More active than passive

[FauxLiz]

How can you tell when your ideation is becoming more active than passive? This is a bad time of year for me most recently capped by breakdown and life implosion last October that lead to three hospitalizations earlier this year. I believed I have been doing better but the last couple of weeks I am not so sure and now the last couple of days it is like a never ending low level panic attack. No amount of distractions, medications, sleep seems to keep the panic and thoughts at bay. So how do I know if the thoughts are becoming active ideation not just passive. Because I am just not sure it this is the unending panic attack or something triggered by the time of year, stress, and so many other concerns.

 

[MrMoonlight]

I hate that you are feeling like this. You can get through it, you are strong and you recognize the change in your thoughts.

Do you have a plan?

Have you considered getting additional care for SI?

Like you said this is a bad time of year for you. It's normal and expected that you would be feeling things a little harder around anniversaries. I'm so glad you reached out here, that alone shows strength and the will to get through.

 

[FauxLiz]

@MrMoonlight thank you for the support. If you are asking if I have a suicide plan yeah I do, a lot of them, some more effective than others but one in particular is really bothering me. Have I considered getting additional help, yes but I also know that if I were to reach out for additional help I would lose my job, the job I just started three months ago. The job if I were to lose would be financial ruin and career ending so for now reaching out here is all I am willing to risk.

 

[Abstract]

what about middle ground options for more support Fauxliz. It also may improve if you get a better matched therapist. There are things that in your life that will up this at present so I hope you can take as many actions as possible to safegaurd yourself while that changes.

 

[FauxLiz]

@Abstract what would you consider middle ground options? I am working on getting a matched T but it isn't easy. So many belong to my current T's work organization and I can't see one of them unless my current T agrees and I believe that he will oppose that because he will want to try and find a way to make things work. So I am looking for others that don't work for that group but it isn't easy.

 

[Abstract]

You will do this. Don't take steps you cant undo when this sitation can improve. WHat about supplementing support with a group of some sort or something similar. Or a mindful course. Even if it isn't that relevant at present. Something where there is some stability outside your relationship with him.

 

[FauxLiz]

@Abstract I currently live in a community of 2,200 people it is a 45 min drive to the closest larger community which is less than 40,000 and 90 min to a metro area which is where I am seeing my current T and looking for a new one so finding a group well that isn't going to happen so I will try to find something that helps, tonight I went out to supper with a co-worker and his wife so I wouldn't be alone.

 

[Abstract]

Sorry Fauxliz If OK. ? I hope you can find some sort of additional support. Email? Skype? No need to answer that. Keep thinking.

 

[MrMoonlight]

@FauxLiz , Do you mind me asking if you feel safe right now?

If you are asking if I have a suicide plan yeah I do, a lot of them, some more effective than others but one in particular is really bothering me.

I really don't know how we make it through these moments. Such hopelessness when I feel like this. But we aren't alone because we have an entire site full of people who understand. I have two suicidal plans myself. Maybe someone could clarify by I think it's considered 'active suicidal ideation' when we have plans. I've had them, or I should say one of the ideas for a long time. The other more recent.

I should add though that I don't think it matters be it passive or active. If you are wanting to die we should get help for that, because there is help for that, you know.

Does your current therapist know about your thoughts and plans?

 

[FauxLiz]

I guess for me I generally consider it to still be passive if the plan exists but the means are not readily available. Active would be a plan that I have the means and the idea how to carry out. My issue is that I have both passive and active plans it is a mental and physical argument with myself to keep all the plans at bay.

 

[ms spock]

I went out to supper with a co-worker and his wife so I wouldn't be alone.

That is proactive!

Keep reaching out here, and keep looking out for yourself. Way to go!

Is there a crisis support line or a suicide call back line where you live, that you can ring?

So many belong to my current T's work organization and I can't see one of them unless my current T agrees and I believe that he will oppose that because he will want to try and find a way to make things work. So I am looking for others that don't work for that group but it isn't easy.

The therapist thing sounds tricky and difficult, keep chipping away at it. Can you talk to this current T more about why you need to change?

Have you read David Burns' book called "Feeling Good"? It has a particular few pages on suicide. The whole book is good. But it particularly has some good stuff on suicide.

If the above is not useful please ignore.

Please let us know how you are going.

 

[blackemerald1]

@FauxLiz - can you reach out to a online suicide prevention organisation for support?

I think the ongoing anxiety attack is tipping you over a bit. If you can find a way of toning that down you should start to feel much more comfortable.

Have you got any medication to help with anxiety at the levels you are experiencing?