Why didn’t I?

[meander]

I’m sure someone will move this if in the wrong place.
I’m struggling with a flashback/scene/memory from which I am very detached. I feel no emotion just a sense of unbelief whilst watching. My body is then physically/sexually aroused and I can’t stop the scene or the wanting to watch.
But I can’t stop asking myself ‘why didn’t I bite him?’ It makes me very afraid when I think of any of the answers.

 

[Sweetleaf]

You didn't bite him, because by not doing so you were increasing your odds of survival, of making it out of the situation relatively in one piece. Your body was just trying to protect you as best it could.

You can't control arousal. It's a natural bodily response to certain stimuli, even if it makes you feel guilty - it's not your fault. It was unwanted. You didn't choose to let that stuff happen. You had no choice in the matter, it was forced on you, and your body reacted in a very common way - a way that probably saves many people's lives, or saves them from further injury.

I myself think "why didn't I bite his dick off, instead of fighting the urge?" - I feel guilty over it. I feel disgusted. It makes me feel like I -chose- to let it happen. But, I did not choose. There was no real choice.

If I bit his dick off, or tried, I'd probably be dead right now. Or I'd have sustained more broken bones. Yet that feeling of disgust at myself, guilt, shame - it's still so hard to try to shake off, or shove away. I have to work on a lot of memories to make that go away, I think. But it helps me to think of this: my body was just trying to survive it - and I did.

Every time I did fight back - I was injured. Every single time that I can think of.

Sometimes fighting back is the only option for survival - sometimes fighting back is the worst option for survival. Very often in sexual assault, fighting back only makes the outcome worse - more injuring. At least, that is my experience. Every situation is unique - but a common theme with a lot of sexual assault trauma, is feeling bad over having it happen, feeling guilty for it, feeling like you could have fought back or done something and that it's your fault it happened - that your body's natural reaction to things is your fault.

But it isn't your fault - you didn't have a choice.

What happened happened, because your body was just trying to stay alive and in one piece. To not escalate things - to not fight back - because that can be very dangerous - and here you are, alive and able to post.

I’m struggling with a flashback/scene/memory from which I am very detached. I feel no emotion just a sense of unbelief whilst watching.

What you describe sounds a lot like depersonalization/derealization

It accompanied many of my sexual assaults, along with many other traumatic incidents, and if I weren't constantly taking naltrexone, I'd be constantly depersonalizing and derealizing.

I think my brain relied on it too much during the trauma, and so it became my brain's go-to defense mechanism, which, when the trauma is over and you're trying to live a normal life, is very handicapping. It makes it very hard to get through life, and to me derealization and depersonalization feels scary, makes me freak out internally while my body does things of its own accord, and everything feels unreal, and it's like I'm watching a movie of myself.

Are you in therapy or anything like that?

 

[meander]

You didn't bite him, because by not doing so you were increasing your odds of survival, of making it out of the situation relatively in one piece. Your body was just trying to protect you as best it could.

Are you in therapy or anything like that?

Thank you for the reassurance- lots of what you say is so similar for me esp the depersonalisation/derealisation. I think that makes processing difficult. This is one thing I’ve read too about personal safety as the human instinct kicks in. And I get it. Totally. If it wasn’t me. I think the whole scene coming together is ‘new’. I’ve had bodily reactions/physical shakes and head jerking stuff as isolated things. And snippets of scene/s.
I am in therapy yes but have been unable to put words to the events yet although I was able to say ‘sexually abused’ ‘raped’ but that was it now it’s just ‘thing that happened’ ‘events’. I struggle so much. I know all of us do.

 

[Friday]

I’ve bitten before.

2 things to know...If you’re talking about biting a penis?

If you’re thinking you could bite it off? Or even cause major damage? Go bite down as hard as you can on a phone book. If you manage to do any damage whatsoever, especially if you manage to actually bite even partially through it, lemme know. Failing a phone book, try a bible, just fold the covers out of the way, first. Being able to bite through cooked meat, even already cut raw meat (which is harder to impossible) in no way compares to living tissue.

Some guys reeeeeeeally like that. A lot.

I suspect I’m pretty lucky the first guy I tried to bite his cock off liked it. If not? The way that position works = he could have snapped my neck on accident, on purpose would have been child’s play.

 

[meander]

I’ve bitten before.

2 things to know...If you’re talking about biting a penis?

If you’re thinking you could bite it off? Or even cause major damage? .

Interesting. Raw. Graphic. Helpful.

I think what underlies the question really is ‘Why did I let him?’ Why did I let him in my head? That’s how he got into my body. I think he even got into my heart. I was a lonely child. At times a heartbroken child. He came with comfort. I sit and watch him comforting her.
f*ck!

 

[Swift]

Sorry you're going through this @meander.

Dissociation is an evolutionary thing - like lizards playing dead.

Survival in those moments is what your body and brain are built for - even if it means pleasing your aggressor. Your brain literally shuts down, and concentrates on the system that runs the four Fs - fighting, flying, feeding and f.... Mating.

This is why a lot of us experience the whole sex/physical response to stuff that our "selves", our critical thinking, character driven parts, think are shit.

Your brain literally does not "think" in those moments - conscious thought is patterned and verbal and that bit shuts down.

You did nothing wrong. You did everything right - you survived.

 

[Sweetleaf]

‘Why did I let him?’ Why did I let him in my head?

You didn't let him. You were a child, thus were incapable of consent. It also sounds like you being a lonely child (abusive/neglectful parents?) opened you up to be vulnerable to a predator.

You didn't let him in your head either - what that person did was manipulate little you, before you were old enough to protect yourself from such things. That's what they do - they find vulnerable children, and then use the advantages of being an adult to manipulate you into whatever they want.

So you didn't let him in your head at all. He forced his way in, by manipulating a vulnerable child.

My father sexually abused me as a child. He was able to do things like that for a couple reasons. My mom was really abusive, just, every f*cking day. She was always mean and angry and just treated me like shit. The other reason - he was the one who was "nice" to me - in reality he was an absolutely horrible father but, as a kid, I didn't know. I just knew he let me do whatever, pretty much. He let me watch whatever movies I wanted, even if they were for adults - he'd bring me into R rated movies in theaters, be all like "don't tell your mom" - that was his thing. Over and over. Don't tell your mom. Don't tell your mom. Every time, after something that he wanted me to keep secret. At first, it was just stuff like letting me watch movies she wouldn't want me to. But then it turned into him showing me pornography at 9 years old, and it got worse from there till I put a stop to it as a teen.

Basically - my father groomed me into doing that stuff.

That predator likely did the same thing to you. Either way - he took advantage of a vulnerable child and preyed on it.

It's not your fault. In any way.

 

[meander]

@Sweetleaf thank you for this reassurance and just helping me realign with the truth

@Swift your reminder about the instinct/survival nature of the body is also so reassuring

These are helpful things to keep shifting my focus back onto. Thank you

 

[hithere]

Interesting. Raw. Graphic. Helpful.

I think what underlies the question really is ‘Why did I let him?’ Why did I let him in my head? That’s how he got into my body. I think he even got into my heart. I was a lonely child. At times a heartbroken child. He came with comfort. I sit and watch him comforting her.
f*ck!

It's a total "mind screw"-- pun intended--