All sex is about power

[shimmerz]

"Men are predators" is exactly what I learned growing up, anyway.

The gift of having PTSD (not sure if gift is a great word, but whatever), is that we can take these things that we learned that were faulty, skewed, not serving us, and look at them again ourselves and decide how we want them to be for us moving forward.

I know where you are at. I have been there many, many times before. It is super hard to challenge these things. I get it.

I had a shaman once that taught me how to look for feelings I was missing inside of some other experience. When I was trying to figure out how I wanted to feel inside of my relationships I got stuck like you are. I couldn't even imagine what it would look like.

My shaman suggested I go back and think of a relationship where I felt this at all. I had to go way back to my grandfather, who died when I was in grade three. There was no better feeling than walking into his place and having the standard 'Shimmerz, can you find your fig newtons?"

My fig newtons. He got them for me. He cared about me. So many other stories about him. But that was it. That was the feeling. It was inclusive. It was exciting. It was a great injection of healing stuff for my attachment issues. So I used that feeling - not just to figure out how I wanted my relationships to be but as well to establish what feeling worthy, noticed, safe, humanely and lovingly treated were.

I wonder if you can search back and see if you can find a time where you felt those things. Where power wasn't being used to control you but rather you were looked at and treated appreciatingly; humanely; lovingly by someone else? Not in sex but just in general interactions.

Best of luck to you SRG. My heart is with you.

Oh, and for the record, I think this male witch hunt is having a profound affect on men these days. I want you to know that my friends and I actually have compassion for men in what is going on. There are many, many people that don't fall for the 'all men are predators' bullshit. Believe it or not. I will leave that with you.

 

[grit]

Hi Somerandomguy,

thank you for posting this and thank you for expressing your feelings. I am actually really glad you are posting and responding and the whole conversation is civil. We all get impacted different and unique way but still relatable and human way. There is no one person who had one emotion that was never experienced anyone else in the world. That is how unique and yet connected we are.

I do not know your past but I am feeling as others are referring to there is something that may have left you with a strong belief in your body that sex is power and your feelings in your body are 100% valid. The question is if those feelings are not working for you in day to day living and you are not able to function or have relationships healthy enough to survive, then those feelings are maybe getting stale even though they are 100% valid cause unique things happened to you - your own digesting of that experience whatever that might be.

we really underestimate how we are as human and how an experience can be digested by each person. I am learning a powerful lesson from your post and that is your feelings are truly in your body and real to you and I respect that.

I wish you all the best in your pursuit of your own truth if such thing exist for all of us.

 

[The Albatross]

All sex is not about power.
Sex is primal and a drive... and meant to be pleasurable and/or for procreation.
Perception is the core of this distortion.

 

[Freida]

"Men are predators" is exactly what I learned growing up, anyway. I always thought I was some kind of weirdo because I didn't rape anyone.

YES!!!! THIS!!! What I learned growing up
Stop and read it again
What I learned growing up

You were taught this - and it isn't true. Think about it this way.
children are not born racists. They are raised by people who teach them that people of other races are bad.
Children are not born hating their bodies. They are raised by people who teach them that their bodies are bad.
Children are not born thinking they are unwanted. They are raised by people who teach them they are unwanted

Its all about what you were TAUGHT as a child. Which leads to the possibility that what you believe now, as an adult, might be wrong.

because that's what men are,

Go back to the post of mine that you bookmarked. Because my husband is not a rapist. Neither is my dad, my brother in law, my uncle, my besties hubby or ANY of the other men in my life. And I'm confident they have no fantasies of raping women because is somehow hard wired into them. Telling me that they are ALL rapists simply because they have a dick instead of a vagina is insulting -and untrue.

 

[Lionheart]

Sex is like fire. It depends on how it is used....you can cook a meal or burn yourself, if you are not careful.

Sex can be fun, loving and tender, or used as a weapon......it is the intentions, experiences, and beliefs that we, and others, have that shape our views of sex.

When sex is used to control, manipulate, and use another person against their will, it is easy to confuse sex with power. It can be about power and control, but it doesn't have to be.

 

[LuckiLee]

Ok. I'm gonna share my .02. I think /feel/believe that sex is a continuation of the relationship . If the relationship is abusive? Sex will be abusive. Respectful? Sex will be respectful. Funny? Playful? Compassionate? Sex will be those things. Sex mirrors the relationship. I hope that makes sense. Take what works and leave the rest.

 

[somerandomguy]

uggggggh.

Views and opinions expressed by @somerandomguy while symptomatic may not reflect the views and opinions of @somerandomguy when not symptomatic.

Thanks for being understanding and kind to my triggered ass.

 

[Chris-duck]

What's going on for you just now?

 

[somerandomguy]

I got majorly triggered on Saturday, so various parts of me thought it would be useful and enlightening to argue with some nice folks on a message board. They were wrong. Now I'm re-regulated and unblended and this is how I feel: :facepalm:

 

[shimmerz]

Now I'm re-regulated and unblended and this is how I feel: :facepalm:

Well done @somerandomguy! Yeah! Yippee! Great work getting yourself back on track! Wooohooo!

 

[Ronin]

and this is how I feel: :facepalm:

:D But it could be worse.
Mildly or profoundly embarassed means you are learning (and were trying to even when off it, which cheers on) and there was no major damage done, interim.

 

[ILoveLife]

Ah! So glad there was a happy ending to this thread. :hug:

And I subscribe to what @LuckiLee said above!