get the list and call someone else.
Go see several someone elses and give it a shot. Interview them like they were interviewing for a job. Go in to the first session with a list of questions and insist that you do the question asking first. If they don't like that and get it, get up and leave.

You are in charge of the expedition.
Ultimately, we are asking for a guide. Someone who knows the way through murky waters. You've got to know that the person acting as the guide knows the way and is aware of the shitty pit falls and how to avoid or help when you get there or you might as well be doing this alone.

 

[scout86]

I've THOUGHT about ghosting him often. Never done it because the thought is just me, being a coward. He's actually ok.

Your T, on the other hand, sounds like he might NOT be ok. When it comes to trust, or lack of it, my T has the attitude, "Well, at what point in your life, up till now, WOULD you have had the chance to learn to trust anyone?" I accused him of lying once, and am pretty sure I hurt his feelings, but he never blamed it on me and we worked past it. Working past it was actually an important lesson.

Sometimes, I get stuck in situations with people and won't quit. Often, that's a mistake. A lot of the time that's me, reliving stuff and thinking "this time I'll get it right!" Except I won't, because I can't, because it's not me that's wrong in the first place. I think you've got plenty of reasons to switch therapists. If the one you have now is going to make that hard, then just quit. You don't HAVE to do everything the hard way.

 

[Rex]

Do you like this therapist when he is having a good day? have you grow and progressed in your own journey since you met him?the email thing was there an agreement for this that he will respond at some point? has he ever?

Oh boy. First let me say I am very reluctant to post too much information on a public forum, so this, in itself, is a stretch for me....I will do my best to answer and not delete before hitting the button.

Yes, I like my therapist. I dont know why, but I do. Sometimes I think we are a lot alike and this is the problem. Two guarded individuals make for long lulls in conversation. I sense he has an anxiety issue, talks to himself before saying things out loud, etc. I dont think he is a bad person.

Have I grown? I'm not sure. I went in for anxiety and he dug up underlying things. I guess that is their job. Now, I think I worry more. Would I be posting this without having gone to him? Would yesterday's session with the new guy (we will call him C) have gone anywhere without the past two years of work? I don't know. There is some comfort in him already knowing I'm screwed up I guess.

I think your therapist is going through his own crappy life.

I know he has had a very challenging year and has made some big mistakes of his own. I found out about them, and we talked about it. I thought I would walk out on him before going into that session. Strangely enough, I think it was the most comfortable I have ever felt with him. He fell from his perfection pedistal. He admitted to having struggled with it. I asked him, point blank, if he had his own shit together enough to be doing this. He felt he did. I thought so too.

Another thing is we pick therapist that we can learn the most from and they can be as frustrating as those who hurt us.

This this this.....this is EXACTLY why I have stuck with him. He freaks me out. He scares me. He pushes my buttons. He keeps me on edge, and is in no way comforting. There are some people who do this to me, and this is what I need to work on. C, the new guy, doesn't do this. How can I work on this if he isn't seeing it? I am not very articulate when it comes to explaining. My current therapist, B, sees it first hand.

Maybe see another therapist to chat about few things of this therapist to see you can have some objectivity.

This is what I did yesterday. I told him, up front, I was seeing somebody else but had concerns and wanted to test the waters. It came up yesterday. He asked what brought me in. I told him sometimes it seems like therapy is creating so much anxiety that I need to go to therapy to handle the anxiety therapy is creating. I told him I wondered if I even needed a therapist if I wasn't in therapy. He laughed and said, "Maybe not, but we will figure it out."

it may be worth to say one last time, I want respect and response from you this way and if he balks, makes sparing words at you, then you have your answer but show him who you are without the mask of appropriateness.

This kind of happened a couple of weeks ago at my last session with him. As part of the flow of conversation and a question he asked and I answered, he made me feel like a really mean person toward him. I apologized. It really had nothing to do with him. He read into things. He didn't really respond. The session ended. I emailed and he hasn't responded. So I cancelled and saw the other guy. I'm kind of scared to go back, yet I want to. I don't feel right ending things on this note.

For me, it's been hard to figure out if a lack of trust is the PTSD speaking or a true mismatch.

Me too...and I am having a hard time determining how mad he is at me, if at all.

Ultimately, we are asking for a guide. Someone who knows the way through murky waters.

Yes, we are, but it is hard to guide somebody through murky waters when they are clinging to a rock and won't let go.

I've THOUGHT about ghosting him often. Never done it because the thought is just me, being a coward. He's actually ok.

This is where I am. I am thinking I am the bad patient and it is just me. This is kind of what he said. It wouldn't be any different with somebody else.

A lot of the time that's me, reliving stuff and thinking "this time I'll get it right!"

I HATE to be wrong. I HATE to fail. This feels more and more and more like a failure every day.

Thanks for the responses. I have to decide by noon if I am going to cancel my Monday appointment. Ugh.

 

[desiderata310]

Yes, we are, but it is hard to guide somebody through murky waters when they are clinging to a rock and won't let go.

And it’s their job to help you let go of the rock. He’s expecting you to just let go. Not everyone is really that great at trauma.
Ultimately it is your decision. You CAN talk to another person and still see him on Monday. Just saying.