it hasn’t been this bad in a while

[ImSad]

Deep depression has been settling in recently. I’m bipolar, type 2 so I spend most of my time feeling dysthymic, which is bearable. Then I have my fun hypomanic episodes before crashing into a rough depression. I started mood stabilizers somewhat recently, which seemed to help a little. But right now, this depressive episode is kicking my ass.

I just feel hopeless. Like myself and my entire life is pathetic and meaningless...which it is, realistically speaking. I’m starting to have suicidal thoughts again. I’ll be fine, for now. But I’m nervous about where this is headed.

Not sure if this is more of a bipolar-brain chemistry thing or if it has to do with trauma. My t and I have recently started digging into some childhood stuff, and my brain decided to go dig up a bunch of trauma shit from my adolescence (aka the time when my depression, self harm, and suicidality was at its absolute worst). So I’m not sure what’s going on, I just know that I feel like i’d be better off dead.

I guess I know that I’ll get through it. I’ve done it before. I just don’t want to have to live my entire life “getting through it”. Doesn’t seem worth it to me.

 

[FauxLiz]

@ImSad I wish I could do more than give you a virtual hug if you will take it and tell you that the people here are great and supportive and I really hope you get the help that you need. I don't want to hijack your thread as I am in the depths of depression right now with you but I want you to know you aren't alone even down here.

 

[ImSad]

@ImSad I wish I could do more than give you a virtual hug if you will take it and tell you that the people here are great and supportive and I really hope you get the help that you need. I don't want to hijack your thread as I am in the depths of depression right now with you but I want you to know you aren't alone even down here.

Thank you, @FauxLiz. I will gladly accept your virtual hug, and am sending one back. I’m sorry you’re in the same low place. Thankfully I am in therapy and will be seeing both my pdoc and therapist in a few days. Just gotta try and hang on til then. Best wishes to you, sending all the positive energy I have.

 

[ladee]

@ImSad , your reply to @FauxLiz, was one of the most loving replies I've ever read here. And I understand how depressed you are, and I understand you don't want to have to live the rest of your life 'working thru this'. But your reply was so full of tenderness and heartfelt understanding.

I am so sorry you are in the place again. And I know how exhausting it is to remind yourself that those 'at the bottom' times are so full of lies. It's hard to remember the good times, but there were, and there will be again.

I will hold 'HOPE' for you, if you are too tired to hold it for yourself. I have been where you are so many times. So close to the edge of 'not being'. Just hang on until this passes. Sending you many hugs if you accept. :hug:'s

 

[ImSad]

@ImSad , your reply to @FauxLiz, was one of the most loving replies I've ever read here. And I understand how depressed you are, and I understand you don't want to have to live the rest of your life 'working thru this'. But your reply was so full of tenderness and heartfelt understanding.

I am so sorry you are in the place again. And I know how exhausting it is to remind yourself that those 'at the bottom' times are so full of lies. It's hard to remember the good times, but there were, and there will be again.

I will hold 'HOPE' for you, if you are too tired to hold it for yourself. I have been where you are so many times. So close to the edge of 'not being'. Just hang on until this passes. Sending you many hugs if you accept. :hug:'s

Thank you so much for this, @ladee. Made me tear up a bit. I'm feeling just a tiny bit lighter today, probably in part to the support here on this forum. I tend to seriously isolate myself when I get this way and won't admit when I'm having a hard time to the people in my life. This space has been tremendously helpful in being able to get these feelings out and receive support, without all of the discomfort of having people I know seeing me all vulnerable and miserable and whatnot.

I will gladly accept all of the virtual hugs, and send them all right back.

 

[shimmerz]

My t and I have recently started digging into some childhood stuff, and my brain decided to go dig up a bunch of trauma shit from my adolescence

This makes sense to me that it may well be related to how you are feeling right now. Is there a possibility that you could let your therapist know that the digging is doing this to you? It may well be an indication that they should be scraping the edges rather than digging into this issue.

 

[ImSad]

This makes sense to me that it may well be related to how you are feeling right now. Is there a possibility that you could let your therapist know that the digging is doing this to you? It may well be an indication that they should be scraping the edges rather than digging into this issue.

Yeah, I’m planning on letting her know. I’m sure it has something to do with the digging, but I’m not experiencing a ton of flooding or anything. That happened pretty severely when I first started therapy, so we stopped the digging for a long time. may have to slow down a bit again, which is frustrating, but better than going off the deep end.

 

[ladee]

I hope each day helps you to feel a little lighter. If we are prone to bad depressions, it is better to take things slower, as you said, to keep us from the edge.

Just keep writing, you aren't alone. :hug:s

 

[hithere]

hope you feel better soon, life is certainly a rocky road . I think I can truly say "i understand"

 

[ImSad]

Thank you, @ladee and @hithere for your kind replies. All of this kindness and support has been incredibly helpful in lifting my spirits. Still pretty down in the dumps, but it helps to have this support.

I see my t tomorrow and then I’m going out of town for a few days, so I’m hoping that will be enough to push me past this rut.

Wishing everyone here peace and healing.