suicidal ideation is back

[alienplantnapper]

Depression is getting overwhelming. I keep thinking about planning my death. Planning so that I have time to get some things in order. At the same time, I'm at a point that I'm constantly trying not to break down...a point that I feel like with all the stress I'm under, I'm likely to snap and do a number of things without thinking. I'm not "triggered". I just don't like what I've become...to the point that it's agonizing. Added to the amount of stress I'm under lately, because of my failure to keep the decent job I had before I was hospitalized early this yr, ...I don't know what to do right now. All I see ahead of me is a series of failure, being this different person I don't like. Disconnected and lost and kind of like a shell.
I don't want meds.
Therapy doesn't help me.
I want there to be options that work..that make me feel better,
I want to recognize myself..
But I just don't think there are.
I'm at a point of desperation again, familiar feeling of needing help, but dunno what kind, because I don't trust the help that's been offered to me.
What can I do?

 

[littleoc]

Sounds like you don’t like the depressed and overwhelmed you.

If you’re planning your suicide, it may be best to go back to a hospital. Are you in any medications, especially a new one?

When my thoughts get that powerful, I watch funny movies and videos (particularly ones I’ve already seen before or know won’t be triggering).

When I’m calm enough, I think of why I should be thankful. Such as, I’m not homeless, I’m not cold, I have water.

I also remind myself that how I feel now won’t be how I feel forever. I can’t even see two days into the future, so how am I supposed to see two years into the future? There could be great things there.

I also try to think of who would miss me. Or who would wonder where I went. That usually stops me right away.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. You can get through this. ((Hugs))

 

[bellbird]

Hearing you @alienplantnapper , I've been really struggling with my depression recently as well.

I don't want meds.

Is there any reason why you don't want meds?

What can I do?

I think it's really important to get some help. Reaching out here is a great start, and I am so so proud of you for doing so :hug:
As @littleoc mentioned, it might be a really good idea to go back to hospital.
You will get through this. Sometimes we need a little help, and sometimes we need a lot of it.
Hospital will provide you with a safe environment while professionals can find an option that will work for you.

You're not alone. We're sitting with you. Please seek help.

 

[ms spock]

Keep reaching out for help.

Go to hospital. You are important, even though you don't feel like it.

Keep talking to supportive people.

Keep posting here.

Have you read David Burns' book "Feeling Good – The New Mood Therapy"? It is really good.

Ring crisis line.

 

[alienplantnapper]

Thank you guys...
Sorry it took a while to get back.
I made it through the month and the depression eased up some.
I didn't go to the hospital, my therapist dropped me because I didn't show or call (I have a trust issue aanyway).
The thing is, I keep having these sometimes random moments of suicidal thought and how much sense it makes. But..I could be fine the next day, or the next hour, even. My emotions are kind of random lately and way often lately I feel like an outsider looking in, especially in social situations, like I don't feel like I'm the one talking when I'm speaking, etc. It's admittedly weirding me out a bit. I'm not on any medication anymore. Haven't been for months.
I still have ptsd related thoughts, but the flash backs and symptoms are less than they used to be, so I dunno if this is part of it? I finally told my person last night about the random suicidal tthoughts, assuring him of course that I'm not planning to act on them. But, I needed some reassurance that I'm not just crazy..

 

[littleoc]

Sounds like you’re a bit depersonalized, when you feel you’re on the outside looking in.

Try to reconnect with a therapist. It sounds like you really need one to help you through the hard moments.

 

[Friday]

I still have ptsd related thoughts, but the flash backs and symptoms are less than they used to be, so I dunno if this is part of it? I finally told my person last night about the random suicidal tthoughts, assuring him of course that I'm not planning to act on them. But, I needed some reassurance that I'm not just crazy..

Ideation is just a part of my life when my PTSD is acting up. When I’m doing quite badly it’s usually for several hours a day, when I’m still doing badly but not off the Rez, it’s more fleeting, but still daily. When I’m doin well? It’s not a part of my life at all.