General What are they thinking?

[Ronin]

When isolating and you receive an email

I read them, but mostly do not react / react only to people that do not exhaust me more.

ETA: I also respond to emergencies, but they are more like happy news: something superpresent, drag me out of the past and present blend I am isolating FOR, canceling that need to isolate for a while and superseding the head funk I am in.
Unless I am also badly depressed or injured and depressed because of it, at the time, then it is a lot of headbang, bite me, but I will find who else to get on it.

 

[HopefulD]

I read them, but mostly do not react / react only to people that do not exhaust me more.

ETA: I also respond to emergencies, but they are more like happy news: something superpresent, drag me out of the past and present blend I am isolating FOR, canceling that need to isolate for a while and superseding the head funk I am in.
Unless I am also badly depressed or injured and depressed because of it, at the time, then it is a lot of headbang, bite me, but I will find who else to get on it.

I get that completely. Depends on the space you are in. What moment and how much you can take. My thought was that he just sent me to Spam and deletes without reading. However the the non anxiety me of the present moment says no. Human curiosity and not wanting to let go of me. I do believe he reads them and doesn't respond. I don't write hateful shame blame accusatory emails either. Meaning if you want a reaction from a PTSD sufferer like a combat veteran, just personally attack. That will get a negative volatile reaction. And I'm just not going to ever do that, because I wouldn't want it done to me. Empathy and compassion goes a long way.

 

[EveHarrington]

I have a question for sufferers. I know this will be a different answer for everyone, but if you logically know that someone did nothing wrong to you, and wouldn’t hurt you, do you still shut them out? The person I’m dealing with has caused so much confusion for me...it went from complete adoration for me, to “I need lots of space and time”, literally overnight, and I just can’t make sense of any of it. It’s been over a month since any real contact, and she doesn’t seem like the person to ghost someone, but being ignored definitely isn’t a great sign. I’ve already talked about this in a thread that I made, but I wanted to see if there’s other who could give a perspective on this as well.

It may be a safety issue.

It’s impossible to explain safety issues to pet who have never had them. (Sorry to say.)

What I meant to say is that since you won’t ever really understand, it’s just something you have to accept. Safety isn’t a logical thing much of the time.

 

[Freida]

What I meant to say is that since you won’t ever really understand, it’s just something you have to accept. Safety isn’t a logical thing much of the time.

yes! this! ^^^^

 

[grimalkin]

but if you logically know that someone did nothing wrong to you, and wouldn’t hurt you, do you still shut them out? The person I’m dealing with has caused so much confusion for me...it went from complete adoration for me, to “I need lots of space and time”, literally overnight, and I just can’t make sense of any of it.

Coming from the supporter side, yup, this happens. He even told me that he realized he was triggered, and that I did not mean to be hurtful or bad or negative, but that the "damage was done," and I was no longer safe. This the day after (literally) reassuring me that he loved me, and if we loved each other, we could make it through anything. It doesn't make sense, and logic has nothing to do with it. That's the bitch with PTSD - it hijacks the very part of the brain that ignores logic (or maybe it would be more accurate to say that logic doesn't even come into the equation) in order to be "safe" (to make it overly simple).

I compare it to a more extreme version of what I think of as "emotional knowledge vs. intellectual knowledge." Intellectually, I might KNOW something is true, but emotionally (and/or physically), it sure as hell feels like something else. To use a non-PTSD example (but probably might have similar origins in the brain?): when we have a bad dream about someone we love, in which they are horrible to us, and we wake up angry at them. Intellectually, we KNOW there's no reason to be angry, because, DUH, it didn't actually happen. But emotionally? Getting through that might take a little thought and work.

With PTSD? The brain is convinced the danger is real, and sometimes, for some people, the only way to alleviate the fear is to shut down, tune out, run away, fight, etc.

 

[MyWillow]

I’m learning to be BLUNT about what I need. Because so much shit is triggering and I’m only just figuring that out. It’s better than isolating without saying why.

Text messages this week:

MyWillow: Having a snuggle with dogs. Was an unintentionally difficult equine session with M. Had a flashback. Horses helped though. Just an FYI. Don’t want to discuss really. Feeling very drained.

Mr MyWillow: Ohhhh fair enough. Thanks for heads up. Will organise dinner en route and see you at home soonish. Horses are good. Z is still our little pony.

This approach is a big shift for me, has changed so much and allowed him to know what to do. (Z is one of my dogs ;) )

 

[Mumo]

@Junebug true.... One of the reasons I keep people at a distance is that i dont have a lot of energy to give out and what I have has to go to me, hubby and those already close to me. New people? They come with drama ( because they are human, not because they are bad) and a lack of understanding what ptsd is. Not that I expect them to of course. But it means lots of explaining when I hurt their feelings - and with ptsd? I'm gonna hurt their feelings :sad: so its just easier not to get close in the first place

Yes, this is true, very true

 

[Jay02]

I am so forever grateful for this thread! I have spent majority of my day trying to read everyone's insight, but I do have one question about a certain topic that continues to arise...

My boyfriend isolates himself and I have gotten used to it. This time seems a bit more extreme than most. He just responded to me last night saying he loves me a lot too, but also "I'm doing a lot of rethinking about what I can do." Naturally, my normal pessimistic mind goes straight to the negatives and thinks, holy crap... Is he rethinking us? He's the type of man who will tell me without hesitation, he doesn't play games, but I still can't help but wonder...

He's responding to our other friend's iMessage games, but not replying to me. I'm trying my hardest not to take it personal, but I don't think I'm doing a very good job at it...

My first question is... When isolation occurs, for supporters at least, how do you take care of yourself? I've seen plenty of responses saying self-care is very important in times like this, but I struggle when I know he's struggling.

 

[Mumo]

I hide in my own world, I shut down. I don't talk, I won't look at you and I don't want you talking to me and especially, don't not look at me!
I don't run away, because I am afraid. im afraid of almost everything at that point. I just want to be alone and hidden. Do not come near me. It will cause me to go deeper into myself. I just need time. If you push me I will start screaming to leave me alone!...ask my poor husband or sisters. With my husband it could last up to two days. If he even sticks his head in and says, "honey?" in the sweetest voice I will explode. Sisters?... days, weeks. I will read emails, texts and listen to messages, but they make me feel more guilty than I already feel, and I won't answer them because now you are coming after me, go away.
I don't want to be this way and part of staying away is because I will emotionally hurt you. This goes against how I feel, but I just can't deal with you right now. I have too much going on in my head and I can't tell you about any of it, just let me be. Part of what I deal with when I am like this, is dealing with what I am doing to the other person and it is on top of everything else now, so please, please, please just leave me alone. You will drive me away further. And it will take longer for me to come out if it. I got problems ok? Now just go away, please...
That is what happens with me.

 

[EveHarrington]

I struggle when I know he's struggling.

I hear codependency in this statement. It's one thing to be sad to know he's struggling. It's another to be struggling yourself for the mere fact that he is struggling. His struggling should not bring you down to this level of functional difficulty. I can't help but feel that your relationship is overly dependent or enmeshed.

It's ok to be affected by someone else's struggles in that it can make you sad, worried, etc. But, when you struggle for the mere fact that they struggle, this throws up flags.

I urge you to gain more healthy independence in this relationship.

 

[Jay02]

I hear codependency in this statement. It's one thing to be sad to know he's struggling. It's another to be struggling yourself for the mere fact that he is struggling. His struggling should not bring you down to this level of functional difficulty. I can't help but feel that your relationship is overly dependent or enmeshed.

It's ok to be affected by someone else's struggles in that it can make you sad, worried, etc. But, when you struggle for the mere fact that they struggle, this throws up flags.

I urge you to gain more healthy independence in this relationship.

Thank you! I am slowly realizing that I have become so codependent on him and I’m trying my hardest to learn how to fix that. I think as the days go by, I’m starting to be okay and starting to realize that he’ll come to me when he’s ready. It’s just the process when I get to that point is very difficult.

 

[grimalkin]

Eh, a lot of people "struggle" when their loved ones are hurting. It's difficult to be completely detached, at least for some. For myself, it was very difficult to focus on the rest of my life when my husband was hurting so badly. Sure, I'd go to work, I'd keep the household running, but that worry is always there - What will be waiting for me when I get home? WILL he be there when I get home? Is this really it? Do I need to figure out how to pick up the pieces of our shared life, and move on?

I have learned in the last few years that there is a fine line between empathy and codependency, and it has gone against everything I thought about myself to learn how to be able to take a deep breath, take several steps back, and just walk away when I need to, even if my loved ones are hurting. That my safety is just as important as anyone else's. And that I can't heal them. I can't even help them heal themselves unless they want me to.

I often wonder - what do other people think of as healthy independence (to use @EveHarrington's term)? I feel like I've swung to the other extreme - I'm not sure I'd ever be willing to share a bank account, a lease, a car, or plans for the near and distant future (IE anything from next year's vacation to retirement/old age), with someone else again...but that seems like it's not healthy either. I feel like that is as unhealthy as being willing to swallow myself to keep the peace. (and yes, I am still in therapy, and still working through what's turning out to be my own lifetime worth of trauma, neglect, and general shit)