All sex is about power

[somerandomguy]

Sex within a relationship is really all about power. Right? Who gets it, who doesn't get it, who wants it more, and of course, in a non-violent relationship, the person who wants it least always wins. Sure, on the surface level sex is ideally a "loving act," but more truthfully and at base it's really about power, because no one ever wants it at the same time and no one's drives are ever perfectly matched. Right? So it's all about who gives in or doesn't give in.

Sex between two consenting adults who barely know each other is even more about power, mostly male power over the woman in a heterosexual coupling. If the woman feels like having sex, she'll submit to his desires. If she doesn't submit, she's the one with the power, and no sex happens.

Of course the power imbalance is at its most pronounced during nonconsensual sex, which many of us here have experienced and permanently causes sexual power imbalances and confusion forevermore.

Can someone explain to me why this is a cognitive distortion? Because it all seems perfectly true to me. But I have a feeling a lot of people wouldn't see it this way. Maybe it's just too cynical, and most people prefer to pretend?

 

[littleoc]

This seems distorted to me.

Sex can be about power. For some people it’s more fun that way, or more comfortable, or more safe. But it doesn’t have to be focused on that power.

I’m inexperienced so I won’t say too much, but I did want to agree that this doesn’t sound right.

 

[Freida]

Can someone explain to me why this is a cognitive distortion? Because it all seems perfectly true to me. But I have a feeling a lot of people wouldn't see it this way. Maybe it's just too cynical, and most people prefer to pretend?

I think this might be something to look at -- your understanding the word submit
accept or yield to a superior force or to the authority or will of another person

this is where your power struggle concept comes from -- the idea that to have sex someone has to submit - give up their power, be forced, resign themselves to another persons will. And yes -- in your experience that may be true. And it is always true in a rape scenario. But in a true relationship it's not the norm. There are many loving couples out there who want to have sex with their partners. And there are people out there who will sometimes "accommodate" a partner even when they are not really motivated -- but that is out of love, not submission. Even a booty call doesn't require submission because it's not about power - its about orgasms. For both parties.

I wonder if you keep this thought (sex =submission) because it keeps you in the guilt role and accepting it means a different way of seeing the world? It's kind of like me keeping screamer in a box. Because letting her out means admitting my thought processes were wrong and I have to face a new way to see the world?

 

[grit]

Have you ever wonder if most people feel opposite of you perhaps, just maybe, your perception is skewed by your own experience?

Anything can be about power including sex but also sometimes there is no power if there is a mutual agreement, desire and connection between two humans.

Your keep saying "right" to me, only my personal experience, that maybe you are having a bad day today and this clouds your feelings today.

making love is a beautiful act that can be also used as a weapon by anyone including same sex partners.

 

[Friday]

I don’t think it’s necessarily* a cognitive distortion,..

...but I couldn’t disagree with you more, or more strongly, unless you said the reason parents have children is to abuse them; because being a parent is about having total power over their victims.

I’ve talked with you about parenting. I know that’s not why you had kids, nor how you raise them, or feel about them. It’s not why I had kids, nor how I feel about them, or raise them. Couldn’t be father from the truth, right? And not because we’re not being honest about not abusing our kids, or pretending it’s something other than abuse. The same is true for me about how you view sex; what you said may be true for you, but it couldn’t be less true for me.

* If we remove the generalization “all” / for everyone, & label (an extreme form of overgeneralizing). Those 2 things mean it’s a cognitive distortion no matter what. Sex can be about power & winning/losing for you, and for some, but not for all. People have sex for a lot of different reasons, and it means different things to different people, and the dynamics are highly individualized. Which is why I can disagree so strongly with you. Because, for me, sex is rarely about power / never about power in the sense you’re talking about, & never about winning/losing.

 

[Ronin]

Gifting a gift to someone can be about power.

Does that mean every present is now suspicious, because about power? Will we cancel the numerous ways people communicate and exchange something just because it CAN get sketchy time to time? I hope not :D I was learning to like my Christmas and all.

(The parallel topical, in my head. I tend to view sex very much as a gift, as a shared activity, as an expression of I like you, as appreciation, as.... X number of things that are about sharing, joining in, mutual happiness or at least satisfaction and good times, where you could read power dynamic.)

Also: Nonconsentual sex is not sex. Rape is not sex. Coercion and force and ugliness ARE about power, but to claim those are in the same lair as sex is rape culture and very unlucky choice of wording at best.

 

[mumstheword]

I have certainly experienced the "sex is about power" thing, but it's, also, certainly, not what I experience with my guy.

Sex is about bonding with someone who I feel deliciously safe, protected, nurtured, attracted, turned on by, in the most intimate way.
It's about deep pleasure, emotional connection and maintaining that connection. We don't power struggle about it. I never use it to withhold from him, to manipulate him, and he doesn't either.
If there is power used, I guess I influence him to stay interested in me, in that way, but seeing as we talk about a lot of interesting and different things and have a lot of fun, joking, teasing, playing, it's certainly not the only glue that keeps us together ... That would be mutual respect, admiration, trust, honest communication, consideration and support ...that kind of thing.
I really don't like how it feels to have someone wield anything over my head in a need-for-power-over-the-other way, that wouldn't work for me, or my guy, at all, I don't think we would be able to maintain our connection, if either of us did that to the other. So sex is more about shared attraction and enjoyment than."power" in my current relationship, just how we like it :-).

 

[somerandomguy]

rape culture

You'll pardon me if I decline to get roped into this utter bullshit.

"Sex" is the physical act of sex, whatever that may look like. Anything nonconsensual might look exactly the same as anything consensual. If I say all sex is about power, then it stands to reason there is a continuum of power - from nonconsensual on one end, to your fabled "gift" on the other. But both sides of the continuum are still about power over and power to compel.

 

[Friday]

But both sides of the continuum are still about power over and power to compel.

This is the cognitive distortion, right here.

The insistence that it has to be about power.

((Also the use of the word ‘fabled’ ie Minimizing))

Can you even entertain the idea that sex might have nothing to do with power for some people? Honest question.

Because, otherwise, it’s like trying to have a discussion with someone who believes that all parenting is about abuse. (And part of why I used that as an example.) No matter how many examples you give, as a dad, about how you’re not abusing your son? They can twist them into how that really is abuse. They have to both be willing and able to see that a) not all parents are abusers b) not all interactions between parents and their children is abusive... to even begin to hear what you’re saying isn’t “proof” that they’re right, much less believe it.

So where are you at in your head, about this? Can you accept that sex may have zip zero nada zilch nothing to do with power -at any point along the continuum- for some people? Or are you absolute about it?

 

[Ronin]

Or, eventually:

If all sex IS about power...
Could it hold in your world power is not a one use, only, and always about being detrimential to someone, thing?

Because I could still see so much space for sex not equaling harmful, and having nothing to do with crime, in a world view centred on power. As power does not have to equal harm, malevolent intent or acts, or anything like that. To protect is a power.

 

[somerandomguy]

It's interesting to compare sex to child-rearing, in that I don't think it's possible to raise a child without making some kind of mistake that will seriously affect the adult the child will eventually become. The best-case scenario is that your kid will eventually forgive you and recognize that you're human and prone to mistakes.

Sex is ... maybe not an inherently abusive act (or maybe it is), but if two people have sex, odds are one or both of them will eventually get terribly hurt, if not outright abused, due to the inevitable power struggle. I don't see any potential for positive protection there, except maybe in preventing people from having sex with known abusers. I will concede that maybe two people who are in love, ignorant of power dynamics, and have never been sexually traumatized could have sex that they consider to be power-free. They would still be deluding themselves, but that's the best-case scenario I can come up with, and it seems like a very unusual one to me.

 

[grit]

I think and I could be wrong you are referring to psychical act of sex is power but maybe you mean the act of sex is aggression. Aggression is biological phenomena even babies have it - it is intristic drive and may have elements of domination and submission which is also something other animals and our cousins primates do. Is that what you are getting?

Put power itself is not really about sex? aggression may relate to power in some ways but I am really trying to see your POV.

But when I read your post I got the distinct feeling first that it is too hetero-normative and that maybe you mean the man enters the woman therefore the man has the power but it is reciprocal. there are many times men submit in sex in hetero and in homo situations. as well as two women can have domination and submission elements as well and power is reciprocal but what are you getting?

I think you are referring to a feeling you get from sex that is unique to you and maybe those that have been violated that way and if you feel this way then that is valid but can you also accept those who did not have same experience may not have same feeling or opinion or relatable.